I honestly wish I had a scale here. Maybe K does. I know it's kind of pathetic how obsessed I am with my weight. It seems silly really. I would honestly die to be 135-140 lbs. And for a girl I know that's still pretty heavy. But I'm also like 5'9" which makes a huge difference. Like I know boys who are half the size of me skinny wise but they weigh like a good 20-30 more than I do because they are so damn tall. I mean I remember when number twelve hit 200lbs and he was on cloud nine because he was so happy with his weight. And I remember when he was like 180 and I was so incredibly self-conscious about that because I've never been a tiny girl. I will never be a tiny girl and I know that. I honestly would be unhealthy if I weighed much less than 130 but I am not built to be that tiny and I would actually look gross if I weighed that little.
And it kills me because I'm friends with people who are so tiny and would actually probably consider killing themselves if they weighed what I weigh. They are a good 4-9 inches shorter than I am and that makes a huge difference. And it is really discouraging when there are people that weigh so much less than I do and are in such worse shape than I am. I mean like looking at them, you'd never think I weigh more, but theey are 5 inches shorter than me so they have the ability to carry their weight all evenly in their short little body.
The worst is the number of girls I'm friends with that eat like garbage and have never even hit the gym in their life and they are still just in perfect shape. Like screw you genes. I work so hard to eat healthy and be healthy by drinking water and eating properly and going to the gym and some days I just feel so defeated. I'd probably be content if I lost like 10-15 lbs.
Another thing that frustrates me is how much my weight fluctuates and even more how different my body looks after I eat anything. It's like anything I eat makes me so bloated and it's so frustrating. Like I can eat something so healthy and before I look happy and feel good in what I'm wearing that day and after I have a terrible stomach pooch that I must change so no one can see.
I don't know I'm just never satisfied. Like I used to be like if I lost 10-15 I'd be happy. But I'm not. I want to lose more. I want to be thinner. And when I was with number twelve he would like tell me babe you can't get skinnier like I love your curves. And when he saw me in the summer he was like holy shit you have no meat on you. You have hip bones but no hips anymore. What happened? I guess for me it just seems weird that he could really like my curves because he is in like peak physical condition. Like actually. That kid takes off his shirt and girls are literally drooling.
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