Silly boy.

I'm so stupid and such a girl with feelings. So I googled J today. I came across his linked in profile and it led me to his mom's obituary. I nearly burst into tears instantly upon reading it. She was so gorgeous. All I could think about are all the wonderful things he's told me about her. I teared up a little bit when I realized that he really did choose to spend her birthday with me and that her death was only a week later and it explained SO MUCH about his emotions. It melts my heart that he wanted to spend her birthday and his birthday with me this year.

Love this.

This is actually so funny. And so true in so many ways.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/juliapugachevsky/signs-youre-just-not-that-into-relationships-as-told-by-t#.qdkJPYz0QE

Mixed emotions.

I really like the colour in my new haircut. I'm really sad that R is moving though. I feel so bad for him.
They were together for 18 years. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to separate lives after that. I asked him what next and he's moving to Greece as of June 1. That is heartbreaking for me, incredible for him. It makes sense though I mean what does he have here once his business is sold and his relationship is over. He has no family and who wants to live in Lethvegas.

Good morning self.

I go over it back and forth in my head on a regular basis, especially when we haven't spoken much. I was kind of over it last night on my way home. I just hit this point where I'm like okay just let it go so your heart stops hurting. He was upset on Wednesday, yesterday he was short. I'm not mad I just roll my eyes and think why do I do this to myself. I find the last line of this horoscope an incredibly interesting one.
Don't abandon a relationship that hasn't been given a chance yet.
I guess it's my turn to just let him have his moment or day or week and still be here supporting him.

silly girl, go to sleep.

So many thoughts in my brain.

I NEED to move out.

I'm starting to look at new places to live. If I do that I am going to really have to CURB my spending.

Silly girl, since when do you have emotions.

I am being SO ridiculous right now and I know it. I found out M aka Court has a girlfriend who works at the boys' other restaurant today. I know how ridiculous it seems that I would care. I never wanted to date him but he was nice to have around for awhile. It was nice to just talk to him and flirt. I guess it was mostly just nice to be wanted.
I mentioned it to S today and I guess if I think about it, he was a pretty big step for me post-number twelve. He was the first boy I was even remotely romantic with since number twelve. He made me realize I could be with someone else.
I didn't want to be with M because we are at SUCH different places in our lives. He is still in the party every weekend, do drugs sometimes phase and drink excessively on a regular basis while I'm like let's have a glass of wine in bed before I pass out.

Something to ponder.

Mom finally met him tonight. She said, "when are you going to let him in". I said, "I have mom". She said no you haven't. When are you going to let him all the way in. He's just waiting for you to say the words.