Grow up.

The people I work with are so ridiculous sometimes. I honestly just laugh so hard. Like they argue about cutlery and doing roll-ups and I just laugh. I honestly think it's so pathetic. I am such a believer in everybody doing some. You know, the old adage, many hands make light work.
So there's these two people B and J (I honestly can't stand J, he's a complete ass). And so they're like doing their roll-ups and a few of us tried to help them an they were like NO. You can't take any of the cutlery to polish. Then they told JS that she couldn't take any of the napkins because they needed the next two loads so that they would have their 200. And I just like laughed and so we polished cutlery and were like see ya. The same thing happened to me last night.
Look, if you want to argue about roll-ups and you're so concerned about doing exactly 100, then you be my guest and stay for another 2 hours to get paid 9$ an hour to roll cutlery. Seeeeee yaaaaaa.

Are you different?

Stolen from S. 

Time to put my trust where it belongs.

When all that you have left is being strong,
you've got to have a little faith to fall back on.

Never give up.

I'm getting ready for work and about 20 minutes ago, I sat down on my bed and just looked around. I looked at the pictures attached to my calendar which I have yet to fill out. And I looked at BB's funeral card thing. And the picture of him on it is incredible. On the back, it has a quote from him that says, "Sometimes it the not about standing out and being successful but about making a difference in the lives of those around you.. I think it is your relationships you have with others that make your life worth something". 

I started tearing up a bit. I miss him. And it's silly you know. You don't talk to someone for so long because you know when you see them again it will be exactly like it always was. And then you can't see them anymore. And you go over it in your head, all the things you would have said and all the effort you would have put in to keep in contact with the people that made a difference in your life. 

And I'm sitting here just thinking about how hard of a year it's been. It's only May. JP told me it was going to get better last night. I want to believe her, I do. But it's like some people always have an uphill battle. It's like I have to keep fighting to prove my strength or something. I have to push through obstacle after obstacle. It would be so nice to live. I'm so tired of surviving. 

I'm grateful for my life and all of the things in it but sometimes it'd just be nice to be able to breathe. It would be nice for things to go my way just once. 

Time takes it all whether we want it to or not.

I was talking to JP last night and I told her all about the letters I gave number twelve and the whole situation. And she doesn't understand, she never has. She didn't know us when we were dating and she doesn't really know him well. But the only time she saw us together she said, "it's so obvious you care about each other. You can just see the love you feel for one another in the way you interact." Which led to yesterday, she once again just didn't understand how we can be so perfect together and not be together. 

It got me to thinking and we kind of talked about it. Receiving the box of letters he received, I wouldn't know how to respond either. I would be overwhelmed. I would probably be speechless. What do you say to 3 years worth of letters about love and hurt and pain and happiness? 

I wouldn't trade any of my experiences with him because they have made me who I am. He is the boy I'm going to marry. He always has been. And it's funny because I specifically remember about a year ad a half after we broke up, my mom looked at me and said in your heart of hearts, is he the one? And I could honestly say yes. He's the one. The only one. 

I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.

I Out of the night that covers me

Black as the pit from pole to pole 

I thank whatever gods may be 

For my unconquerable soul. 

In fell the clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud

Under the bludgeonings of change 

My head is bloody but unbound 

 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade 

And yet the menace of the years 

Finds and shall find me unafraid 

It matters not how strait the gate 

How charged with punishments the scroll

I am the master of my fate 

I am the captain of my soul. 

-William Ernest Henley 

I had a dream about number twelve last night.

and when you're home all alone at night, you still wonder why you took everything I had, oh baby. I haven't thought about you and I. There's no you and I.

How delicious does my breakfast look!

And we tried 99 times and it didn't work. But the 100th did.

She told me tonight, after she told him to get out this morning, that something is telling her not to give up on him just yet. I want to tell her she's better off without him and he's not what she needs but that would be the most hypocritical thing in the world. At the end of the day, I still have some inkling in the pit of my stomach accompanied by a piercing ach in my heart that tells me not to give up on number twelve. 

So how do I tell her she should let go, she shouldn't give her another chance. 

Mad Men.

I wish I lived in the time of Mad Men. I love the men in suit and women in dresses with beautiful hair. I also love how high class like drinking and smoking at work it's just so attractive. Smoking is actually so gross but they just make it look so attractive.
I also love the idea of a New York City lifestyle at the time. I would have loved to live through it.
Now I have a new tv addiction.

Baby what about the ending?

It's pathetic and naive and silly, I know, but if I'm honest with what I want most in my life, I want the fairy tale. I want a grand gesture of the man I love declaring his love for me after all of our adversity. I want him to tell me he loves me and I'm worth everything we have fought through. I want him to tell me it doesn't matter how hard life gets because we can always overcome t together, we always have, we always will. Always and forever. I  want a happy ending. 

Never give up.

You reach deeper, until you can find the strength. That's all life is, one big fight after another. You fight and you keep fighting until you can't fight anymore. And when you can't, we'll be there to lift you up and carry you. 

The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart.

He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do.

Courage in adversity.

I think I want to get fortitude tattooed on my right shoulder blade. I fear the spot because it will not be coverable on my wedding day. At the same time, it's not somewhere you will see in most photographs and it could be pretty well worked around without too much trouble for that. I just love the concept and like the spot. This morning LG asked me where to get her tattoo and she wants excelsior and I said there and it got me to thinking I want mine there.

No words.

It breaks my heart that he never responded. He never said anything. I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been bothering me. I supposed I just expected some sort of response, something, anything.
I have not received one. It's been 12 days. He said thank you for his birthday wishes, that's all.
I suppose I don't understand because I know that he loves me. I cannot explain that in any other way than I just know that he does. And I am grateful for the love we have for one another.
At the end of the day, I cannot forget that love, alone is never enough. It simply is not enough. I would be naive to believe that love solves everything. We all want to believe that, I think. But it's a fallacy. Love can only bind souls. It cannot make relationships work, or build marriages or lives together. It binds souls.
I suppose the hardest part of my life is that even now, after everything, I still genuinely believe that is the boy I'm going to marry. I don't need someone to explain the naivety of the idea. I cannot explain my belief in him. My belief in us.

12.

There are 6 billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one.