I read Donald Trump, you're still reading twilight.

It's hard you know, when you want to grow and change but you feel like people are holding you back. 

It's not supposed to be real.

I also went and saw BB today. I had a mental breakdown when I did. It was so real. 

Fear destroys us.

I've been very apprehensive to bring this up but I think I'm ready; mom has cancer again. 

Silly mind, stop thinking.

The wedding was in a lot of ways hard for me. Not simply because of the wedding but because it forced me to accept that my friends are in real life king relationships. Partially that scares me about lg. Partially it scares me because I'm not even remotely close to there. I'm not in a relationship. It's also difficult because there was so many beautiful men there and none of them ever want me. I'm insecure about relationships. And I sometimes wonder if I've held on to number twelve so long because he loves me and I know that he did and I fear that no one else will love me like that. I've never been the girl guys like, I'm extremely insecure about my size and I have never felt "pretty" per se. 

I also know that I am fiercely independent, often to a fault. And I think that scares boys a lot because boys want to be needed, we all do but I was never really good at giving off the "I need you" vibe because I don't know if I really believe I need a man in my life. I would love for one to be there but I find it difficult to believe I won't find happiness without a man. 

It's hard because I love do deeply, so unconditionally but I feel like very few people are like that, especially the unconditional part. I credit and blame my mother for that. She is honestly the best person I know and I hope to one day be half as strong as her, love half as deep as her, and be half as kind as kind as she is. 

Flip a coin.

I've been thinking a lot today about lg. I guess I'm just at yet another crossroads where I don't know if it's worth it and I have to decide if it's worth putting forth more effort and risking getting hurt more, being called a bad friend and the c word or if it's time for me to completely step back. 

You put me through it, I wanna undo it.

You stole my happy, you made me cry. Took the lonely and took me for a ride. 

You really blew it. 

You chose him so I have to choose me.

You know, they say that you shouldn't make someone a priority in your life when you're only an option to them. What do you do when you've made someone a priority for so long that it's a habit, a long standing one. How do you break it? 

That changes everything.

I guess that for so long I've just felt like I'm going forward and LG is stagnant. I feel like I have always put more into our friendship than she has. And for a long time, that was okay because I didn't know any different. Now, there are people in my life that prioritize me, that support me, that would do for me what I would do for them. And I think that changes   everything because I realize how I deserve to be treated. And I've realized there are people out there like me, people that will put as much into our relationship as I will. And as more of these people come in my life, more people have to leave to make room for them. 

It's fearless to walk away from someone who only hurts you?

Is it ever okay to walk away? To "give up" per se on something you've fought for for so long. It's funny you know, I haven't spoke to number twelve in ages and yet I have more trust and more faith in my relationship with him than in my relationship with LG and I spoke to her a few hours ago.