Ain't gonna let her go quite as easy as I did.

There's somebody out there holding my somebody somewhere.

I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right; I hope you had the time of your life.

As long as it's on your terms

It'd be so nice if the effort I put into certain relationships was even half returned.

Seriously, do they know they are inadequate?

I wonder if men realize that a toy can get a woman off 100 times better than any man ever could?

My deepest fear.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is light not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine like children do. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. "

Lacking logic.

The heart has reasons that reason can't know.
-Blaise Pascal

Be your best.

I hate when people are in competitions and say I'm so glad that person is gone or out or can't come or whatever because they were a major competitor and now I don't have to worry. To me winning means beating the best, not getting first because other strong competitors quit or withdrew etc. Success is working hard to overcome all adversity and achieving the greatest over all.

Torn.

I'm so torn. I'm torn between where I want to go in life and what I want right now. I have a year and a half before I can go anywhere. I want someone for a year. Then break up so I can go see the world and live it up. Selfish I know. The problem is that I can't date someone just to date them. It's not in me. I need to see a future because that's who I am. I've never been able to do the high school relationship thing.
To be perfectly honest, I am terrified of relationships. I am terrified to find that someone. I am terrified that I'm going to have a broken heart again. I'm terrified to ever get a divorce. I wasn't even two when my parents split up. That kind of thing leaves a mark. And I think my lack of commitment scared number twelve because I was so afraid of letting him in and he couldn't understand why.
So now I'm at this place where I'm torn between wanting someone and not wanting to let that someone in. I want someone as long as it's completely on my terms. No compromise, no commitment. When I say I want him and when I say I want space entirely my own accord.

Lonely.

I really thought I was okay with this night. With working and coming home to bed alone. I'm not. I miss number twelve immensely. I saw S' tweet and it breaks my heart. It's hard for me to see people who have gone through real shit as a couple and know that they're together and happy while I'm alone missing the bit I love.
And I'm happy it works for some people. And I'm happy when my friends are happy. But I miss number twelve and I want to be happy with him. It's hard because I want that happiness.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. "

Agent Rossi

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going.

Basking.

I work at 330 today. Best part of my day is relaxing laying on the couch watching Canada play Russia in World Juniors. It's so nice that no one can bother me and I have time to just relax. I registered for school this morning finally after the stupid cash office took my hold off. So hopefully it will be all good. I'm pretty nervous about this semester so I'm excited to have a few days off before it starts.

Bad timing.

I mentioned KH the other day. In a discussion with JM I realized something.
Me: he's good looking, good teeth, incredible eyes, nice truck, taller than me, complete sweetheart, got his life together.
JM: why don't you bang him?
Me: he's husband material. He is literally everything I would want in a man. The issue is me. I'm not ready for wife hood. I don't want a boy that could be a serious prospect. I want a boy that in a year and a half when I graduate will just be a supportive friend. Not someone who makes me wanna stay.

Sunday funday nerd style

Yeah I'm laying in bed watching Harry Potter like a boss.

I deserve to shine.

I honestly can't describe how happy I am to be back in leth. Away from everyone. Worrying about me. My family (not including momma) just don't understand. This place isn't me running away. It's a place for me to be myself. A place where who I am is who I choose to be. Not who I used to be or who my friends are or who my sisters are who my parents are. There's a difference between running away and forging your own path. This is my life and my journey and I'm not going to feel guilty for that.
I got tired of holding myself back so I didn't outshine you. So I left.