If you don't put yourself first, nobody else will.

Growing up is funny you know. I think it's so silly how we change and develop. There is so much I value about myself that I never used to. And I make a conscious effort to try and remind myself of my worth. I consciously have to remind myself of all the wonderful things I have to offer. For me, one of the hardest things has been convincing myself that I'm beautiful. I know that I'm a good person with a lot to offer but I've never been the pretty girl. I've never been the girl boys want to date or even sleep with for that matter. I think part of that is my own making. I was always friends with boys rather than boys being interested in me. And that's fine because most of the time I'm really okay being alone. I have lonely days though. Last night was a tough one. That happens sometimes and I get it.
Today I feel better about myself. I recognize that I'm in better shape. I'm working hard to be. I had a shower and just left my hair today and I actually think it looks pretty good. I have to tell myself but, I'm beautiful. I rarely feel beautiful. I know beauty is skin deep whatever all the sayings and inspirational quotes that accompany it. I don't buy all that. It's silly because there are so many people in my life that I deem beautiful and worthy. I spend my time building them up because I want them to believe in their beauty even if it's not societal. I want them to believe in their beauty because I do. I try to build these beautiful women up because I never want them to feel like I do. I never want them to question their beauty or their worth. And I've never really felt that until this last year. I've never believed that other people see me as beautiful.
I remember I always used to tell number twelve that he was attractive. And he would always say but B, you know you are too. And I never really believed him. I never felt good enough for him. I always felt like look at you, you're this incredibly attractive hockey player in amazing shape... why me? I never felt worthy of him. And I loved his heart, I still do. I loved his sense of humour and his kind soul. But he would never proactively build me up. He was never the type to verbalize the way he saw me. And I know that he saw me on a pedestal for a long time and that he did value me in a lot of ways but he never verbalized it. And I needed that validation. I shouldn't but I did. He was never the first to bring it up though if that makes sense. And I was already insecure because of how fit he was. I mean that's why I started working out to begin with. I'm glad I fell in love with it but it was him and his sister that made me start the whole weight lifting thing.
I suppose my point is that it's funny how you start to grow up. You start to view yourself differently. You start to put yourself first and recognize your value. You recognize that if you don't put yourself first, nobody else will.