I'm so lame, but I can rhyme.

Also, if you ever wanted to know the way to my heart,
a box of smarties is a hell of a place to start.

I ain't missing you at all, no matter what my friends say.

I was talking to my sister tonight and she told me she was watching A Cinderella Story. I love that movie. Honestly, I know how lame that is but there is something about it, something about believing in a fairy tale that I just love. That's what I want in my life and I know it's not realistic and it's silly but I want a fairytale love (and every girl is thinking don't we all). But there's an issue with me: I actually think in this manner. I can be a realistic and down to earth but when it comes to love I am completely delusional. I want all the things that I know are almost impossible. But if you catch me on the right day, I believe. I believe in love so deeply, so intensely, and so powerfully; it's magical.
The way I see love, the way I've felt love, it is simply just that: magic. I have felt that feeling of absolute contentness simply being near the boy I love. And I've felt torturous pain that I'd never take back and suffer through all day every day if it meant he was happy.
And tonight she said something about wishing she was in love again. And I said I want a boy to talk to all the time sit beside me while I study on a saturday night. And she said not a boy, the boy. And I said not yet, I just want a boy for now so that he can't get close enough to me to break my heart. At this point, she kinda got mad. She's like well that's a great way to look at life. And I understand what she's saying but at the same time, we all know how hard it is to get back in the ring and I said that to her. When you've really loved someone with everything that makes up your being, it is a big deal to even consider letting somebody else close to you. And I get so frustrated with the people who date someone for a month and say I love you, etc. because I am just the exact opposite of that. I don't tell people I love them when I don't because I would rather not have people tell me they love me when they don't. And you can use the word in many of ways but I mean truly, unconditional love. I don't want that yet. I'm too afraid. And I'd love to say I want that but in all honesty, if the opportunity presented itself, I don't think I'd be able to fully open up my heart to someone again. A piece of me will always belong to number twelve and I don't think that you can just move past that in a few months.
Anyways, I am now going to go watch A Cinderella Story so I can spend the remainder of my saturday night indulging in a bunch of fairy tale nonsense that will make me seriously miss number twelve and crave a connection like that.

another night all alone.

I was going to go to tight and bright tonight. It's one of the main reasons I stayed home on thursday. But now I have no desire to go out at all. I don't feel great and I have tons of homework and I would rather just sit here with my tim's and do homework and hopefully K, got me The Help so I can watch it tonight.
I'm worried I have mono, daddy thinks it's strep. I have been so tired and achy lately and I've also been getting headaches (which I never get) and I have had a really sore throat. From what I've read, these are symptoms of mono. Today and yesterday I slept until after 11 and today I had a nap too. Like that's crazy for me. Usually like 7:30 am I'm wide awake. So I don't know what's going on but going out drinking, especially when I don't feel like it, isn't going to solve the problem.
I just wish I had a friend here that would be willing to stay home on a saturday night and study with me, you know? Like last night I was flustered because I really wanted to watch the entire pronghorns game and like in between the second and the third they started complaining about wanting to leave. And I was so frustrated because I go out with these people, I take them to the bar, etc. And they couldn't sit at a hockey game with me for two hours. Like honestly it was the fastest hockey game I've ever been to. At 8:30 ish we left and it was halfway through the third and that's insanely fast if you've ever been to a hockey game. I don't know, I struggled with this all last year too. I can't seem to find people in this town that are like me, people that are content to not drink alllll the time. I don't know if it's because they are like wheeu we're in university, we've never lived away from home, we're in kines or business, or what it is. It sucks though.
I think that's a huge part of why I went to Calgary so much last year. We would spend our days just studying and relaxing and then we'd go for supper with dad and go home and study more or watch a movie and go to bed. I miss being able to just stay home and not feel guilty about it. And that is a major benefit in a relationship. You can say, 'no we're just going to stay home tonight' and nobody judges you because you're not alone. ugh.

I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night.

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar, the only one who's got enough of me to break my heart. He's the song in the car, I keep singing-- don't know why I do. He's the time taken up, but there's never enough. And he's all that I need to fall into.

between a rock and a hard place.

Also, I am very glad my sister and I have polar opposite taste in males. Seriously, last night I dealt with such a sucky situation, or at least attempted to. So we went to  the Proghorns hockey game and then I went to the boys house and waited for JW to be ready to go to the bar because it was his fundraiser thing so I felt bad because I wasn't going so I drove him but then JV and I were texting because her sister was with CM and she didn't know about it and it's such a messed up situation.
Like she is crazy about CM and has been for a long while. She didn't realize it until after she introduced her sister to him though. And CV and CM had a thing for awhile but then he didn't want a relationship so she was like oh well I'm not just gonna sit and wait for you. And JV realized she was actually super into him and last year was tough because they were so incredibly close etc. And then in the summer she told him. And she told her sister. And now everyone lives in the same city and pretty well CV hangs out with us fairly often and she hangs out with CM all the time and it hurts JV so much.
What I don't understand is how as a best friend or a sister you could do that to someone. Like if my sister told me she had major feelings for someone that I was seeing I think no matter how much I liked them myself, I'd have to back off. At least until I knew my sister was happy with someone else. I just couldn't imagine full well knowing that hanging out with a boy was hurting her and then continue to do it. And if that was my best friend and he knew too, it would be such a douchebag thing to do still pursue my sister, full well knowing how I feel. Yeah I just can't imagine doing that.
Anyways I tried to talk to her about stuff and help her feel better. It's just a shitty situation and there's no way for her to remove herself from it. I mean these are her best friends and one is related by blood. My heart aches for her because I can only imagine how tough it is. It took me a long time to get to the place I'm at with number twelve, and it took cutting off virtually all contact to get here. I can't imagine how difficult this is for her. But I guess now she knows I'm here for her and hopefully that helps a bit.

tread lightly.

HJR and I were talking about DK and MQ. And I was laughing because he got facebook back so she tagged him in the picture with us. And MQ straight up told DK she doesn't want him texting HJR hahaha. Which I find hilarious because HJR is just friends with him.. she shot DK down before MQ was even in the picture. She loves BK, ends of story. And it's so funny because MQ is totally a jealous kind of girl. And both HJR and I are just agging this whole thing on.. in a funny way, not a mean way.
But we started talking and I was just like I don't know why I don't like DK and MQ together... I mean I don't hate MQ I just find her annoying more than anything because she's so whiny. And as we tried to figure it out we both basically come to the conclusion that he deserves someone better than her. Someone that isn't going to cheat on him and use him (like when he bought her a brand new Coach bag) etc. He is a nice kid and he's been in that relationship. I've heard a lot from both EH's side and DK's side but seriously he doesn't deserve to go thorugh that again.
I guess we all want what we want and we like who we like and we just have to support him if he's happy. It's just hard to watch a friend go through something they could avoid when they don't deserve to go through it.

you find out who your friends are.

Seriously, the more that I deal with other people, the more time I want to spend alone. I am so flustered. I'm so tired of all these flaky people in my life. I am the person that's always there. You know, the Tracy Lawerence 'You Find Out Who Your Friends Are' friend. I'll give you an example: last night antelope hunter called me and he's like hey can you drive us to the bar? I'm like yep I'm just leaving the library I'll be there right away. So I get there and text him and wait then I call him. He's like oh yeah we're already there but I have a HUGE favour to ask. I'm like yeah okay, what's that? And he's like can you go to my house, go into my room and get my id and money out of my pants pocket and bring it to me. And I was like seriously? He's like yeah, if you don't want to I more than understand I'll just walk home. And I know I sound incredibly whipped but it was cold and I wouldn't have let him walk home so if I was going to go get him, I may as well take him his id and let him enjoy his night; so I did.
And I don't mind doing things like that for my friends. I mean, I care about them and the way I see it, that's what friends do. But I do get frustrated because I feel like I don't have any friends that would do that for me. I feel like I'm the rock in every one of my friendships, the dependable one. And I just want to find someone that's going to be there for me for once. Maybe that's selfish but I just want there to be a person willing to devote their everything to me for a change.

I crave you.

Some days I just want to have a boyfriend to have the companionship. I know it sounds silly and selfish, but I just want to have a boy to sit beside me while I do homework. I want him to text me all day and hold me in his arms, go grocery shopping, come with me to do errands. I just want to have him here just to be here. I don't want to make a long-term commitment and I don't want to get emotionally attached. I don't want to feel anything more than contentness.
I guess that's the kind of thing I miss. I mean in all honesty, long distance relationships are good for me. I can focus on myself and maintain my independence while still knowing there's a boy sitting at home thinking about me, a boy that loves me. I liked being able to focus on my school and my friends but know that next weekend i was going to spend it with my boy. I crave that closeness. I supposed that's the epitome of it, closeness.

transparent.

Alright, alright. I will fully admit I am a complete bitch. But I just haaaaadd to watch that music video. I did and ahahahahahahahahahha. Seriously though, she doesn't have a bad voice but that was a stupid video and I'm not crazy about the actual song. I have a deep appreciation for music and I know how difficult it is to make it in that business. I mean, I dream about being a record producer but at the same time, I'm not willing to give up who I am or what I believe in to make it in an industry like that. And I know how easy you can lose sight of who you are when you don't have anyone to keep you grounded.
I mean good for her for trying but I just don't think I'd be willing to do something like that. I mean Reese Witherspoon made a point in her acceptance speech not too long ago, there are ways to make it with integrity in the entertainment industry; we've just forgotten that it can be done because most people don't get there that way. You don't have to do drugs or sleep with someone to make your dreams come true. If you do, it's probably time to find a new dream.
I don't know I'm a bitch and I'm cynical and often pessimistic. I can see the good in people but I am also more than in tune with the bad. I often have to force myself to see the good in a lot of people because I am more inclined to see the bad, it's a better depiction of who we are. It's not easy to be a good person, but it's easy to make the good things you do known to other people. I like to see the bad in people, see how the handle it, how they control it, if they accept it. The bad can tell you much more about a person that the good.

get a real job.

hahahahahahhaahhaahhahaahhahahaahahaha. ahahahahahahhahaahhaahhahahaha one of the broads hitting on number twelve just posted a music video on his and antelope hunter's wall of herself. bahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahaha
I'm such a bitch but seriously dying here. hahaahahahahahahaha

university life.

It's pathetic really that the best part of my day is coming home to eat an apple peanut butter and watch criminal minds.

gotta love the lib.

tonight we're sitting studying at the lib talking about marriage and living together and out of nowhere c looks at me and he's like b, stop whining.. I'm trying to study and you're distracting me.
haha this is how we felt at 10pm after waay too many hours in the library.

no bacon.

I really am annoyed by the fact they've remade footloose. It is never going to compare. It seems ridiculous to me that we are trying to remake all these movies. I mean you want to digitally enhance some and play them in the big screen (RE: Lion King) please by all means. But to remake it seems silly. I mean no one is going to fill Kevin Bacon's shoes in this. Like what are they gonna do next, remake Dirty Dancing? No, no one is like Swayze my dears.

I sometimes have mixed feelings about the gym.

Seriously, the biggest douchebags go to the gym late at night. It grinds my gears so bad because they are just so pathetic. Like yeah bud, you're soooo jacked. You are also 5 foot nothing with poor features. Like give me a break. Good for you for devoting your life to the gym because you have nothing else to offer.
I thoroughly enjoy the way you walk around attempting to have swagger when you don't. You wanna see a boy with swagger? Talk to JM. That kid has a hell of a walk. Only he's tall and good looking and hilarious as well.
Moral of the story, please devote yourself to something other than being a juice monkey and diversify your interests because this is clearly not working out for you.

be a man.

"Be a man. People say it all the time, but what does that even mean? Does it involve strength? Is it about sacrifice? Is it about winning? Maybe it's simpler than that. You have to know when not to man up. Sometimes it takes a real man to set his ego aside, admit defeat, and simply, start all over, again."

-Mcdreamy, Mcsteamy, Avery, Hunt, Karev, Chief Webber.

sometimes you've gotta let go.

I would really really like to go hiking in banff soon. And I thought about asking number twelve. I know how bad of an idea that could be. But at the same time, what really is there that we can do together to work on our friendship. I mean realistically, I don't want to go to dinner or a movie or drinks. I don't want to hang out at his house or my house or anywhere something can happen. It seems like going for a hike would be a great thing we would do together. It'd be a good way for us to catch up and an even better way to get some physical activity and just bask ya know.
I don't know I guess we'll see how it goes, whether or not we chat anytime soon is going to be up to him.

oh hey calgary or red deer. I don't know anymore.

the female heart.

there's a box of letters beneath my bed.

this was our favorite thing to do.

soooo sick.

Honestly, this is a great weight loss program.. only not because it's so incredibly unhealthy. I honestly cannot keep anything inside my body. I was eating brown toast and peanut butter because I thought it might be helpful and half way through I knew it was all coming out. Ugh. This cannot be healthy.
I have to go write my essay now. Hopefully I can keep my life together long enough. FML.

might have been.

I also realized how much I hate being one of the guys sometimes. I mean don't get me wrong, I love it, most days. I love being friends with boys and being invited to boy stuff that other girls are never invited to because I'm just one of the guys, you know. I mean I used to go to like tint car windows and I'd drink while they drank and worked on the cars.
I love doing the boy stuff just being chill and such. I must admit though, it has its downfalls. I'm not super girly so I get thrown into the friends zone so fast. And that sucks because I have some really great guy friends but that's what they are, friends. And my sister was like hey you have some cute friends that are nice and funny, why don't you do something about it? And part of the issue is that 90 percent of the boys I'm friends with have dated relatively good friends of mine so I'd never even consider them. But every now and again I fall for the boy who hasn't and I can't say anything because we're friends, ya know?
I guess I should probably take into consideration that these boys treat me better than they treat most girls and they have my back in a lot of ways that girls don't. I mean DK was gonna fight someone he'd never even met for me on Friday night without knowing even half the story. Those boys are awesome to me because they beak me like I'm one of the guys, but at the end of the day when it comes down to it, in a lot of ways they treat me better than the other guys because I'm a girl.

stupid media/boys/skinny girls.

I honestly wish I had a scale here. Maybe K does. I know it's kind of pathetic how obsessed I am with my weight. It seems silly really. I would honestly die to be 135-140 lbs. And for a girl I know that's still pretty heavy. But I'm also like 5'9" which makes a huge difference. Like I know boys who are half the size of me skinny wise but they weigh like a good 20-30 more than I do because they are so damn tall. I mean I remember when number twelve hit 200lbs and he was on cloud nine because he was so happy with his weight. And I remember when he was like 180 and I was so incredibly self-conscious about that because I've never been a tiny girl. I will never be a tiny girl and I know that. I honestly would be unhealthy if I weighed much less than 130 but I am not built to be that tiny and I would actually look gross if I weighed that little.
And it kills me because I'm friends with people who are so tiny and would actually probably consider killing themselves if they weighed what I weigh. They are a good 4-9 inches shorter than I am and that makes a huge difference. And it is really discouraging when there are people that weigh so much less than I do and are in such worse shape than I am. I mean like looking at them, you'd never think I weigh more, but theey are 5 inches shorter than me so they have the ability to carry their weight all evenly in their short little body.
The worst is the number of girls I'm friends with that eat like garbage and have never even hit the gym in their life and they are still just in perfect shape. Like screw you genes. I work so hard to eat healthy and be healthy by drinking water and eating properly and going to the gym and some days I just feel so defeated. I'd probably be content if I lost like 10-15 lbs.
Another thing that frustrates me is how much my weight fluctuates and even more how different my body looks after I eat anything. It's like anything I eat makes me so bloated and it's so frustrating. Like I can eat something so healthy and before I look happy and feel good in what I'm wearing that day and after I have a terrible stomach pooch that I must change so no one can see.
I don't know I'm just never satisfied. Like I used to be like if I lost 10-15 I'd be happy. But I'm not. I want to lose more. I want to be thinner. And when I was with number twelve he would like tell me babe you can't get skinnier like I love your curves. And when he saw me in the summer he was like holy shit you have no meat on you. You have hip bones but no hips anymore. What happened? I guess for me it just seems weird that he could really like my curves because he is in like peak physical condition. Like actually. That kid takes off his shirt and girls are literally drooling.

win some, lose some.

Also, I'm pretty sure DK and MQ are back together. Good for them I guess?
Him and I had a bit of a chat about it, but not nearly as much as I'd have liked. Oh well, whatever makes him happy.

today's Taurus horoscope.

"You have put someone on a pedestal. You believe this person to be the picture of strength, virtue, integrity, and honesty. You probably cannot imagine that this individual has moments of weakness, bouts of low self-esteem, or times of sadness or hopelessness. But everyone does. By assigning the perfect character to this individual, you are doing him/her a disservice. How can you let your loved one know that you will accept the relationship even with the flaws? Adjust your outlook and it will become obvious. Expect less, and you will get much, much more."

This epitomizes number twelve and my relationship. And it's kinda funny. It seemed like tonight he maybe let up a bit. We talked for about 45 minutes on my drive home. It was nice to just chat. You know? To catch up and not talk about our relationship or anything of the sort. Just to talk about what's going on in his life and my life, catching up like friends do. This is what I've missed most, us being able to talk. I miss my best friend.

bedtime.

My life hurts so much today it's not even funny. I legitimately want to quit because I am so hungover. I also have a disgusting amount of homework to do which I was going to start working on but I think I'm instead going to go lay down and then I will get up early and study. I stayed at DK's the last two nights and I'm really quite excited to sleep in my own bed tonight.
They are going out again and I honestly don't know how they do it. They are crazy. I couldn't do it. I cannot do it. I have drank more in the last two days than the last six months. My body isn't built to support this stuff. I'm a nerd and I'd like to crawl back into my nerd world and get good grades.
Anyways I'm going to bed. Laterrr.