I should've just called him whiskey.

and the 'he left me wanting more' way he kissed me.

jkramer.

I believe in you.
I will be by your side, if ever you fall deep in the dead of the night whenever you call. And I won't change my mind, no I'll see you through. And I won't give up, no I won't give up;
I won't give up on you.

I won't give up on you.

"if you love something, never let them go".

everyone knows I'm in over my head.

eight seconds left in overtime, she's on your mind;
she's on your mind.

come back, come back, come back to me.

Tomorrow is number twelve's birthday and it kind of hit me like a freight train. We were doing so good together this time last year. We had just started actually dating again. And I was falling head over heels for him. And now I'm sitting here in tears again over a silly boy. But he's not just a silly boy. He's my best friend. And that's what kills me the most. I don't know what to do without the one person that matters most to me, and not just sexually. I just am thinking about his birthday present last year and all the things I want to get him this year. I just want him to be happy. I miss him.
There I said it, I miss him.

I know that we could work it out somehow.

I was doing so good. At least, I thought I was. I was being strong and independent and putting myself first. I was keeping busy and focusing on making my life better for me and letting what happens with number twelve and I happen. And as much as I try to convince myself I am,
I am not okay.

epitome of my life.

"Does it break my heart, of course, every moment of every day, into more pieces than my heart was made of, I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all, everything changed, the distance that wedged itself between me and my happiness wasn’t the world, it wasn’t the bombs and burning buildings, it was me, my thinking, the cancer of never letting go, is ignorance bliss, I don’t know, but it’s painful to think, and tell me, what did thinking ever do for me, to what great place did thinking ever bring me? I think and think and think, I’ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.”


— Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

team sofaking.

Also I went to get a coffee on my lunch hour today and guess who I ran into... AJ. hahahahaha it was kind of awkward but I found it rather entertaining. I walked in and immediately started laughing, knowing full well that she was thinking 'FUCK'. Then I was like 'hey how's it going' and she ignored that and merely asked what I wanted. I ordered my coffee and that was basically it until she gave me dirty looks until I left. hahahahaha to explain, AJ is sofaking's girlfriend(KM)'s best friend (sorry for the long complicated explanation). She hates me and understandably so, I suppose. It mainly makes me laugh, the entire situation actually, because it was almost a year ago and they are still that upset about it. I mean really... like yes I screwed up but it was a long time ago and you people need to LET IT GO. Stop dragging it on and carrying it around.
And FYI he fucked up too in case anyone wanted to take some responsibility and be accountable for their actions.
Anyways I got a good laugh out of it because I'm sure they will have a lovely chat about how much they hate me and how awful of a person I am and blah blah blah. (AJ also dated the nicest kid ever for two years.. starting seeing someone while dating him. THEN broke up with him and slept with the other guy like a few hours later.... but I didn't tell you that).
I almost titled this post team _________ instead of sofaking. haha but his last name would give it away entirely. Anyways this was my first run in with team sinclair since the whole november assault episode. Lovely right? Made me laugh.

busy girl.

Worked until 4, came home, relaxed for a half hour, having some dinner then off to the shoppe. Bank hours are amazing also. 9:30-4/4:30 is absolutely ideal for two jobs. I get to sleep in enough that I'm not up at 6 but I work 6-8 hours a day at the bank, monday through friday and then nights I work at the shoppe or the golf course and weekends is golf course during the days and shoppe saturday nights. I'll work 5-6 nights a week and probably 7 days a week. Sounds fun right?
I've decided I'm never going to work sunday nights. I absolutely hate working on sunday nights but I love working sunday days at the course. It's ideal to have sunday nights off because I like to get everything done, prepare for my week and relax before the long drive. I feel like sunday is just a night to be at home relaxing not out working.

fresh start.

Perhaps this new job can be my fresh start. I work in a professional environment and I have to be up at a reasonable time. Plus the whole three jobs thing will keep me busy and that's what I want. I want to spend my time working hard and I want to spend time on myself you know. I have been so stressed out and I just want to feel okay again. That's what I want more than anything.
I just go through the motions every day hoping that at some point it will get better. I want to feel strong and confident and proud again. I need something new to give me hope. I need to move past everything with number twelve and be okay alone.
It's time for a fresh start.

new beginnings.

I had my first day at the bank today. It was good, overwhelming. I hate starting a new jobs because the first few days you are so overwhelmed because everything is so new. I always find it so stressful. Other than that it was good though.
Haha okay I'm probably not supposed to say this due to privacy laws etc. etc. but today someone came into the bank and asked for 17 cents out of their debit account. It took absolutely everything in my power to not burst out into laughter.

somebody please help me.

Make me believe again.

do I matter.

I have a question: does it all mean something?
You're probably wondering what 'all' entails. I mean everything; getting out of bed every morning, working, going to school, helping people, being selfish, being selfless, being kind, being mean, texting, computers, working hard, being in a relationship, having friends, falling in love etc. I mean all of it, everything you do from the moment you get up until the moment you fall asleep. Is it ever going to make sense? One day will it all fit into place, get better. Is it ever going to feel worth it? Does it matter? Any of it? All of it.
Does any of it mean something?

disappear.

I'm just tired. Tired of everything. I can't even put into words how tired I am. Exhausted even. I want to fall away into a different world. Or perhaps disappear completely. I am tired of being. I'm tired of living and breathing and feeling this way. Nothing. I feel nothing. I am numb. And when I do feel, I feel broken and sad and angry and frustrated and really really exhausted. I am at the point where I'm going to isolate myself completely so that I will be forgotten, so that I will disappear.

go die university.

I killed my geography final. I added it up and I got at least a 86 depending on where in the A- I sit for the class. I hated that class and wasn't doing good in it and I needed that minimum 86 to get an A- which for that class was all I cared about because I didn't want it to destroy my gpa. Luckily my complete fuck of a psychology professor destroyed my gpa with my psych mark. He seriously writes the most difficult tests imaginable. I'm still waiting on my english mark. I'm rather nervous. It shouldn't be too bad but it's gonna drop my gpa. I'm so flustered because I literally have zero gpa boosting classes. Like I don't get to take gpa boosting classes and it kills me because all these kids are taking badminton or hockey or whatever and all of my classes a part of my major/minor.
The other thing that frustrates me about my classes is that my gradescales are different for every class. Ironically the class that it's highest for is the class I got an A+ in.

Is it ever going to go back to the way it was?

I'm just so flustered. I can't even go into detail because I feel like my entire life is in shambles. I just got home from work and I am sitting in my living room with tears streaming down my face because I am that frustrated.