Since I can't text you.

I miss you.

We're okay.

It's stupid. It's so stupid that something as simple as, "Fuck Ozil!" Let's me know that we're okay. But I'm so happy that I can just be less concerned about it. I know I was over-stressed about it but it's sooo nice to know it's okay.

I hope one day you learn to love.

Your lack of love speaks more of you than of me 

In the most significant way possible.

This is a warning.

"This is morning, it's when I spend the most time thinking 'bout what I've given up. "

- Jack's Mannequin

ugh.

Some people post WAY too much on Facebook. I really hate attention seeking behaviour. In fact, I despise it. I think it is so frustrating because for the most part, I try to sit back and observe. Absolutely I have thoughts and when I'm with the right people I have things to say. I've never been the type of person that tries to be the centre of attention though. I have always sat in the background, observed, and thought deeply.
I find it social media so frustrating that way in that it's like PAY ATTENTION TO ME! FEEL SORRY FOR ME! LOOK WHAT I'M DOING!
I mean how often do we just live, exist and experience anymore. It's like we always have to tell people what we are doing. We are so over-connected with people we barely know and unconnected to the people right beside us.
It's ironic that I write this on a blog instead of tell someone how I feel. I'm here alone thinking about how frustrating I find it though, not sitting beside someone I should be interacting with.

Maybe it still is. Maybe we should think like that.

When you're six years old, it's black and white. It's kind or it's unkind. It's loving or it's not. And that determines whether it's right or it's wrong, there's no grey area.

What children say.

"The compelling draw of what children say. With their innocent yet profound perceptions, they shake your soul while you delight in their raw, unconditioned intelligence. They teach us how to see again especially with all the layers, the filters, the walls we have built around us. Children are pure and uncorrupt, are more curious, more playful, more open, more loving. And this is something we've always had inside of us, and it can be found again. It was never lost. We just have to unlearn what has disrupted this playful flow and let God out, and let it speak. It is our center, the silence, the light. "


- http://universoul.tumblr.com/

This excerpt is exactly why grade one has been the best thing in the world for me. It's exactly what I needed: unconditional love. It is the reason that each day I survive a room full of 6 and 7 year olds. They are so kind, so pure, so loving. They are naive but thoughtful. They are curious and intuitive and absolutely brilliant. They dream so big, it's beautiful. They inspire me.

You're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone.

"It seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty is the face in the mirror looking back you. You walk around here thinking you're not pretty, but that's not true. "

Wise words Dr. Sheppard.

"I think I am falling  in love with him and I'm really afraid that it's going to destroy me."
"It wouldn't be love if it didn't".

Shuddering.

Heart, head or absolute chance?

I started thinking about serving somewhere else. I am struggling because I don't know if it's in my best or worst interest to continue to work for J. My problem with going somewhere else is that I won't get where I am anytime soon because I can't dedicate myself until July like I did last year for the boys. It would take months and I just don't know if I want to do that all over. I was working like 50-60 hour weeks.
I like picking my shifts and I like not closing. I like knowing manager codes (most of the time) and I like that the boys trust and respect me and especially that they value me.
The problem is J. Or the solution. He's an imperative part of who I am at this point, especially in the last year. He's changed me immensely and I know he had no idea the extent to which he has altered the course of my life. I recognize he's only altered it because I let him.
I think the thing is, I've reached a point in my life where I realize I can survive without him. I'll be fine just the same as I would be without anyone else. I don't really believe in the notion that "I cannot survive without ~him~"  or any other person for that matter. I used to believe that about sunshine, and then about number twelve. The truth is, I will survive without anyone, no matter how much I value that person and their contribution to my life.
I suppose, the question now is, do I want to live without him?

Absolute petrification.

Rant.

People who complain about their body image without doing anything about it reaaaaallllyyyy piss me off. It actually drives me crazy. It drives me nuts because there are so many people that cannot lose weight no matter what they do. And when people complain about every time they work out and it's too hard or I'm hurt or I'm sore like that means it's working. That means you are doing things to take your body to the next level.
Today this is the exact thing that was said to me, "I feel like every time I try to get in shape or lose weight, I get hurt".
My response was, "have you tried swimming or something that is less stress on your body?"
"Yeah, well I don't have a swim pass".
Inside my head I was like then GET ONE!!!!
When I got home, the same person sent me a picture of themselves holding a bag of mini eggs.
Look, I really could care less what size you are. I think it's important to take care of your health and I truly believe that nutrition and fitness are important but at the end of the day, we all make our own choices. If that's the case, just don't complain about it.
There are so many people who would kill to be able to exercise like that because they are physically inept. Or they have allergies that affect what they can and cannot eat. Or that have genetics or illnesses that affect their ability to lose weight.
I find it extra frustrating because like who doesn't want to eat a bag of mini eggs? I certainly do. I struggle so much with my self-image and it is a constant struggle for me. I am well aware that I'm not a huge person but I'm not satisfied with my size most days. I am conscious of what I eat and the portions I eat and I work out at least 4, if not 5 or 6 times a week. So please don't make backhanded comments about me being smaller than you or I could use the calories or I'll be just fine without that workout I am trying to motivationally self-talk myself into.
All of those things are why I am the size I am. So please if you want to be healthier, BE HEALTHIER. Take the steps, ask for help. It's a challenge but it's life.

Every child needs a champion. What a phrase.

"I can't kick it out of my mind that every child needs a champion, every quitter needs a coach, every failure needs a fresh start. Even as my frustration hits its wall, as my energy runs on fumes, as the easy option to give up calls me to play – even then I cannot quit. Quitting is not my job. My job is to try to influence every mind that enters my room. Every day. Every student. Every second. And, when I am not trying to my fullest extent I know it – and it is only I who must answer to my own lack of integrity."
-Chase Mielke

Maybe I'm in love with who I want him to be.

I can't quite decide if I'm in love with him or if I'm in love with the idea of him.

The explanation I've never been able to verbalize.

Emotional basket case.

Tonight is going to be one of those nights, I can feel it. I'm just sitting here in tears and I don't really know why.