You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart-- that's true strength. "

The little things.

I hate that boy so much. I am sitting here with my socks half off and half on my feet because they are too hot. If I take my socks completely off my feet will get too cold. What a stupid jerk making my pick up his annoying habits and drive me crazy.

Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore.

The last few nights I've struggled to sleep. I know it's silly and I know it's difficult. I was talking to my sister the other night and I told her I'm sad because there is so much changing in my life in the next few months that it'd be really nice to have something stable. While number twelve and I were far from stable, he was always just a phone call or a text away and then I could visit and our conversation and his hug made everything feel like it was going to be okay. He's 1700 miles away. I can't just text him and stop by on my way home.
The hard part is that I know that this is better for us. Seeing him and speaking to him makes all progress I make go backwards. He makes me realize why I fell in love with him in the first place and everything in my life falls apart again because my heart aches for that love. My body yearns for his arms.
I guess I just wonder why people you love so much have to come into your life if you're going to lose them. Sure, I've learned an incredible amount from him and I've learned an incredible amount about myself from our relationship. Interestingly, I've learned a lot about other people and the way they react to certain things. I learned a lot about how different relationships are and how different people are in relationships.
I understand people come into your life because you're supposed to learn something from them. I sometimes just wonder what the point of the incredible pain in my heart is. What is the point of missing somebody every single day? What is this teaching me?

I wonder if I ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time.

Do you ever wonder if people from your past think about you? I sometimes wonder if people like sunshine or sofaking or tc think of me. I wonder if I ever cross number twelve's mind. Sometimes I think about them and how they're doing and I wonder what happened to us and how we got here. How did we get here? How could we be so far from the people we used to be? It was only 4 years ago. The person I was then and now are not even comparable. The people I thought would be in my life forever have been gone for a long time. 

I've been watching one tree hill and in this season it's four years since they graduated high school. It's hit me much harder than it did before. In fact I've been bawling for a good two hours. The changes in friends and family and life and dreams has all changed. Everything's changed. I don't even know who I used up be then. I have trouble wrapping my head around love. I have trouble wrapping my head around caring so much for someone and not speaking to them for years. 

I know you're supposed to come to terms with the fact that this is life. Things change in the real world and you just have to roll with it. But I don't understand it. I can't understand it. There's no course that teaches you how to make the right decision when you grow up. Or who to keep in your life forever. Who are you supposed to be? How do you get through the tough patches? Is it ever going to get easier? 

Blessed are the hearts that bend for they will never be broken.

I sometimes wonder why I torture myself like this, at least, I think about it while tears stream down my face.