how could i live with myself?

i know what i did wasn't clever,
but you and me we're meant to be together.

it's all for the best.

you only meant well, well of course you did.

where is the love?

when the roof caved in and the truth came out i just didn't know what to do.

i hope that's me.

you keep on wondering who is gonna love you like i already do. and i keep wondering when you'll see.

all i really have to do is just be still.

when this road gets crazy and tries to break me and i've had all i can stand. i can close my eyes no matter where i am and
just be still.

a little too used to being alone.

this is my temporary home, it's not where i belong. windows and rooms that i'm passing through. this is just a stop on the way to where i'm going. i'm not afraid because i know, this is my temporary home.

child, believe in all these things.

life is hard and so is love.

i believe in fairytales.

and dreamer's dreams like bedsheet sails and i believe in peter pan and miracles anything i can to get by.
and fireflies.

oh best friends.

"on a scale of 1 to good, i'm lauren; she'd better watch out".

faith.

before you met me i was a fairy princess.
i caught frogs and called them prince and made myself a queen. before you knew me i travelled 'round the world. i slept in castles and fell in love because i was taught to dream. i found mayonnaise bottles, poked holes on top to capture tinkerbell. they were just fireflies to the untrained eye but i could always tell.

you can't break a broken heart.

starbucks is delicious.
i truly believe that taylor swift and starbucks can heal anything.

the house that built me.

you leave home and you move on. and you do the best you can. i got lost in this whole world and forgot who i am.

i got lost in this whole world and forgot who i am.

i thought if i could touch this place or feel it,
this brokeness inside me might start healing.
out here it's like i'm someone else,
i thought that maybe i could find myself.

marley and me.

honestly everything in my life seems like a giant mess right now. for as long as i can remember i have always wanted children and when number twelve told me he never ever wants kids it practically devastated me. but lately, it's been weird. since he said that, it's like theres been signs that i shouldn't have kids. he gave me marley and me, the movie to watch and i finally watched it last night. it made me really take a look at why i wanted kids. and i know exactly why he wanted me to watch it; he's scared our relationship will become like that. that we will begin to give up our own dreams for the other one; that we'll sacrifice our careers for children, that it will deteriorate our relationship because it's so hard. i understand why he doesn't want kids, i do. but it still breaks my heart a bit.
today, a girl in my history class started talking about kids and society and how she never ever wants them because she is afraid she'll screw them up or that the way she raises them will be different from how society wants them to be. and that's a lot of pressure to put on a child and even more pressure to put on a parent. she reminded me of all the bad things about being a parents. and i just find it a little too ironic than number 12 and i are at this space in life.
heck, i just turned 19. i don't want children anytime soon. why am i stressing this. i don't want kids for years. this is one of the reasons we aren't together right now. because we are always looking so far ahead we forget about just being happy together right now.

it's as simple as something that nobody knows.

i don't know why,
i can't take my eyes off of you.

i've got a memory of you i carry in my soul.

after all this time,
you're still with me; it's true.
somehow you remain, lost so deep inside.

not a day goes by that i don't think of you.

if you asked me how i'm doing i'd say, just fine.

i said i love you. he said i know.

if i didn't know better i'd believe only that which i heard.

silence speaks louder than words.

kindly unspoken, you show your emotion.

it'll only take a minute, to tell you everything.

the first time i looked in your eyes,
i knew that i would do anything for you.

i'm moving on.

i had to lose everything to find out.

salt water.

it's gonna hurt bad before it gets better.

i'll never get over you walking away.

i've never been the kind to let my feelings show.
and i thought that being strong meant never losing self control.
but i'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain to hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes.

keith urban said it best.

tonight i wanna cry.

if your heart wears thin, i will hold you up.

the only thing you want is just to be still for awhile.

fearless.

it was supposed to make me feel fearless. but i don't. i feel just as broken as i did before. i still miss him. i still think about that stupid night every single day. it drives me nuts that i told the truth and i'm sitting here alone and broken. yet, he's still lying and i'll bet she's sitting beside him with a smile on her face. it's just a lie. your relationship is a giant lie and i feel bad for her. all i can do is be sad. i have tried to keep busy, i tried to think about it, i have written about it.
i just miss you.

it was a beautiful letdown.

i'm here without you baby,
but you're still on my lonely mind.
i think about you baby,
and i dream about you all the time.

hey jude.

don't make it bad.
take a sad song and make it better.
remember to let her into your heart,
then you can start to make it better.

blackbird.

take these broken wings and learn to fly.
all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.

so hard to see myself without you.

i felt a piece of my heart break.
but when you're at a crossroads,
there's a choice you've gotta make.

i guess its gonna have to hurt,
i guess i'm gonna have to cry;
nd let go of some things i'd love to give to the other side.
i guess its gonna break me down,
like falling when you're trying to fly.
they say that sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
starts with goodbye.

even from those who don't believe.

he ain't the leaving kind,
he'd never walk away.

i'll wait here forever.

i don't want this moment to ever end;
where everything's nothing without you.

it's true,
i'm nothing without you.

i thought that you were mine.

i don't wanna see you anymore;
i'm just not that strong.

i am damaged at best.

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing;
with a broken heart, that's still bleeding.
at the end of pain, there's still healing;
so i'm holding on.

turn it up.

i like the sound of the alarm clock ringing,
means i'll spend another day with you.

it ain't easy being this cool.

invisibly shaken, quietly breaking;
desperately taking one breath at a time.
beneath this compoure, i know its over.
baby i'm dying cause you can't be mine.
but i will never show the toll its taken;
i'm invisibly shaken.

sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

love is fragile and we're not always it's best caretakers. we just muddle through and do the best we can and hope this fragile thing survives against all odds.

i'm not ready to let him go.

a friend told me to be honest with you so here it goes. this isn't what i want but i'll take the high road. maybe it's because i look at everything as a lesson or because i don't wanna walk around angry. or maybe it's because i finally understand.
there are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept. things we don't wanna know but have to learn.
and people we can't live without but have to let go.

love alone is never enough.

do you think two people can really love each other but it's not enough?

i dare you to move.

listening to love songs at a time like this is a terrible idea. i really do think i just put myself through excruciating pain so i don't feel anything at all. i mean staying last night was bad, he doesn't want that and it i were any other girl it would've probably given me hope; for a moment it did. but i know better than that.
love is a lie... or at least i'd like to believe that.

what happens next..?

what happens next is up to you.

what a disaster it would be if you discovered i cared.

if you're always looking for reasons not to be with someone, you'll always find them. maybe you should just let go and give your heart what it deserves.

live with no regrets.

to be perfectly honest, i don't know if i'd take it back. i've told you that before and i'll tell you it again. i know it was wrong, and it was a horrible thing to do but if i didn't do it i would've always wondered. now i know where you stand and that how i feel about you is real. i can't take it back because if i didn't do it i'd have never realized that i'm in love with you.

so if the chain is at your door, i understand.

i'd go back in time and change it, but i can't.

you were the best thing that's ever been mine.

maybe this is wishful thinking,
probably mindless thinking;
if we loved again i swear i'd love you right.

back to august.

so this is me swallowing my pride,
standing in front of you saying i'm sorry for that night.
and i go back to december all the time.
turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
wishing that i realized what i had when you were mine.
i'd go back to december, turn around and make it alright.
i go back to december all the time.

i hate you.

it's funny you know,
i told the truth and i'm sitting here alone and broken.
yet, you're still lying and i bet she's sitting next to you with a smile.

i'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine.

on a more positive note, i have an a+ in my childhood development psych class, an a in addictions counselling and an a- in economics.
woo go me! being a nerd actually paid off!

half past the point of no return.

soooo a girl i went to high school with has been dating a boy for 5 months and they are engaged!!? are you kidding me??? there is no freaking way i would be getting married. if number 12 asked me to marry him right now i wouldn't say yes, i'd say not yet. and that's 2 years relationship, 4 years friendship. like i cannot even believe this right now. she was formerly in love with sunshine, and bm. like oh my gosh! nuts nuts nuts. perhaps if we were talking about dragon and kodiak then maybe marriage at 19 would be somewhat comprehensible. but this, mind boggling. have you ever seen the other guys??? i just got mind fucked.

thanksgiving.

i had a pretty good weekend. massage, fam pictures, hair did, nails did, tattoo!
and i enjoyed 2 turkey dinners.