Saturday, February 16, 2013
fearless.
If you're out there, if you're somewhere, if you're moving on, I've been waiting for you, worried since you've been gone.
if this was a movie you'd be here by now.
Number twelve couldn't even look at me. It didn't help that he was there. I mean don't get me wrong, I love seeing him but that was really hard. At first I was really thrown off by it but today LG reminded me that he was already upset and that he was trying to be strong (he was the only one who didn't break down while we were there) and looking at me would have been too hard. If he made eye contact, he would have seen how I felt and that would be heartbreaking too. He followed me for communion and he stood 3 feet away from me and we never spoke or made eye contact in two and a half hours. That was difficult.
I have a confession. I stopped at his house today in Calgary. I drove there, stopped, got out and knocked on the door. My heart was racing just pounding, I thought it was going to jump out of my chest and I thought I was going to throw up. He didn't answer, I got in my vehicle and drove around the block. I stopped, got out again and rang the doorbell. He didn't answer.
I have a confession. I stopped at his house today in Calgary. I drove there, stopped, got out and knocked on the door. My heart was racing just pounding, I thought it was going to jump out of my chest and I thought I was going to throw up. He didn't answer, I got in my vehicle and drove around the block. I stopped, got out again and rang the doorbell. He didn't answer.
Hard day. We love you buddy.
What a week. Yesterday was the hardest day I have had in a very long time. As I pulled up, 45 minutes before the funeral started, it was packed. There was a line a mile long outside the church. I saw JE, CE's mom and CS who is ME's ex-girlfriend. She gave me a hug and was crying and spoke to me and I started crying because watching her and being around her was hell. KW was like her other son, I mean AE and KW were inseparable.
We were standing inside the church waiting for the boys, and she mentioned that there was five. I was confused, who are the five because JB was already with us. I figured ME and CE and JB maybe, and GU was there and of course, number twelve. When he walked in, I froze. My stomach dropped and my heart stopped, my knees began to shake. CS and ME have been broken up for about a year, but she loves him still and I think he still has feelings for her he just likes being 19 and single, which I understand.
The hardest part of the funeral was at the end, when KW's uncles got up and spoke about him and then his real dad. His read dad stands up and says, "I was K's father, but D was his dad" D dropped and started bawling, it was horrible. His dad continued to discuss that he broke K's mom's heart and he wasn't man enough to stay around and talked about how lucky K was to have N as a mom and D as a dad. He discussed how good of a man K was, how his smile lighted up the room and he made everyone feel comfortable, and happy and laugh. He also said that K was more of a man at 17 than he'd ever be.
Another part that was really hard was during the tribute, there was a photo of all the boys from ME's grad about two years ago. All the boys had lost it at that point, CE hadn't cried until that moment. And it was heartbreaking.
Afterwards it was insane we went outside and I gave all the boys a hug. When I saw AE he honestly hugged me so tight and I wish I could have held that poor kid for hours. ME gave me a hug and it was terribly hard for him too. CE gave me a hug and he was grateful that I came. KE came and he hugged JE which was mind-blowing and then he hugged me and I was speechless.
We were standing inside the church waiting for the boys, and she mentioned that there was five. I was confused, who are the five because JB was already with us. I figured ME and CE and JB maybe, and GU was there and of course, number twelve. When he walked in, I froze. My stomach dropped and my heart stopped, my knees began to shake. CS and ME have been broken up for about a year, but she loves him still and I think he still has feelings for her he just likes being 19 and single, which I understand.
The hardest part of the funeral was at the end, when KW's uncles got up and spoke about him and then his real dad. His read dad stands up and says, "I was K's father, but D was his dad" D dropped and started bawling, it was horrible. His dad continued to discuss that he broke K's mom's heart and he wasn't man enough to stay around and talked about how lucky K was to have N as a mom and D as a dad. He discussed how good of a man K was, how his smile lighted up the room and he made everyone feel comfortable, and happy and laugh. He also said that K was more of a man at 17 than he'd ever be.
Another part that was really hard was during the tribute, there was a photo of all the boys from ME's grad about two years ago. All the boys had lost it at that point, CE hadn't cried until that moment. And it was heartbreaking.
Afterwards it was insane we went outside and I gave all the boys a hug. When I saw AE he honestly hugged me so tight and I wish I could have held that poor kid for hours. ME gave me a hug and it was terribly hard for him too. CE gave me a hug and he was grateful that I came. KE came and he hugged JE which was mind-blowing and then he hugged me and I was speechless.
One day, somehow, impossibly, it won't hurt this much.
When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Rest in peace kiddo.
That's probably the hardest funeral I've ever been too. I'm too tired to explain tonight. Kids are supposed to live longer.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Read this today.
My Best Friend's Departure
I jumped, you caught me.
I laughed, you joked.
I was down, you picked me up.
I crumbled, you glued me back together.
I loved you, you loved me back.
You jumped, I couldn't catch you.
You forgot to laugh, I couldn't remind you.
You were down, I couldn't hold you.
You crumbled, I had no glue.
You loved me, I still love you.
Without no warning or sign,
You ventured to a world divine.
I refused to say goodbye,
Yet tonight I cry.
My tears are for you my friend,
But our legacy will not end.
For I shall see you soon,
But first I have living to do.
I promise I won't forget,
Your face is embedded in my heart.
-Anonymous
I jumped, you caught me.
I laughed, you joked.
I was down, you picked me up.
I crumbled, you glued me back together.
I loved you, you loved me back.
You jumped, I couldn't catch you.
You forgot to laugh, I couldn't remind you.
You were down, I couldn't hold you.
You crumbled, I had no glue.
You loved me, I still love you.
Without no warning or sign,
You ventured to a world divine.
I refused to say goodbye,
Yet tonight I cry.
My tears are for you my friend,
But our legacy will not end.
For I shall see you soon,
But first I have living to do.
I promise I won't forget,
Your face is embedded in my heart.
-Anonymous
are we just holding on to things that we don't have anymore.
sometimes time doesn't heal, no not at all.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
authenticity.
I have an Current Events article analysis due on Thursday that I did tonight. Guess what I wrote about? Suicide. I found an article and I just felt like it's the only thing that I can be authentic about right now. The only thing I can write powerfully about. I have t find an article about a social context issue that I will be faced with as a teacher. I couldn't think of anything better to write about. I mean I never even thought about the fact that a student of mine might commit suicide. How will I even deal with that let alone be strong for all the students in my class?
Charisma
I'm seriously so pathetic. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face as Obama speaks. What a brilliant speaker.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Mental Illness is so scary.
Being sad is exhausting. I think I'm starting to understand depression. My entire body hurts. I literally just cried today out of nowhere. I am just drained that moving hurts and my brain is tired but somehow I don't think I will sleep. I don't like being sad. I want to be happy and live life.
Tomorrow is a new day, a big day. Tomorrow I have my practicum orientation for my next practicum. I have to be there by 7:30am. I'm not going to be nervous. I'm excited, well a little nervous. Mostly because it's three hour classes. I go to two different schools too. It's going to be a busy 6 weeks, I'm so glad they have a week off in between.
Tomorrow I am going to seize the day. Tomorrow I am going to wake up and not be sad. I'm going to be grateful for all that I have. Love everyone that matters to me. And I'm going to learn from KW. I am going to learn that life is too short and there are too many terrible things in this world to let them get to you. I want to live. I want to love.
Tomorrow is a new day, a big day. Tomorrow I have my practicum orientation for my next practicum. I have to be there by 7:30am. I'm not going to be nervous. I'm excited, well a little nervous. Mostly because it's three hour classes. I go to two different schools too. It's going to be a busy 6 weeks, I'm so glad they have a week off in between.
Tomorrow I am going to seize the day. Tomorrow I am going to wake up and not be sad. I'm going to be grateful for all that I have. Love everyone that matters to me. And I'm going to learn from KW. I am going to learn that life is too short and there are too many terrible things in this world to let them get to you. I want to live. I want to love.
Nothing to say.
He hung himself. I can't possibly imagine. His family found him. Can you imagine walking into your house and finding your son, your brother who has hung himself to end his life? I can't even imagine. I'm sick to my stomach. I am physically ill.
It's not supposed to happen like this. It's not supposed to end this way. It's supposed to get better. I'm just speechless. I've barely eaten today. I am just so confused. And now because it was in his home, they have to do a full investigation. Just in case the family isn't in enough pain, in case walking into that room everyday isn't hard enough, they're going to investigate to make sure it really was suicide. There are no words.
It's not supposed to happen like this. It's not supposed to end this way. It's supposed to get better. I'm just speechless. I've barely eaten today. I am just so confused. And now because it was in his home, they have to do a full investigation. Just in case the family isn't in enough pain, in case walking into that room everyday isn't hard enough, they're going to investigate to make sure it really was suicide. There are no words.
You call me up again just to break me like a promise.
You know, what makes it even harder is that I was the one that told number twelve. Me. I haven't really had a real conversation with him in 6 months and I had to tell him that the kid who was practically his little brother killed himself. He doesn't have facebook and nobody told him.
He had no idea. He was surprised. I called him and my heart shattered when I heart his voice. The knife that was already inside of me twisted, repeatedly. But damn do I miss that voice.
Afterwards, we texted for a bit and what kills me the most is that while I'm trying to be supportive for him and the E family, he tells me he's here for me too. I didn't know what to say. When I'm supposed to be strong for him, he's being strong for me, like usual. He knows that this would hit me hard and I just don't know how to deal with this. I'd give anything to have stopped yesterday in Calgary. And you know, it's so ironic because I was going to. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted to so badly. And now, I wish I had. I was trying so hard to be strong, to step forward. But I'm not stepping forward, I am crawling forward on my hands and knees barely moving at all.
He had no idea. He was surprised. I called him and my heart shattered when I heart his voice. The knife that was already inside of me twisted, repeatedly. But damn do I miss that voice.
Afterwards, we texted for a bit and what kills me the most is that while I'm trying to be supportive for him and the E family, he tells me he's here for me too. I didn't know what to say. When I'm supposed to be strong for him, he's being strong for me, like usual. He knows that this would hit me hard and I just don't know how to deal with this. I'd give anything to have stopped yesterday in Calgary. And you know, it's so ironic because I was going to. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted to so badly. And now, I wish I had. I was trying so hard to be strong, to step forward. But I'm not stepping forward, I am crawling forward on my hands and knees barely moving at all.
Selfishness.
I guess what I don't understand is why did I survive and he didn't. It just doesn't make sense.
Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I'm seriously just speechless. Like KW used to always be at the E household with us. He was AE's best friend. They were just the younger version of CE and number twelve. I'm just seriously mind blown. And you know, it's amazing because you would never suspect him which is what kills me the most. He was the happiest kid you'd ever imagine.
CE is having a rough day but trying to be strong. AE is probably a disaster but I told him I love him and I'm here and that's all I can do. I mean, if my best friend killed herself, I don't honestly know what I'd do.
It was good TK was here when I found out because I had tears streaming down my face. I am winded. I feel like someone stabbed me. This hits so close to home for me because I was suicidal in high school. And I am so lucky and grateful that I was unsuccessful and that I'm still alive. It gets better. I want to shout in every junior and high school that IT GETS BETTER. I promise. Even on the worst days, and there is going to be some terrible ones, it gets better.
I think that's a huge part of why I am in school for education. And why I want my Masters and PhD. I want to be able to tell kids it gets better. To reach out to them and show them how much better it gets. It's only high school. It's 900 days, out of 1000s. 900 hundred days.
It's not fair and it doesn't make anybody feel better right now. But I just want students to know that it gets better. These are our children, they need to understand. We, the children, the students, we need to be loved. We need to know that there's a reason behind all of this. We need to know that we can take back the terrible things we say or do, the mistakes we make, we can move forward, we can forgive. We have the power to do better, the power to be better. I have the power to be better.
CE is having a rough day but trying to be strong. AE is probably a disaster but I told him I love him and I'm here and that's all I can do. I mean, if my best friend killed herself, I don't honestly know what I'd do.
It was good TK was here when I found out because I had tears streaming down my face. I am winded. I feel like someone stabbed me. This hits so close to home for me because I was suicidal in high school. And I am so lucky and grateful that I was unsuccessful and that I'm still alive. It gets better. I want to shout in every junior and high school that IT GETS BETTER. I promise. Even on the worst days, and there is going to be some terrible ones, it gets better.
I think that's a huge part of why I am in school for education. And why I want my Masters and PhD. I want to be able to tell kids it gets better. To reach out to them and show them how much better it gets. It's only high school. It's 900 days, out of 1000s. 900 hundred days.
It's not fair and it doesn't make anybody feel better right now. But I just want students to know that it gets better. These are our children, they need to understand. We, the children, the students, we need to be loved. We need to know that there's a reason behind all of this. We need to know that we can take back the terrible things we say or do, the mistakes we make, we can move forward, we can forgive. We have the power to do better, the power to be better. I have the power to be better.
I know that he’d have wanted it to matter, and that’s the most
important part. He mattered. He matters.
This is a lesson for all of us: to love more, help more, laugh more, cry more,
live more.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
so beautiful.
I just went for breakfast for HJR. I honestly love that girl. I wish we lived in the same city. Living 6 hours away from her is terrible because she is the kind of person that makes you home no matter where you are. She is the type of person that makes the loneliest of lonely feel like they are never alone.
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