Love me, please.

Sometimes I get disheartened. Jealous. I am sad because everyone here is with someone. They have a partner, they're in love. Lonely. That epitomizes how I feel. I wish that I had someone here with me that loved me and wanted to make my life easier.
T didn't come with B because he's away working but she has J. B and C are here with their kids, all my cousins are married except one that I hate. I just wish that someone were here to be with me. I think that the appeal of M is that he was physically next to me. It was a friendship but he was physically near me when I needed him to be.
J is different. I feel for him, strongly. There is an emotional bond there and it frightens me.
Right now I feel so pathetic because I am laying in my bed alone blogging about how lonely I am.
I want someone to love me wholly, unconditionally. That's something I value immensely in a relationship and something I think was lacking in number twelve's love for me. When he realized that I wasn't perfect, he loved me less; or differently at the very least. My love hasn't changed for him and I doubt that it ever will because when I think about sunshine, I still love him too. That's something about me. I love unconditionally. When I love someone, I love all of them, even the ugly parts, especially the ugly parts. I value that type of love because that's how my mother loves. She loves all the way. And it's difficult for me because sometimes it takes me awhile to love, my love grows slowly. But when I love you, I love all of you and I will for the rest of my life. And that's what I want. I want to be loved. I want to fall in love again.

Divine Timing.

Divine timing in an incredible thing. This morning I was dreaming about mom and everything that's going on and all of us girls were sitting on a couch talking about her and she looked at me and she said, "it's okay now. I'm ready to go whenever it happens". Before I could say a word, my niece woke me up.

Pleaseeeee stop.

I love DVZ to death but every day she asks about my mom and how I'm doing and I know her heart is in the right place but seriously it just fucks with me. Like you just make me think about it and I don't always want to. This morning I got up had a great workout and then I received that text. It's just annoying. I hate being patronized. That's what I meant the other day. That's why I texted J about mom because he just asked me about it and let me talk about it and his version of sympathy is I know that's shitty but don't let it change your relationship etc. He gives advice instead of being like I am so sorry B.

I hope you get lonely tonight.

If you've got a bottle you ain't opened yet and am empty spot beside you in your bed, if you've got some room for a little regret let me know girl, I've already left.

I want you.

Lately a lot has been coming up about putting what you want out to the universe. Thinking positive thoughts and put what you want out to the world instead of what you don't want. It's terrifying and overwhelming but I will say that I know what I want. I want him. I want J. All of him. All of it with him.

I can be your hero.

Friendship.

Last night I was talking to M and his sister was getting rushed to the hospital because she stopped breathing and I was like oh my gosh that sounds like my week! So I asked if there was anything I could do for him and he said tell me absolutely everything you're thinking about right now. And I was like honestly? He's like yes everything. So I did. I told him I was thinking about teaching and my mom and I was finally over my ex and I had been thinking about him (M) earlier in the afternoon but I didn't want to annoy him.
He was a little bit taken aback I think but he was so good about all of it. He was just like I'm sorry about your mom but she knows you're doing everything you can for her and teaching will sort itself out when you're ready. He told me he was jealous of my realization of being over number twelve because he wasn't over his ex after 2 years now. I remember him talking about it the night we got shitfaced and it's clear he loves her still. I told him I love his honesty and I admire his courage in telling me the truth. Neither of us are looking for a relationship with one another but I value that he was so honest about not fucking with my head and was just genuinely like I'm not over her yet. I respect that so much.

Maybe your best friend can be your soulmate.

If you won't save her, please just take her.

J is honestly the best thing for me right now. This morning I texted him and I was like I just need to tell someone who isn't going to patronize me. And I love my friends and I am grateful for their support but most of them have never been in a situation where their parent is facing a terminal illness. They haven't felt what it feels like to know your parent is going to die and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. And I think that it's just nice to talk to him about it because he treats me normal. He knows me well enough to know that I will talk about it when I want to talk about it. When I gave him an update he just went straight into conversation about it rather than being like, "I don't know what to say" or "I'm sorry". I think that as much as I love people caring about me it's like that added line just doesn't help. I recognize that you cannot do or say anything to make me feel better. In fact, I cannot do or say anything to make myself or my mom feel better. That's all I want, is for her to not suffer. And I want her to recognize that her death is imminent.

In this moment now: capture it, remember it.

I think that I know the engagement ring that I want but as I think about it, I think I'd rather marry someone who chose one that I loved without me approving it first. I want to spend my life with someone who knows me well enough to know what I love without asking me about it.
I think it's interesting as we age, how much our perspective changes. This week has been an interesting one for me. After I found out about everything with mom, a part of me wanted to tell number twelve about all of it. Not in the way that I wanted him or needed him to do anything or try and fix it but because I felt like he deserved to know. If it were his mother, I'd want to know. I was partially afraid because I don't feel what I used to feel for him. A significant part of what is difficult about the situation with him is that I spent so long convincing myself and everyone else that we were meant to be together when a part of me knew that we weren't. I couldn't admit that to other people though. I couldn't admit it to myself because otherwise, what was I doing other than being ridiculous for 3 and a half years after we broke up.
A part of it was youth, immaturity. I can see now how many of the characteristics that I desire in a husband he was lacking. That's not to say he isn't a great person and won't make a great husband to somebody one day but not my husband.
When I had him call me the other day, the first time was humorous. I didn't answer because I was at the gym and Single Ladies by Beyonce was on. I mean that's pretty funny. The next time he called, he sounded put off by the fact I'd asked to call him. I'm not entirely sure why, to my understanding we weren't on poor terms. I think for both of us, being involved in one another's lives stirs up a lot of emotion and a lot of hurt which is understandable considering the years of dissidence we spent. When I answered the phone he was basically like what. What do you want?
Immediately, my guard went up because I was calling him out of a genuine love, not an attempt to hurt or a request for anything. I said I don't want or need anything from you. I was calling you as a courtesy but if you don't want to hear it that's fine by me.
I think he was a little taken aback because it's not like me in our relationship in the last few years to just stand up like that. When I told him, I think he was taken aback. He was speechless and I mean that's understandable because there is literally nothing anyone can do or say to make it better. He asked a little bit about her cancer and a piece of my heart broke when he asked me how I was doing with all of it because I know our love was real. We talked for 10 minutes just catching up and he asked me to have coffee or something next time he's home. I said I had to go to work now so see you later.
I think it was one of those moments where I realized that I wasn't "OH MY GOSH I AM SO HAPPY HE CALLED" and "I MISS HIM SO MUCH" so it was difficult to process. It was closure in a way because I realized that yes we loved one another but I have finally moved on.

Surreal.

Can I just say how fucked up it is to not be going back to school?

That man.

Tonight he came into work because T texted him and was like I might need you to come in. So as soon as I saw him I was like didn't you wear that yesterday? He's like shut up I didn't really have time to think about it before I came.
I kind of laughed because it really wasn't that busy so I found it humorous he was even there. As I was standing at the posi tonight he came really close to me and so I looked at him puzzled and said what are you doing? He's like I reallllyyy wanted to smack your bum just now. I laughed, I'm like oh like you smacked my arm the other night? He's like yep, exactly!
He was incredibly flirty tonight and I loved it. When I walked around the corner he was like I was just coming to find you to say goodbye! I'm like oh now we're saying goodbye again?
I love that he thinks of me. That honestly means more to me than anything.

I find solace in him.

Last week we found out that mom was basically palliative and I didn't find out until I was at work. After I had spent 2 days at the hospital with her then heard that news I was, not surprisingly, in a less than peachy mood. J knew something was up but it was clearly the middle of revenue and we were kind of busy. So I'm standing at the posi and he smacked my arm so hard. Like he wound up and whacked it open-palm right on my shoulder. I'm like what was that for? He's like I just wanted to. I'm like oh well that's nice thanks. He's like well actually, I'm really jealous of your shoulders. I was like my shoulders? He's like you have such nice definition of your shoulders. In my head I was like what a weird compliment but I was just like uhh thanks I think. 

Before he left he kind of called me into his office and was like are you okay? I just said no. He's like okay well come talk about it. So we talked in his office about his mom and my mom and we had a really good conversation about things. He really opened up. 

After I left that night I found out that my sister called him. She asked him to take care of me and make sure I was okay. I texted him and I was like you're such a brat! Why didn't you tell me? Him and I spoke afterwards and he was even more open and he repeatedly told me he's here for me and he understands better than anyone. 

He has a point and I find solace in the fact that he has recently gone through a similar experience because he can understand it.