liquid courage.

yesterday i called sunshine. from sofa king's phone.
seeing as they are best friends i knew he would answer it. it was really weird though. i missed his voice. it was just nice to talk to him and realize that yeah i really do miss my best friend. i was shocked that when i asked him if he knew who it was he recognized my voice and said yes. and he still spoke to me. i don't know it baffles me. i just wonder if we are ever going to be friends again. all i'm asking for is a conversation.

the forehead kiss.

maybe it's just me but i've always thought the forehead kiss was pretty special, intimate. it's the kind of kiss my dad gives me so i know he is always there for me and loves me so much. i think the forehead kiss just shows you truly care about someone. my sister kisses my forehead and tells me she loves me all the time. it seems like something you do to someone you really love.
i think that's why i was so confused. if i was dating a boy and he kissed another girl's forehead, i'd be choked. i guess i just don't understand where his head's at.

just to see you smile.

i told you that i was happy for you;
and given the chance i'd lie again.

farside.

"soo... km and i kinda got back together last night."
"oh really, that's awesome."
"yeah i guess we'll see how it goes."
"wow, you sound really really excited about it."
"no it's not like that, i am"
"really."
"well.. it will be interesting. it's good i think."
"awesome good for you."

what would you like me to say to you? do you even want this? or are you just doing this because you have invested so much time into it and feel like it's what you are supposed to do?

dodge got stuck.

okay so sofa king and i are having brews it's all great fun, lg is there and bs and some other girl and then big brother shows up with am and msomething... farside fridays are quite enjoyable. we decided to go 4x4'ing. sofa king enjoys that. so kay whatever driving just chatting laughing enjoying. me myself was quite intoxicated and i was like sitting in the front seat of his truck and being extremely useless because i was soo hungover and felt so awful and bitter towards boys. sofa king decides to keep coming in his truck and singing to me everytime. and then he leaned across the seat and in my head i was like oh no please do not kiss me again there are way to many people here even if tthey are outside. and he like almost kissed me then stopped about an inch away from my head and i was relieved. he continued to get in and out of the truck either asking me how i am or singing to me. until one time he gets inside leans across the seat and kisses my forehead. i was speechless. he just started trying to drive his truck. we went to the casino and honestly like i smiled the entire time and am and sofa king and i just had so much fun. and we left. we spent the entire day together. and bam, over.

i just don't get it.

if i was dating a boy and he treated another girl the way that sofa king treats me i would be absolutely choked.
have i mentioned this is a very common problem for me??
i mean being friends with boys that treat me as more.
i just don't understand.

it's only been 3 days.

sooo it's been three days... i've now been to all my classes and looked over all my assignments for the semester. i've come to the conclusion that it just might kill me.

it's like grade 11.

today i had school from 9am to like 325; that is a very long day for me. i haven't been at school that long since the first semester of grade eleven... and i was only there that much every other day... how ridiculous is that. wednesdays are going to be long days.

i can't explain.

i just trust him. he gets me to confide in him and i'm not scared. i've heard of unconditional love but this is truly like unconditional trust.

i think i need a new town to leave it all behind.

i think i'll start a new life.
i think i'll start it over,
where no one knows my name.

the world you must have crossed.

dear you look so lost;
eyes are red and tears are shed.

boston.

you don't know me, you don't even care.
you don't know me, you don't wear my chains.

naps.

i had a nap this afternoon and now i'm so blaahh.

grow up.

i think i'm gonna look up scholarships to help dad out.

vanilla almond special k.

if i'm honest with myself i'm actually a bit upset about the whole sofa king situation. i'm not mad by any means, i really did expect this. i'm just hurt a little bit. maybe a bruised ego?
i guess i just felt something again. i haven't felt anything real in so long. i felt something. i got butterflies but still felt so comfortable. it wasn't really weird like i'd expected; in fact it was really natural. he knew when i was upset and just being with him comforted that.
he made me realize that i probably just keep number twelve around because he is at my beck and call. he made me realize i don't feel anything; i forced myself to become numb.
all along i knew he was still into km, he loves her and i get that. and i really like her, she's a really cool girl. i don't like what she did to him but that's not my place. it's his choice and i respect his decisions. i don't appreciate the way he went about it but i know him so well that i figured he'd pick a good friend to hit on; he's done it before.
he reminded me the way i want to be treated, the way i deserve to be treated. he reminded me how i won't be treated and what i won't go through again. he made me remember what it's like to have a friend that you aren't even a little bit afraid to tell anything to. he made me remember how to trust, unconditionally.

chivalry.

aww an old man opened the door for me and told me i was pretty.

properly.

i forgot what it was like to be treated like that.

this is a big world, that was a small town.

i'm gonna find someone, someday, who might actually treat me well.

sofa king is getting back together with km.

i know it all along.

take me away to the place where the good times roll.

i got myself worked up over nothing today.
all the trash that's in my head,
i've got to throw it away.

take a ride.

there's a place i wanna show you and it won't take long.

take me away.

don't let me stay in this place where this hate can steal my soul.

pink felt pen.

and i'll bet you thought you'd beat me,

wish you could only see

i've got an 'i heart ?' written on the back of my hand.

what is going through your head?

and when you're home all alone at night,
you still wonder why you took everything i had.

it was overrated.

i came out alive but i'm black and blue.

simply baffled.

i don't understand. i don't understand. i do not understand.

i hate boys.

why would he say what he said and then just stop talking to me completely.

what is your deal.

he won't talk to me and i don't understand why. i knew something like this would happen. i knew as soon as i considered him as a possibility i'd start being into him and then he'd pull some garbage stunt like this. i refuse to go through this again... i'm not letting someone fuck me around and toy with my emotions for another three years. i just can't do it. i won't.

it's time to go home.

i think i might actually be ready to go back to cow town for the week. i haven't been there since the 19th and it just feels like it's time. i haven't had a highway drive in forever and after the whole number twelve/ sofa king thing, i could really use one. i'm pretty nervous about where sofa king's head is at and i'm really worrried because i don't want to break number 12's heart. i guess it's time to go back to my solitude.

have faith.

every song has a final coda, a final movement; whether it fades out or crashes away. every song ends.

is that any reason not to enjoy the music?

tswift.

something tells me tswift is going to be playing a lot in the next little while. and we all know that means b is going to be nursing a broken heart.

how was i supposed to know that?

i wanted you to fight for me. i wanted you to say there is no one else you could ever be with and that you'd rather be alone then without me.