I want to go home.

I'm in a weird space. I went out tonight but I didn't drink. It was nice to catch up with HP and BN. I actually love B, he's such a good guy. We used to be much closer but life changes. It was nice to see him though.
I decided not to drink tonight because I was flustered about everything that happened with daddy today. I think it was a wise choice. I'm tired though I want to go home. I'm sitting outside busters waiting for ME an JK to hurry up so I can take them home.
It was good to see CM too. He is so different in a group setting. And even more different when he's drunk. Nice kid though, great heart. It's just weird when I'm used to our library chats haha.

elaborate.

So last Friday was an interesting night. I went to ID's birthday with ME. It was really fun at first and we for some reason decided that drinking a case of coors light iced teas was a great idea during beer pong. Then we decided to drink a 26 of vodka but since we didn't have shot glasses we decided to just take swigs. Shortly later the 26 was gone. Then ME disappeared somewhere chatting with TL which was fine but I thought she left and I had no idea where she was.
CE lives really close to ID so I walked across the street to see his Mom, JE. They're going through a pretty rough time right now and I've been spending quite a bit of time there. Anyways I headed over there and drank way too much wine, I don't even remember. I blacked out, and woke up in number twelve's bed. Last thing I remember was the first text from KM and JE telling me to invite number twelve over. She knows a lot of our history. Her ex-husband has stood up for me to number twelve and basically helped me a lot with the situation.
So I woke up Saturday morning thinking, "where the fuck... oh shit". He knew I woke up so he just squeezed me tighter. Neither of us said anything and I went back to sleep for a bit. When I actually woke up, I realized my phone was completely dead so I unplugged his and plugged mine in. He asked me how I was feeling (as I'm sure you could imagine, not well was my answer). I turned over and just kind of layed in his chest like we used to. He kissed my forehead and we ended up having sex again. Then we just kind of layed in his bed until my Momma called me to go to the market. I didn't go but number twelve was hungry so we went upstairs and he made breakfast.
It was really weird. Even though these nights have happened before with us, I wasn't stressed about it like I usually am. I always start over-analyzing what it means, if we're going to get back together, what now. But this time I didn't. He was more of a gentleman than he's ever been to me. I was really thrown off about the whole situation. We just sat in his kitchen and talked for like half an hour then I had to go home and get ready for work.
We spoke later that day and I apologized for being mean the night before because I know I was. We've talked a bit this week. I don't really know we were talking earlier today and he was going to come over but he went to the gym first so we'll see what he says after the gym. I'm supposed to go to a birthday so we'll see if I'm even home when he's done.
I think the hardest part of the situation is that I a) have no idea what I said to him or KM or about KM the other night and b) I have absolutely no idea what I want in life right now. I don't know if I want us to be together or if us being friends really is the best situation for us right now. I've never been so unsure of myself.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

And sometimes, I wonder who you'd be today.

Classy bitch.

I'm currently eating a red velvet cupcake drinking a bud and watching saved by the bell.

Fresh start.

I cleaned my room today. I mean really cleaned it. It was pretty emotional but I think it will be good for me. Time to let go and move forward.

Dante.

Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise, like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief, in each other and the possibility of love. A decision, to ignore or simply rise above the pain of the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls yet severs prior ties. A celebration, of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one, like a team braced against the tempests of the world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is a mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held, promises made long ago in the sacred space of our hearts.

You're the kind of reckless that should send me running.

'cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile.

Inspire

Do not let the shadows of your past darken the doorstep of your future. Forgive and forget.

You are the only you out there.

Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.
-Judy Garland

I like this.

The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour.
-Japanese Proverb

Let it go, see what tomorrow brings.

Don't worry 'bout nothing, pray about everything.

Left out.

My sister and her husband and both kids are going to Calgary next weekend with my other sister and her boyfriend. I wasn't invited at all. Is it wrong to be a little upset?

Haha racist pricks we are.

BT: damn Asian better not hit me.
Me: he's Indian not Asian.
Her: same country.. Not ours