you don't really wanna stay, but you don't really wanna go.

you're hot then you're cold,
you're yes then you're no.
you're in then you're out,
you're up then you're down.

xoxo.

wish me luck. xoxo

you're the one that changed me.

you'll see it'll be
you and me always,
always.

life throws you curves, you learn to swerve.

i'm hurt. and i'm upset. and a part of me is afraid that we'll fall back into it. but i don't want to. i'm better than that. i deserve a real relationship. and i'm really not sure how to feel about the whole situation. i mean yeah, i miss him and it hasn't even been 24 hours. but at the same time, i know i need this space. i know that i have to move on. if he isn't ready for this then i guess we just have to take some time to figure out what's best for us. and right now, i can't be his best friend. i'll always be a part of his life but for now i just have to try to move on. the hardest part of that is that i don't want to move on. i want to be with him. but he's not ready and i respect that. he knows how incredible it is and how different it is and that we may very well end up together. but right now and for the last six months, he's had me at his beck and call. and i get my hopes up and i think that maybe, just maybe he believes me. he trusts me. he can let it go. only to have him shatter my heart. and i love him, i really do. and those are big words for me. i love him. right now, what he needs most is to realize how much he loves me back. how much he needs me. how much he wants me. so for now, i have to let him realize how much he misses me when i'm not around. and i have to try and be the best version of me that i can.
i have to trust that our love is strong, that it can conquer this.
so i love you number twelve.

broken hearts and broken dreams.

i do not feel good right now. my stomach is in excruciating pain. if i'm honest, everything hurts. my head hurts, my neck, my brain, my arm has shooting pains. yeah i'm a mess, i know. i'm super stressed out. i'm exhausted, emotionally, physically, mentally. my heart hurts the most. i just want it all to stop.

they say i need to get on with my life, they don't realize.

cause when you're talking out loud and no one's there
you look like hell and you just don't care
drinking more than you ever drank
sinking down lower than you ever sank
when you find yourself falling fown upon your knees
praying to God, beggin him please;
that's when he's more than a memory.

people say he's only in my head, it's gonna take time but i'll forget.

when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone,
driving cross town just to see if he's home.
waking a friend in the dead of night,
just to hear them say 'it's gonna be alright'.
when you find the things to do not to fall a sleep,
'cause you know he'll be there in your dreams;
that's when he's more than a memory.

i do this so, this world will know that it will not change me.

as long as one heart still holds on, hope is never really gone.

when i get where i'm going.

it's been exactly five years since my grandfather died. i remember it like it was yesterday. i remember spending a month missing school like 3 or 4 days a week to go see him in the hospital in edmonton. i loved him so much. we would do puzzles together and watch the hockey games on mute. and sit in his office and pretend we were big, wonderful accountants like him. we'd play board game after board game. he'd take me to the park. he really loved me, and i really loved him. i guess i just have to believe he's in a better place now.
i love you and miss you poppa, every day.

i've missed you every minute since you left.

when i get where i'm going on the far side of the sky. the first thing that i'm gonna do is spread my wings and fly. i'm gonna land beside a lion, run my fingers through his mane where i might find out what it's like to ride a drop of rain.
yeah, when i get where i'm going there'll be only happy tears. i will shed the sins and struggles i have carried all these years. and i'll leave my heart wide open, i will love and have no fear. yeah, when i get where i'm going, don't cry for me down here.
i'm gonna walk with my grandaddy and he'll match me step for step. i'll tell him how i've missed him every minute since he left and then i'll hug his neck.
yeah, when i get where i'm going there'll be only happy tears. i will shed the sins and struggles i have carried all these years. and i'll leave my heart wide open, i will love and have no fear. yeah, when i get where i'm going, don't cry for me down here.
so much pain, so much darkness in this world we stumble through. all these questions i can't answer, there's so much work to do. but when i get where i'm going and i see my Maker's face, i'll stand forever in the light of his amazing grace. yeah when i get where i'm going. yeah when i get where i'm going, there'll be only happy tears.
hallelujah.
i will love and have no fear.
when i get where i'm going, yeah, when i get where i'm going.

you mean well but you make this hard on me.

i learned the hard way. that they all say the things you wanna hear. my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and your twisted words. your help just hurts. you are not what i thought you were. hello to high and dry. convince me to please you, make me think that i need this too. i'm trying to let you hear me as i am.

he was a good man.

i've heard tales those streets are paved in gold, they're
full of pot holes and empty souls who never learned,
love is something you gotta earn.

princess sarah, never grow up.

to you, everything's funny. you've got nothing to regret.
i'd give all i have honey, if you could stay like that.

i'd give all i have honey, if you could stay like that.

wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
always a bigger bed to crawl into.
wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?
and everybody believed in you.

hearts stop beating.

It's 1:37 right now. I just wrote two pieces that will likely be published in a year or two. I got the book back finally, the published one. It's got about 20 ish pieces of my prose in it. I forgot how relaxing writing the truth can be. Not for a blog, but for someone who knows you. For someone who knows me and my writing and believes in it.

this is what 'i don't love you' feels like.

a few years ago i thought that i was in love with a boy. i was absolutely crazy about him. i did everything he ask, everything i thought he'd want, i tried to be be everything that i thought he wanted. i gave up pieces of myself for him. i gave up who i was like i was nothing, like who i was, who i am wasn't good enough. i loved him, so i was willing to give up everything.
i've learned a lot since then. i learned that my relationship with him was toxic. and that you don't have to give up who you are for anyone, no one is worth that, no matter how much you think you love them, nothing is worth giving up who you are. it took me three years to realize how much i'd given up. but when i did, i realized that it was the best thing for me, that i wasn't such bad company, and that i had better, other people in my life that were worth my time and energy, people that deserved to know me. it took me a long time to let him go but when i did, i moved on. and i realized that that wasn't love, how i felt for him wasn't true love. i cared about him and i always will but i really don't think that was love.
love is unconditional. when you love someone, you love all of them. flaws and all. and when life gets hard, when your relationship gets hard, it's hard together. true love isn't a fairy tale that knows no pain. it's two souls facing it together and diminishing it with unconditional love. you don't get to choose who you love. you just fall in love with them. and if you're lucky, the luckiest person in the world, that person loves you back. but it has to be unconditional. you don't get to change your mind or take back your love. you just have to trust that your love, our love, can conquer anything. and that belief is what moves it into reality.
i thought i was in love with a boy a few years back. turns out that back then i knew absolutely nothing about love. i thought i'd dealt with a broken heart before but this is different. sure i still think about the boy i thought i loved a few years back. i wonder how he's doing and i hope that life is treating him well. but i moved on and i could get past it. and moving on let me really fall in love with a boy. a boy that loved me more than most people know in a lifetime. and i know it was real because of it's ability to destroy me and moments later feel on top of the world. to know that when someone looks at you, they love what they see. the things that you dislike most about yourself are the things they love the most about you, because they make you you. and when that person is gone, when that person threatens to leave, you feel like your entire world is crashing down around you. that nothing else matters except for that one person.
there are six billion people in the world, six billion souls and you only need that one. that's how i feel. the thought of not being with him winds me. i can't get through a day without tears. i can't sleep, or eat, or concentrate. or really do anything because the mere thought of losing him destroys every piece of me. the concept that we aren't going to end up together, that we aren't gonna get past this, it makes me speechless. i can't explain how awful of a feeling it is. to know that i love one person so much and i couldn't see it when it was right in front of me. to know that i let fear crawl into the back of my mind and destroy it. to know that i let fear destroy that feeling in the pit of my stomach. to know that i might never be with him again makes me physically sick. i feel like nothing else matters, like nothing ever will.
they say if you love something, let it free. if it comes back to you, it's yours forever. if it doesn't, it never was. right now it feels like nothing else matters, like i'm never gonna be okay. but if you need me to let you go then i will. because i truly love you with everything that i have. i just really hope you find the courage to come back to me someday.

won't take nothing but a memory.

i thought if i could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. out here it's like i'm someone else, i thought that maybe i could find myself.

just gonna stand here and watch me burn.

you ever loved somebody so much you can barely breathe when you're with 'em. you meet and neither one of you know what hit 'em.

i can't tell you what it really is, i can only tell you what it feels like.

maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano.
all i know is i love you too much to walk away though.

it ain't exactly what i had in mind, for goodbye.

some are coming home, some are leaving town
while my world's crashing down.

nothing to say, don't even try.

so this is how it ends.
this is where it all goes down.
this is what 'i don't love you' feels like.

grow the heck up.

i am so incredibly tired of stupid douchebag boys being immature. please grow up soon and stop creating drama like you're an eight grade girl. thanks.

cinderella

no matter how your heart is grieving,
if you keep on believing,
the dreams that you wish will come true.

not so rare if you ask me.

according to cosmo, 1 in 100 people are asexual. it's a rare condition, but it happens.
excuse me cosmo but 1 in 100 people is not a very rare amount. that's a very significant amount if you ask me. that's like 800 people in rd alone.

victoria's secret fashion show.

you already are what you are.
and what you are is beautiful.

i wish my heart bent more and broke less.

blessed are the hearts that bend for they will never be broken.

bend till you break.

everybody has a breaking point.
i think i've reached mine.

it's always about love.

"all our young lives we search for someone to love. someone who makes us complete. we choose partners and change partners. we dance to a song of heartbreak and hope... all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect... who might be searching for us."
- The Wonder Years

procrastination.

this year i have been doing so much better to not procrastinate however, this time. it got me. i have been putting off this paper/assignment/whatever you call it because anytime i sit down to do it i just cannot focus. i suppose i should have expected this, the doctors told me it would happen. that i would lose concentration and be in constant pain and my head would likely be in agony. they told me that my limbs will occasionally go numb and that i shouldn't be surprised if i have shooting pains in my arms or that i may become too weak to lift my arms. anyways mostly today i haven't been able to concentrate because of number 12 and what happened last night. i really thought we were over this time and now i don't know what to think... i suppose i'm just waiting for him to break my heart again. anyways i have 1000 words left to write before 9am. wish me luck.

hearts are put together as fast as they break.

s, love the thing about love and heart break.
so true. i'll probably put it on here tomorrow but right now i don't have time to type it out.

you have pointed out my flaws again as if i don't already see them.

i bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold,
but the cycle ends right now
'cause you can't lead me down this road
and you don't know what you don't know.

nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
every little bump in the road i tried to swerve
people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out.
nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

it's killing me to see you go after all this time.

it's two a.m.,
feeling like i just lost a friend
i hope you know it's not easy,
easy for me.
it's two a.m. feeling like 
i just lost a friend
i hope you know
it's not easy, easy for me.

but i have to.

and we know it's

never s i m p l e, never e a s y

never a clean break,

no one here to save me.

you're the only thing i know

like the back of my hand.

i can't breathe without you.

music starts playing like the end of a sad movie,
it's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see.
'cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down,
now i don't know what to be without you around.

virgo: november 27, 2010

"you may now be accepting someone's bad behaviour simply becahse you always tolerated it in the past. there is a precedent you have become used to, even though it really shouldn't be acceptable now. back then you were more naive, and you didn't know how to look at this from a mature perspective. now you do. don't allow someone to treat you in a way that you know in your heart is neither appropriate or fair. stand up for yourself, and let it be known that the rules have changed."

"and you wonder why we're not close anymore"

i'm so tired of immature drama. if you really want to talk about why we're not close anymore you should maybe check the mirror on that one. yes, i moved away and we stopped being as close and i'll admit that that part was just as much my fault as yours, however you were given an ultimatum by another 'friend' and you chose her. for me, it didn't have to be either or but it was. and i told you that you could do whatever it was that you needed to do but when it came down to it, you knew it was gonna be me that was there for you. and i told you that she would screw you over again. and she did. and now you're mad because i didn't text you and tell you i was assaulted and that that's why were not close. maybe if we were so close like you say, you'd have known something was wrong and i wouldn't have had to go about it this way.