Smiles all around.

I feel so good about myself today.

J.

But I seriously I want to fuck/marry/fall in love with him.

Advice? Please?

I honestly need advice. I am so head over heels. I actually am falling for him. But I'm awkward and nervous and I don't know how to pursue. I think he is the same.

Revelations.

I can be more than okay without him; I can be excellent with someone else.

It was way too easy to say those words you said.

I watched you fade away but I turned my head and closed my eyes, prayed instead. I told myself that it'd be fine. I wish I could've just said something but when you said you needed time, I heard goodbye.

It's a spring break up, baby bye bye.

I am so nervous to admit out loud that I am actually interested in somebody else. And I don't mean an attractive bartender at a pub or a head-turning trainer at the gym. I mean someone who is a real human being that I engage in conversations with regularly.
I think the terrifying part is that he is absolutely everything I've ever seen myself with. He's older and he has his life together. He is intelligent and well-dressed and he has the ability to love. He wears suits everyday but can also dress up dark jeans. He is thoughtful and kind and makes me laugh. He has money, and I don't honestly care about the money-- I care about what it represents: ambition, hard work, intelligence, appreciation.
He was raised well. And I know that's a weird thing to find attractive about a human being but he was. We were joking about how I wasn't allowed to wear sweatpants to school and he's like yeah, because you aren't trash. And he's right. I was raised to value myself, to believe in my value and to project my value to the world.
He cares about working out and eating well. This is a huge thing for me because it is a lifestyle. And I don't honestly believe a relationship can be successful when one person seriously values these things and they are at the bottom of their partner's priority list.
He loves to travel. He is Greek and Italian and he loves to travel. I am honestly sitting here with stupid little butterflies in my stomach while I write about him. I get giddy, but in a way that I am trying desperately, to control my giddiness.
He is exactly the type of man I have always seen myself with.
Except one thing, he's not number twelve. The scary part of admitting I am developing feelings for J means that I am acknowledging that I might have been wrong. That I might have spent 3 years longing for someone who I didn't really need to long for. That I might be able to love somebody else wholly. That I might really have been too young to understand my own feelings. That I can be more than okay without him; that I can be excellent with someone else.

Amanda Lindhout.

"One of the best things you can believe about the world is that there is always, no matter what, someone worth longing for."

It's funny that this stands out. A month or a year or two years ago I would have known exactly who I longed for. Now, I'm not so sure. Or maybe, I am sure, but I'm nervous about the idea of admitting it.

Does this man really exist?

I seriously am in love. I don't even think he is a real human being. I am dead serious right now. He is so perfect. Today when I got to work I was standing by the posi and he's like B is that you? I was like hiiii. He's like I didn't know if it was you or CB but I'm glad it was you. I'm like oh yeah, I'm gone for 2 days so you missed me.
Then we were standing in the back and he said something else and as he went into the office he's like I love you B (inside my head I said I love you too, let's get married).
Then I was like how was Sunday and he's like come in here and shut the door and I'll tell you. So I went inside the office and he told me all about it and I just laughed.
So I walked outside the office and the girl I was standing beside was like did he just say what I think he said, and I'm like yeeep. This same girl, ER (whom I adore, I might add) was like you need to get on that. The other night I was in J's office and ER kept coming in and out and she's like sorry I feel like I'm interrupting and we're like no we're just making fun of people it's all good.
She completely has my back she thinks I should totally go for him.

Then a few minutes later he made some sort of hot chocolate espresso drink concoction that was SO good, I might add. And he's like do you like chocolate? Of course. So he gave me one.
Then he's like want to see what I just made? I'm like sure. So he brings out these chocolate covered strawberries and he's like eat one. And I did and it was AMAZING.
And the entire time I had to refrain from yelling loudly, I LOVE YOU.

Life stops for no one.

And we know it's never simple, never easy, never a clean break, no one here to save me.

You deserve so much better.

Every time you send me a snap that mentions or shows your boyfriend I literally want to punch you in the face. He is an abusive asshole. He said some of the rudest things to me ant human being ever has and has never had the balls to apologize. Essentially, he's scum and he's lucky I have never punched him in the face.