I'm having a rough night. I'm sitting here contemplating whether or not I want to go meet my ex-boyfriend's sister. She's here tonight and she asked me to come there and I'm so torn. I'd like to see her and I have no qualms with her but I'm sad tonight.
Over and over I wonder to myself, why won't someone love me? What is wrong with me? How come everyone else gets to find love? It devastates me. My sister just got engaged and had a baby and I want so badly to be happy for her. But behind all of my well wishes and congratulations is a devastating blow. I bought a puppy because I crave love so deeply. Tears are soaking my cheeks because I am just so hurt. I want to be loved. I want someone to love me the way that I love. I am so exhausted of being alone.
I don't understand. And I've tried to convince myself with all the cliches but I am just so tired of being alone. Unloved. And I don't feel worthy of love. That's the most difficult part.
And I know that I'm loved by my family and my students but that's not what I mean. I want to be in love. I want someone to be in love with me.
I am really happy for number twelve that he's found someone despite the way he went about it. I want him to find someone to be with and someone that makes him happy. I genuinely only want good things for him. That doesn't make it any easier to watch him be with someone else. It's worse because I'm alone.
I sit here day after day functioning incredibly high, going above and beyond in my job, helping others, coaching 6 days a week, all the rest of it with a big smile on my face. No one knows how absolutely distraught I am to be alone. I look around and everyone has someone. And all I can think is why not me? Why can't I find someone? Why don't I deserve this? Why am I not enough?
