Saturday, February 2, 2013
Just keep swimming.
You know, it's funny. I sometimes feel so far removed from the person I used to be. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, it's just different. I just looked at some old pictures. I thought about the person that I used to be.
I am not the same person at all. I don't have the same friends, and I don't really want to. At this point in my life, the only friend that has really consistently been a significant part of my life is LG. I am not close with anyone else. ME is one of my best friends, but that only goes back since grade 12. HJR is a good friend but we're nowhere near as close as we used to be; physical distance more than emotional/intellectual distance is the biggest factor here.
It's weird. I think back to grade twelve. I honestly thought that sunshine and sofaking and TC and NB and CE would all still be majorly involved in my life at this point, but they aren't. I will always maintain a love for all of them, but it's not the same. I think about Sunshine and pray that he finds the most incredible happiness in life. I think about Sofaking and I really hope he comes to terms with some of his mistakes and one day realizes the consequences of some of his actions but I still want him to find happiness. TC breaks my heart. Every single time I think about him, my heart hurts a little bit because he was supposed to be my best friend forever. I mean he told his girlfriend that he was still going to say 'I love you' to me and she needed to get used to it. I understand what happened to him, I do. And he got what he always wanted: to be like sofaking and sunshine. He chose them over me and they're boys so I get that, but it doesn't make it any easier to think about the fact that I spent nearly every day of grade 12 with him.
CE hurts too. We aren't not friends like the other boys. It's just hard. He's had a hell of a year and I don't blame him for pulling away. It's hard too because his loyalties lie with number twelve and I respect that.
NB leaves me speechless. I don't even know where to start with her. I think we are just different. All of her dreams are coming true and I'm so incredibly happy that she is finally getting everything she's wanted for as long as I can remember even if I'm not a part of it. My dreams are so far from coming true that I don't think it was a possibility for us to remain close. Hers were within reach and mine aren't even visible.
It's weird though, you know, because my dreams are over hills and mountains and valleys, across seas and land and the sky. I know that my dreams are far away. But somehow, I feel like I'm in exactly the right place. One day, they'll come true (I hope). For now, I have to just keep swimming.
I am not the same person at all. I don't have the same friends, and I don't really want to. At this point in my life, the only friend that has really consistently been a significant part of my life is LG. I am not close with anyone else. ME is one of my best friends, but that only goes back since grade 12. HJR is a good friend but we're nowhere near as close as we used to be; physical distance more than emotional/intellectual distance is the biggest factor here.
It's weird. I think back to grade twelve. I honestly thought that sunshine and sofaking and TC and NB and CE would all still be majorly involved in my life at this point, but they aren't. I will always maintain a love for all of them, but it's not the same. I think about Sunshine and pray that he finds the most incredible happiness in life. I think about Sofaking and I really hope he comes to terms with some of his mistakes and one day realizes the consequences of some of his actions but I still want him to find happiness. TC breaks my heart. Every single time I think about him, my heart hurts a little bit because he was supposed to be my best friend forever. I mean he told his girlfriend that he was still going to say 'I love you' to me and she needed to get used to it. I understand what happened to him, I do. And he got what he always wanted: to be like sofaking and sunshine. He chose them over me and they're boys so I get that, but it doesn't make it any easier to think about the fact that I spent nearly every day of grade 12 with him.
CE hurts too. We aren't not friends like the other boys. It's just hard. He's had a hell of a year and I don't blame him for pulling away. It's hard too because his loyalties lie with number twelve and I respect that.
NB leaves me speechless. I don't even know where to start with her. I think we are just different. All of her dreams are coming true and I'm so incredibly happy that she is finally getting everything she's wanted for as long as I can remember even if I'm not a part of it. My dreams are so far from coming true that I don't think it was a possibility for us to remain close. Hers were within reach and mine aren't even visible.
It's weird though, you know, because my dreams are over hills and mountains and valleys, across seas and land and the sky. I know that my dreams are far away. But somehow, I feel like I'm in exactly the right place. One day, they'll come true (I hope). For now, I have to just keep swimming.
Love
Tswift's White Horse is playing on Grey's Anatomy. Could this suit my life any better? And combine my top 2 favorite things in life.
you told me but you never really showed me.
I know through all this pain,
somehow, somewhere love remains.
somehow, somewhere love remains.
Looney.
I was thinking about number twelve today. I have been a lot lately. It's funny you know, after so long. This isn't normal, I'm well aware of that.
It's a Saturday night. What do most normal university students who don't work on a Saturday night do? They go out with their friends and party and have fun and don't think about anything other than having a good time. What do I do? I sit in my bed, watching Grey's Anatomy doing homework thinking about how many Saturday nights I spent with my ex-boyfriend doing exactly this. I keep turning my head, looking beside me. It's like I expect him to just be there, reading and doing homework two feet away. It's funny you know, I'm pretty much a crazy person.
It's a Saturday night. What do most normal university students who don't work on a Saturday night do? They go out with their friends and party and have fun and don't think about anything other than having a good time. What do I do? I sit in my bed, watching Grey's Anatomy doing homework thinking about how many Saturday nights I spent with my ex-boyfriend doing exactly this. I keep turning my head, looking beside me. It's like I expect him to just be there, reading and doing homework two feet away. It's funny you know, I'm pretty much a crazy person.
Zen Proverb
"Knowledge is learning something every day.
Wisdom is letting go of something every day."
Wisdom is letting go of something every day."
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I'm a heartless bitch.
It's true that most of the time I am a heartless bitch. It's partly a defence mechanism and partly just who I am. I am not sympathetic to bullshit causes. I don't cry because I had a bad day or a boy doesn't like me.
I am watching Grey's Anatomy and this show actually reaches right down into my soul. I rarely get emotional in movies or tv shows but Grey's gets me every time. I just watched an episode during which a white supremacist who has a swastika tattooed on his stomach wanted a different doctor than a black doctor. So they send him an asian Jew. I cannot imagine being professional dealing with someone like that. So close-minded. Absolutely atrocious that there are still people in this world that think that way.
What I like about this show is that it's realistic. It's not all happy endings. They show real-life issues.
That's been a big issue for me lately. Especially while I am in Education. I am frustrated at society's ability to brush past issues, to ignore them and pretend they do not exist. It is important to me because ignoring these issues only perpetuates these cycles. We need to address these issues if we are ever going to make any sort of progress. Addressing these issues is the only way to advance.
I think when shows go the real places, the real issues and addresses them properly, that's emotional to me. One Tree Hill did a shooting episode once. And that was an emotional roller coaster. Grey's Anatomy does that all the time. The most unbelievable episodes of television. But for 42 minutes, I allow myself to become emotional. I allow myself to step outside of the heartless bitch and become vulnerable. Only because nobody else knows, because nobody else can see it. I'm still the strong girl, the heartless bitch to everyone else.
I am watching Grey's Anatomy and this show actually reaches right down into my soul. I rarely get emotional in movies or tv shows but Grey's gets me every time. I just watched an episode during which a white supremacist who has a swastika tattooed on his stomach wanted a different doctor than a black doctor. So they send him an asian Jew. I cannot imagine being professional dealing with someone like that. So close-minded. Absolutely atrocious that there are still people in this world that think that way.
What I like about this show is that it's realistic. It's not all happy endings. They show real-life issues.
That's been a big issue for me lately. Especially while I am in Education. I am frustrated at society's ability to brush past issues, to ignore them and pretend they do not exist. It is important to me because ignoring these issues only perpetuates these cycles. We need to address these issues if we are ever going to make any sort of progress. Addressing these issues is the only way to advance.
I think when shows go the real places, the real issues and addresses them properly, that's emotional to me. One Tree Hill did a shooting episode once. And that was an emotional roller coaster. Grey's Anatomy does that all the time. The most unbelievable episodes of television. But for 42 minutes, I allow myself to become emotional. I allow myself to step outside of the heartless bitch and become vulnerable. Only because nobody else knows, because nobody else can see it. I'm still the strong girl, the heartless bitch to everyone else.
You might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not.
I took a chance, I took a shot, I told you I'm not bulletproof, now you know.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Paralyzed by pain.
It's funny because I used to think one day you just woke up and it didn't hurt anymore. And that's how you knew you were over someone. But I don't think that's it. I've come to the realization that it didn't stop hurting. It never stops hurting. You just become so hard to the pain that it's like an immunity. You learn to live with that pain every day because there's nothing else you can do. And when you love someone that much, you would suffer endless pain to know that the person you love is happy.
I don't know if he's happy, number twelve I mean. I keep trying to cover my feelings so that I don't spend every minute of every day missing him. I had to learn to live with it. It was the only way. But that pain, the emptiness, the longing, it's still there. It's quieter, muffled, deeper now. I guess some days I hope I burry it so deep it never resurfaces. Other days I hope I have the chance to remind number twelve of my love for him. That he would give me the opportunity to show him just how much I love him because I don't think he ever really knew. I never gave myself a chance to love him like I should have. I never have myself the opportunity to be loved like that. I could never open myself up to that. But maybe, just maybe, one day I will get the opportunity. A second chance. A do-over.
I don't know if he's happy, number twelve I mean. I keep trying to cover my feelings so that I don't spend every minute of every day missing him. I had to learn to live with it. It was the only way. But that pain, the emptiness, the longing, it's still there. It's quieter, muffled, deeper now. I guess some days I hope I burry it so deep it never resurfaces. Other days I hope I have the chance to remind number twelve of my love for him. That he would give me the opportunity to show him just how much I love him because I don't think he ever really knew. I never gave myself a chance to love him like I should have. I never have myself the opportunity to be loved like that. I could never open myself up to that. But maybe, just maybe, one day I will get the opportunity. A second chance. A do-over.
I can be alone, I can watch the sunset on my own.
Yeah you make me merry, make me very, very happy but you obviously, you didn't want to stick around. So I learned from you.
Moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head.
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well.
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