i love you tmgs. with my whoooolllleeeee heart!

i cannot believe they are on a 'break'.
remember my previous blog about what to do if said best friend's gf is kissed by another boy.
holy f i never thought i'd see this day.

if only you know my true writing abilities.

oh and apparently i have been assigned more writing for publication.
new questions:
1. What determines the ethical base of society?
2. Is it impossible to be alone in a crowded room?

i'm actually quite excited because i find both of these questions very easy to respond to.

smiling uncontrollably.

he's just so cute. today he was just all about when i would be there tomorrow. like he was like and will phlg be there or do i get to see you first. and just so cute with the simplest what time are you going to be here. plus he was upset he had to wear clothes. haha i think that's the only thing he doesn't like about winter. it's cold meaning he can't walk around in next to nothing or nothing. and he has to have blankets on too. how awful must it be for someone with such a gorgeous body to have to cover up in the winter. actually, if i was that ripped, i'd probably walk around with no clothes on too. and then he tried to make me feel better about the fact that he was going to sleep for me right now and that my life would be better tomorrow even though i have to get up early because i got to see him.

procrastination.

whoever decided that an essay outline was a cool final assignment was seriously wrong. 

not only do i hate essay outlines but it has to include citations. that's garbage, maybe i'm just really smart and make up my own opinions.

sometimes i can't explain and i'm so sorry that i can't.

i've seen your act and i know all the facts;
i'm still in love with who i wish you were.
it ain't hard to see who you are underneath;
i'm still in love with who i wish you were.
i wish you were here.

you know it will always just be me.

i've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch,
a better fuck then any girl you'll ever meet;
sweetie you had me.

tyler hilton.

everytime i think of you, i always catch my breath
i'm still standing here and your miles away
and i wonder why you left me
and there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight.
i hear your name in certain circles
and it always makes me smile
i spend my time just thinkin about you
and its almost driving me wild.
but it's my heart that's begging down this long distance line tonight;
and i ain't missin' you at all, since you've been gone... away
i ain't missin' you, no matter what i might say.
there's a message in the wires and I am sendin' you a signal tonight
you don't know how desperate i've become
and it looks like i'm loosing' this fight
but it's my heart that's breakin' down this long dusty road of mine
bt I ain't missin' you at all, since you've been gone... away
i aint missin' you at, no matter what my friends say
and there's a message that i'm sendin' out
like a telegraph to your soul, i can't bridge this distance
honey, stop this heartache overload.
i ain't missin' you at all, since you've been gone... away
i ain't missin' you, no matter what my friends say
i ain't missin' you, since you've been gone... away
i ain't missin you, yeah, no matter what your friends say
hey yeah, yeah yeah yeah
i ain't missin you at all, since you've been gone... away
i ain't missin' you, no.

dear itunes, enough with the tyler hilton.

so aside from the fact that the tyler hilton has been dead on each and every time, it's really starting to bother me a bit. i mean tyler knows what he's talking about for sure. but he reminds me of sunshine a little bit. sunshine hates tyler hilton because tswift thought he was such a lovely person she decided to put him in her 'teardrops on my guitar' video. therefore, to sunshine tyler broke taylor's heart and he is a horrible person. sunshine loves tswift more than i do and that;s saying something. we would argue all the time about tyler hilton, i'd purposely put that song on and be like oh i just love tyler hilton. i actually enjoyed arguing with sunshine, thoroughly enjoyed it. and he'd be like no, he broke her heart, he's a douche. and we would argue continuously for quite some time and i always tried to point out that he's actually a really great singer, he has a good voice, good lyrics. i see no problem. and obviously tswift wouldn't put him in her video if he broke her heart. come on, his name is tyler, not drew. geez.

indecision.

i wish i didn't have to be like the most indecisive person in the whole world. i mean good luck to any country i ever run. everytime i finally figure out what i want i like step back and i'm like well but this, this, this, and that could go very, very wrong. and then i am like well is it worth what i want. and then i fall into this contemplation stage that last me like forever. or so long that by the time i reach some sort of conclusion it's basically null and void and doesn't matter anymore.
i wish i could be one of those people that is like i want this, and go for it. just jump in head first and not look back. i could close my eyes and forget all the consequences and just really live. well we all have fairytales right.

interesting. i didn't know there was an 'us'

i just don't know how this is going to work.
like with us?

frustration.

i just wish that for once things could work out the way i'd like, the way i planned.

you are a douchebag.

well isn't it convenient you just happened to leave that out.

i was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance.

i had so many dreams about you and me
happy endings, now i know;
i'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale.
i'm not the one you sweep off your feet.

stupid girl, i should've known, i should've known.

my mistake,
i didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand.

you'll ask for me.

i am what you see; i am not what they say
but if i turned out to be, could you love me anyway?

why does doing the right thing always feel so bad?

doing the right this takes courage and strength.
and anything that hard is only made more difficult by not having your best friends by your side.
i'm sorry you had to go through it alone.

whatcha say.

dear number twelve,

what would you say if i said i wanted to be with you. i'm not actually saying that because to be honest i don't really know what i want. i just need to know if there's a chance we could ever be something again or if this is just the way it's always going to be. we have changed a lot, both of us. and now i guess i just want to know if it's ever in the stars for us t try it again or if it's just going to be like that feeling you get when you see an old friend, one that you haven't seen in so long that you feel this sense of calm come over you because you know they're okay at the same time as butterflies tickling the inside of your stomach because you are just so happy to see them. 

please tell me if you think i should say something or just let it go. 

on the topic of lethbridge.

i'm actually pretty nervous about thursday. 

i mean i'm quite excited to see ts and phlg and  antelope hunter and of course number twelve but i'm also like really nervous about antelope hunter and number 12. antelope hunter was better in the last week or so but he seemed quite unimpressed with me last time.. i mean i don't blame him because if we did kiss like i bbm'd my sister then i am just a baaad person. i can't keep doing that to him, poor kid. it was skanky the first time and now it's just mean. i mean really, kiss him and wake up in his best friend's bed. (i just realized how slutty that sounds; which is weird because i am so not like that). but now there like who knows what with number twelve and nothing with antelope hunter except like just loving the kid to death cause he's so funny. 

but what do i do about number twelve. like right now even if i was like i'm not going to sleep in his bed, we'd know that was a lie. and if was like yeah he's not going to hug me until i cry, well we know that's a lie too. i just don't know whether i should say anything, like if we should have a conversation about what we are or if i should just let it go because i really don't know what i want. i mean obviously i'm into him but i also know how many things are standing in the way and how awful the timing is. i know i should just let it play out how it's supposed to and i want to do that because what's supposed to happen, will. but i am just so torn as to whether or not i should even gauge where his head's at or just be what we are.

i just need a number twelve hug.

i really don't want to write this paper. 

what i want is to skip today and tomorrow and just have it be thursday.

storytime.

so i woke up at 630 for school and i was like aahhh i so do not want to go to class, i just wanna sleep. so then i decided to just sleep for like 20 minutes and not get a coffee this morning. then i get up and walk into the bathroom and i'm like uh-oh. my lights wouldn't turn on... so i try to turn on the bedroom light, nothing. walk out into the other room(naked i might add) haha and still nothing. so i try to look under my door and still there's no light shining and i was like this is soo weird. so i put on a hoodie and open my door just a crack to peek into the hallway and it's pitch black! i was like oh that's it. it's a sign. i'm going back to bed. and i did.

sex like runs your life. holyy.

dear people above me,

please learn to engage in quieter activities at quarter to two on a tuesday morning. 

it would be greatly appreciated. thank you.

sincerely,

b.

i never said good bye.

i wish i had've just given him a hug and said goodbye.

it starts with goodbye.

i hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
but i knew i had to do it and he wouldn't understand.
so hard to see myself without him,
i felt a piece of my heart break
but when you're standing at a crossroad
there's a choice you gotta make;

i guess it's gonna have to hurt,
i guess i'm gonna have to cry
and let go of some things i've loved to get to the other side
i guess it's gonna break me down, like falling when you have to fly
it's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
starts with goodbye.

old movie binge.

stepmom, check.
a cinderella story, check.
pretty woman, in progress.
wizard of oz.
alice in wonderland.
101 dalmatians
pearl harbour

pretty woman.

welcome to hollywood,
everybody that comes to hollywood 'got a dream;
what's your dream?

when i think of you, i don't know what to do.

i miss you like crazy, even more than words can say
i miss you like crazy, every minute of every of every day.

brushfire fairytales.

slow down everyone; you're moving too fast.
frames can't catch you when you're moving like that.

but the truth is baby; if you could read my mind.

it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong.
it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone.

got away by some mistake

somehow you remain lost so deep inside.

if you asked me how i'm doing i'd say just fine.

not a day goes by that i don't think of you.
after all this time, you're still with me, it's true.

somewhat golden like the afternoons.

and i know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic;
but when i say let's keep in touch, i really mean i wish that you'd grow up.

just a small town girl, living in a lonely world.

these streets will make you feel brand new;
big lights will inspire you.

i care too much.

i wish i didn't feel guilty for things i shouldn't feel guilty for. like doing things for myself. i feel so guilty when i take time for myself and i really shouldn't because i rarely ever do it. i feel guilty when i don't put everyone else first. i feel guilty when i don't feel bad for someone. i feel bad that i don't feel bad. if i don't support everyone else, i feel guilty. and i just wish i could shake that feeling.

what can i say to convince you to change your mind, of me.

if you need a friend, i'll be around.
don't let this end before i see you again.

i hate myself for loving you.

in spite of everything that you said to me,
i will always love you.

i feel bad that i don't feel bad.

there are things about you that i miss sunshine.
but i don't miss the unhappiness.
and i wouldn't take it back if i could.

i don't know if i want to.

can you fix it?

i just can't hear it.

i wish i could follow my heart.

maybe that's all that matters.

in spite of everything, i still love you.

what do you do when you lose yourself.

i'm glad you're okay but all of this needs to stop. i need you to figure that out and i'm really afraid of what might happen if you don't figure it out cause i miss the old you. i miss the you that would rather stay in an play video games than stay out all night without calling. and i miss the you that cared about her real friends and worked hard at her job, i miss that you. i want her back.
i still love you.

a heart don't forget somthing like that.

the m e m o r y of the first love never fades away.

it's desperate; not moral.

the world is a dangerous place and we must learn to defend ourselves from those who want to hurt us; that stranger without a name, an employer who holds a grudge, the husband who won't let go. yes, we all try to defend ourselves so we won't get hurt; until we realize our pain can hurt someone else.

hahaha OOPS!

bahahahahaha i'm so funny. i completely forgot that when you tag a picture on facebook it notifies the person who's picture it is. so i just spent like 10 or 15 minutes tagging some japan photos that are from sunshine. and we have spoken oh i don't know maybe 2 or 3 times in the last 2 months... (not at all for about 6 weeks in the middle) and he just got notified oh i don't know at least 40 times on his blackberry. then i get a message saying "good gosh, going to town on the damned tagging!"
sorry, we'll call that my bad.
hahaha i hate so much when that happens.

in conclusion

basically, we convince ourselves we hate the entire scene of dating because it is so much easier to not be in one and just hook up. this means less chance of falling for someone and getting a broken heart. plus it's far less effort.
also, even if we become the two happiest girls in the entire world, we will always carrying the 'what if' feeling. and there will always be something missing.

words with phlg

yeah well what do i say?... number twelve, what if i said i wanted to be with you?
yes! just do it! like nike!
i just don't know if i want to be with him. i mean i do, to a degree; i just know it would be really hard and i, like you don't wanna get hurt.
oh but b as you so gently pointed out earlier, the biggest risks have the biggest payoffs.

what if i said i wanted to be with you.

i wonder what he'd say this time.

can people really change?

she said that she doesn't think people change. and it got me thinking.
i think people can change to a certain degree; but at the same time, there are some things that at the end of the day, you are who you are and it's probably who you've always been.

everyone but me.

"every girl wants to be the asshole that the asshole changes for...
except me of course; i was that girl and i fucked it up".

benefit of the doubt.

phlg and i had like the crazziesst conversation last night. like actually. my bbm can only keep record from like after 1pm it was so intense. we talked about giving people second chances and like relationships and all the crazy things we've both told ourselves to ensure we believe we can be happy without someone else. and it reminded me that her and i are more alike that i recognize sometimes. we both have been so hurt that we push people out of our lives if that have too much influence on us. we push away people that care about us because it always ends it hurt. and we both have mad trust issues. i realized myself telling her things that i should really do myself and if i don't then what do my words mean. i'm just a hypocrite.
she told me that she feels like when we aren't joking around that i just knock her down. and i was kinda choked she said that. i was like no i'm being honest. i'm honesty sucks sometimes and sometimes we are both hurt by each others honesty. and yeah i know her biggest flaws(and she knows mine) but i also know he best attributes as well and i love her in spite of those things because that's what best friends do.
i mean how many people in your life can you say man no matter what i know she(he) has MY best interest at heart. it's naive to believe that most people have your best interest at heart because in reality most people are inherently selfish. and i told her i'm not going to sugarcoat it, and i said you know that no matter what i say or do, no matter how much it hurts you, i really have your best interest at heart. and she was like yeah i know you do, i'm sorry; you're right if your best friend can't tell you the truth, who can. best friends always want to give the benefit of the doubt.
i said maybe you should give someone other than a best friend the benefit of the doubt.
and she said maybe you should too.

it''s that uneasy feeling.

say that you wanna be with me too.

the benefit of the doubt.

what's another chance.

age differences blow.

is it bad that i like a good friend's sister better than her?
i just feel like we are more alike. we are both much more passive and let things just happen sometimes. and she over reacts so much and we are like meh oh well. like yeah that sucks but you can't change it. i find her really easy to talk to and not intimidating. she confides in me and i'm not afraid to confide in her. i like trust her more than you. and that kinda sucks like a lot.

cooperation versus confrontation.

how can i be a cooperative person who tries to like avoid confrontation until necessary always be dragged into it. i am not stubborn but it seems every time that i just let it go someone keep poking at me. i'm like okay and they are like no its not okay and try to drag out and overexaggerate the issue and i am just like seriously let it go. it's not that big of a deal, if you need to win so badly, you win. because i of course don't know what i'm talking about. or when i'm like never mind it doesn't matter and he's like no it does matter. say what you were gonna say. and i just want to be like no why do we have to fight.
ahh i'm so frustrated.

i need a retreat.

i am so drained. physically drained. mentally drained. emotionally drained. i am seriously just drained, drained, drained. sometimes i feel like i just need a break. i don't want to talk to anyone because i feel like i'm supposed to have the answers to everything. like i'm an 18 year old girl, i'm struggling too. and i should probably confide more and ask for help but most friendships don't go both ways and that means that i am like trying to fix everyone else's problems so i don't have to face mine. i like being the friend that can be confided in without judgement and in confidence but sometimes i just want to be like honestly, i just need a break. grow up, it's not the end of the world, get over it. but i can't actually say that. i'm such a pushover when it comes to that i'm just like oh what, you're immature and still love creating drama, please tell me how i can politely tell you that is a stupid thing to be upset about. sometimes people overreact so much and i just don't know how to be like honestly, why do you care. you're 18 not 12. let it go.

my life revolves around killing people or saving the world.

i think i'm going to shut my phone off. just ignore everyone and retreat for a bit. like i'm so drained and i just don't know how come i always am the friend to go to. i like being that person most of the time but sometimes i just like need a break. i need to breathe.

false reassurance.

so what do you do when your best friend asks you about the character of a person and then said person goes and kisses your best friend's girlfriend at the bar in a drunken stupor after you reassure best friend that said person is a good guy and wouldn't ever hit on best friend's girlfriend.

hearts are too painful.

she said follow your heart; i say follow the yellow brick road.

why do i do these things that i do to myself

please don't break my heart.

i reeeaaallllyyy need to stop drinking so much.

1- it's expensive
2- it's murdering my liver
3 - i do really stupid things sometimes
4 - i say really stupid things sometimes
5 - i wake up with a foggy memory

alcohol, you are my kryptonite.

i need to stop drinking so much.