I think the hardest part is that he'll never know quite how much he changed me.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
That guy.
I think what I hate most about him is his ability to get under my skin with such little effort. I know he isn't trying to piss me off, but he is. I am so flustered with him. And I guarantee he doesn't even realize it. He isn't trying to. He's just him. I am not speaking to him. I completely deleted his phone number. I know it won't last, I mean he's my boss and when we reopen it's inevitable that we speak and such. But for now I need it. I need to distance, the strength. I need the independence.
He frustrates me to no end. I need to take some time for myself, away from him. If I'm honest, I'm really frustrated with his distance since I stayed there. I was offended by some of his comments in his note and I was especially offended by a comment he made after the fact. I need to take my space and process where I am. Perhaps I need to be more conscious of the fact he's my boss and not my friend.
It breaks my heart because when I went there for the Arsenal game a few weeks ago, I felt like he put our friendship first for the first time. Now I don't know how I feel.
He frustrates me to no end. I need to take some time for myself, away from him. If I'm honest, I'm really frustrated with his distance since I stayed there. I was offended by some of his comments in his note and I was especially offended by a comment he made after the fact. I need to take my space and process where I am. Perhaps I need to be more conscious of the fact he's my boss and not my friend.
It breaks my heart because when I went there for the Arsenal game a few weeks ago, I felt like he put our friendship first for the first time. Now I don't know how I feel.
If you don't put yourself first, nobody else will.
Growing up is funny you know. I think it's so silly how we change and develop. There is so much I value about myself that I never used to. And I make a conscious effort to try and remind myself of my worth. I consciously have to remind myself of all the wonderful things I have to offer. For me, one of the hardest things has been convincing myself that I'm beautiful. I know that I'm a good person with a lot to offer but I've never been the pretty girl. I've never been the girl boys want to date or even sleep with for that matter. I think part of that is my own making. I was always friends with boys rather than boys being interested in me. And that's fine because most of the time I'm really okay being alone. I have lonely days though. Last night was a tough one. That happens sometimes and I get it.
Today I feel better about myself. I recognize that I'm in better shape. I'm working hard to be. I had a shower and just left my hair today and I actually think it looks pretty good. I have to tell myself but, I'm beautiful. I rarely feel beautiful. I know beauty is skin deep whatever all the sayings and inspirational quotes that accompany it. I don't buy all that. It's silly because there are so many people in my life that I deem beautiful and worthy. I spend my time building them up because I want them to believe in their beauty even if it's not societal. I want them to believe in their beauty because I do. I try to build these beautiful women up because I never want them to feel like I do. I never want them to question their beauty or their worth. And I've never really felt that until this last year. I've never believed that other people see me as beautiful.
I remember I always used to tell number twelve that he was attractive. And he would always say but B, you know you are too. And I never really believed him. I never felt good enough for him. I always felt like look at you, you're this incredibly attractive hockey player in amazing shape... why me? I never felt worthy of him. And I loved his heart, I still do. I loved his sense of humour and his kind soul. But he would never proactively build me up. He was never the type to verbalize the way he saw me. And I know that he saw me on a pedestal for a long time and that he did value me in a lot of ways but he never verbalized it. And I needed that validation. I shouldn't but I did. He was never the first to bring it up though if that makes sense. And I was already insecure because of how fit he was. I mean that's why I started working out to begin with. I'm glad I fell in love with it but it was him and his sister that made me start the whole weight lifting thing.
I suppose my point is that it's funny how you start to grow up. You start to view yourself differently. You start to put yourself first and recognize your value. You recognize that if you don't put yourself first, nobody else will.
Today I feel better about myself. I recognize that I'm in better shape. I'm working hard to be. I had a shower and just left my hair today and I actually think it looks pretty good. I have to tell myself but, I'm beautiful. I rarely feel beautiful. I know beauty is skin deep whatever all the sayings and inspirational quotes that accompany it. I don't buy all that. It's silly because there are so many people in my life that I deem beautiful and worthy. I spend my time building them up because I want them to believe in their beauty even if it's not societal. I want them to believe in their beauty because I do. I try to build these beautiful women up because I never want them to feel like I do. I never want them to question their beauty or their worth. And I've never really felt that until this last year. I've never believed that other people see me as beautiful.
I remember I always used to tell number twelve that he was attractive. And he would always say but B, you know you are too. And I never really believed him. I never felt good enough for him. I always felt like look at you, you're this incredibly attractive hockey player in amazing shape... why me? I never felt worthy of him. And I loved his heart, I still do. I loved his sense of humour and his kind soul. But he would never proactively build me up. He was never the type to verbalize the way he saw me. And I know that he saw me on a pedestal for a long time and that he did value me in a lot of ways but he never verbalized it. And I needed that validation. I shouldn't but I did. He was never the first to bring it up though if that makes sense. And I was already insecure because of how fit he was. I mean that's why I started working out to begin with. I'm glad I fell in love with it but it was him and his sister that made me start the whole weight lifting thing.
I suppose my point is that it's funny how you start to grow up. You start to view yourself differently. You start to put yourself first and recognize your value. You recognize that if you don't put yourself first, nobody else will.
Stress.
I am dying here. I just need the restaurant to open like immediately so I can start working and have zero financial concerns whatsoever.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Yet another case of unrequited unconditional love.
How does a single person endure so much unrequited love in a lifetime? How does a single person love so much without anything in return?
Fucking girl stop those feelings.
I'm so stupid because I'm sitting here praying that I get a text from a number that isn't saved in my phone. I'm more than keenly aware of the fact it's not going to happen but that doesn't make me want it less. I'm stupid because it's not romantic and I know that and I'm perfectly okay with that. But I'm confused. I'm sad. I miss him.
If I'm honest, I'm hurt he wasn't there last night when I needed him to be. It kind of feels like no one was. I know it's my own fault but it doesn't hurt any less.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Silly girl, let your brain rest.
I know I'm silly. I wish I cared less. I have so much to say but no desire to write it.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Sunday, April 26, 2015
The absence of linguistic power.
"Only those who experienced Auschwitz know what it was. Others will never know."
-Elie Wiesel
What did I say to him?
"Did I explain to him that what had been a stumbling block for his faith had become a cornerstone for mine?"
-François Mauriac, Night Foreword
Loneliest day.
Today is the type of day I wish I had a partner, or a puppy. I really want a puppy. What I want more than anything right now is someone that loves me unconditionally.
FUCK.
I am in a terrible mood. Like TERRIBLE. I am so grumpy and so annoyed and ugh. I started off annoyed with the soccer game this morning. Then LM really pissed me off. She honestly is one of the most negative people I've ever met in my whole life. She's the type of person that is always draining your energy. Yesterday she called and I purposely didn't answer so I texted her like sorry my phone was on silent, what's up. She called again. She called to tell me that she drove all the way downtown to find a swimming pool and then got in a car accident. Then she said, "every time I try to get in shape, something happens. Maybe I am supposed to be fat."
I basically want to be like you know what your biggest problem is? Your attitude. You are always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS talking about negative things happening to you and then guess what, they do. Perhaps you should try to be a little bit more positive and look at the bright side of things.
It's also incredibly frustrating because she is just so needy. Like I get it, you don't have a lot of friends here. But you really aren't doing much to make friends. Take a cooking or fitness class. Get involved in something. Make an effort to meet new people. Go on a weekend trip to Banff with random people. Do SOMETHING. TRY. It's like she came over here assuming everything in her life would be fixed by coming to a new country.
She hates her weight and complains about it SO much it drives me absolutely fucking mental. Like look, you barely work out and you eat shitty. Nutrition is like 70-80 percent of losing weight and most people don't realize that. And it is so frustrating because you talk about wanting to lose weight and then go out for lunch 3 days a week. Or you have a salad with a fuck tonne of caesar dressing. Like these things are NOT good for you. When you do bring lunch it's the biggest fucking thing I've ever seen. Like you cannot eat a dinner sized portion that would take me 3 meals to eat of spaghetti with meat sauce, eat it all in one sitting and expect that you are going to lose weight.
Portion control is HUGE in terms of losing weight. I literally am the fucking worst because I know when I eat too much. I try to pack half a plate of veggies and about 30 percent protein then some carbs or something. When I don't, I can feel the difference. That's my problem. How do you not feel shitty when you eat that. And how do you not recognize it. Like you can't get a full sized booster juice and a full sized sandwich and expect that not to be too much. Like the smoothie alone is at least 300 calories depending on the type. And don't get me wrong, I never count calories because I think it's silly but COME ON. Like how do you not recognize that.
Also I'm annoyed because I am supposed to go pick some stuff up from J's but he never texted me and now I'm just pissed off for the sake of being pissed off and he's probably equally or more grumpy than I am so I don't even want to see him BUT I'm annoyed he didn't text me on principle coupled with my already irritated mood.
I basically want to be like you know what your biggest problem is? Your attitude. You are always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS talking about negative things happening to you and then guess what, they do. Perhaps you should try to be a little bit more positive and look at the bright side of things.
It's also incredibly frustrating because she is just so needy. Like I get it, you don't have a lot of friends here. But you really aren't doing much to make friends. Take a cooking or fitness class. Get involved in something. Make an effort to meet new people. Go on a weekend trip to Banff with random people. Do SOMETHING. TRY. It's like she came over here assuming everything in her life would be fixed by coming to a new country.
She hates her weight and complains about it SO much it drives me absolutely fucking mental. Like look, you barely work out and you eat shitty. Nutrition is like 70-80 percent of losing weight and most people don't realize that. And it is so frustrating because you talk about wanting to lose weight and then go out for lunch 3 days a week. Or you have a salad with a fuck tonne of caesar dressing. Like these things are NOT good for you. When you do bring lunch it's the biggest fucking thing I've ever seen. Like you cannot eat a dinner sized portion that would take me 3 meals to eat of spaghetti with meat sauce, eat it all in one sitting and expect that you are going to lose weight.
Portion control is HUGE in terms of losing weight. I literally am the fucking worst because I know when I eat too much. I try to pack half a plate of veggies and about 30 percent protein then some carbs or something. When I don't, I can feel the difference. That's my problem. How do you not feel shitty when you eat that. And how do you not recognize it. Like you can't get a full sized booster juice and a full sized sandwich and expect that not to be too much. Like the smoothie alone is at least 300 calories depending on the type. And don't get me wrong, I never count calories because I think it's silly but COME ON. Like how do you not recognize that.
Also I'm annoyed because I am supposed to go pick some stuff up from J's but he never texted me and now I'm just pissed off for the sake of being pissed off and he's probably equally or more grumpy than I am so I don't even want to see him BUT I'm annoyed he didn't text me on principle coupled with my already irritated mood.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)