Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Someday I'll see you again.
"Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."
Would you?
"Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives, or if the moments in our lives make us? If you could go back and change just one thing about your life would you? And if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimately break your heart, or break the heart of another? Would you choose an entirely different path? Or would you change just one thing, just one moment, one moment that you've always wanted back?"
and we'll always be friends forever.
Goodbye may seem like forever, a farewell is like the end; but in my heart's a memory and there you'll always be.
Is it a fallacy?
Do you believe in true love? Or fate? Or the concept of a soulmate? Are any of those even real? Or are they just fictionalized portrayals of love created for girls to watch more movies. I sometimes wonder if true love exists. If we have a soulmate.
I am conflicted when I think about this because I think about someone like sunshine. We were literally so compatible in theory, but it practice it would never work. I loved him and I know that he loved me even if he never admits it out loud to anybody. And I'm okay with that because I learned so much from him about who I am from him. And I learned who I'm not. I have never gotten along with someone so well, even number twelve. He was probably the best friend I ever had at that point. I mean, as good of a friendship you can have in high school.
I think about the differences between number twelve and sunshine. And there are so many. I loved both of them so deeply, but so differently.
So I wonder, can you know that someone is meant for you? Is it possible to feel that? To know, without a seed of a doubt, that someone is perfect for you? I always thought I knew. Now, I'm not so sure what I think. I suppose I don't understand why you need to hurt, to know love. I don't understand why you have to take space to desire closeness. I needed those things but I cannot wrap my head around why.
I am conflicted when I think about this because I think about someone like sunshine. We were literally so compatible in theory, but it practice it would never work. I loved him and I know that he loved me even if he never admits it out loud to anybody. And I'm okay with that because I learned so much from him about who I am from him. And I learned who I'm not. I have never gotten along with someone so well, even number twelve. He was probably the best friend I ever had at that point. I mean, as good of a friendship you can have in high school.
I think about the differences between number twelve and sunshine. And there are so many. I loved both of them so deeply, but so differently.
So I wonder, can you know that someone is meant for you? Is it possible to feel that? To know, without a seed of a doubt, that someone is perfect for you? I always thought I knew. Now, I'm not so sure what I think. I suppose I don't understand why you need to hurt, to know love. I don't understand why you have to take space to desire closeness. I needed those things but I cannot wrap my head around why.
Sometimes a little strength is all you need.
I started reading back over things I wrote about him four years ago. I don't know why exactly. Maybe to torture myself. Maybe to see that I am not the same person I was four years ago and neither is he. I think that's what is difficult for me. I always find myself reminiscing on what we used to be and how I used to feel.
Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day. But I'm okay. I haven't been this okay in a long time. I was pretty close to messaging him the other day and I'm glad that I didn't because I need to be strong on my own. I need to learn to be okay without him because every time things have gotten really hard in the last three years and I've felt like I'm going to break, I call him. And when I call him everything is okay but I relapse. Every single time.
Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day. But I'm okay. I haven't been this okay in a long time. I was pretty close to messaging him the other day and I'm glad that I didn't because I need to be strong on my own. I need to learn to be okay without him because every time things have gotten really hard in the last three years and I've felt like I'm going to break, I call him. And when I call him everything is okay but I relapse. Every single time.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
weird.
I'm a very disconnected person. And by that I mean, I disconnect myself. I choose to not let people close to me. When people get close to me I get afraid. Other people are so open and they tell me these details in their lives and I just don't always know how to deal with it because I am not like that.
I am a crazy person, honestly.
I spend time with people all the time and I love social interaction and being around people and working in the service industry. And then I just hit this wall where all that I want in my life is to be alone. I feel bad a little bit because JP has been trying to talk to me and so has my other roommate and I was honestly so close to just being like please fuck off. As kindly as possible leave me the fuck alone. I don't want the small talk about how was your day and work etc. I want to just spend five minutes alone.
I am a crazy person, honestly.
I spend time with people all the time and I love social interaction and being around people and working in the service industry. And then I just hit this wall where all that I want in my life is to be alone. I feel bad a little bit because JP has been trying to talk to me and so has my other roommate and I was honestly so close to just being like please fuck off. As kindly as possible leave me the fuck alone. I don't want the small talk about how was your day and work etc. I want to just spend five minutes alone.
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