i've wanted the same one for over a year.

sooo speaking of tatoos s,
i really really want mine.
birthday presents are cool, but i'd like it... now please.

i've got you down, i know you by heart and you don't even know where i start.

i'll leave my window open, cause i'm to tired tonight to call your name. just know i'm right here hoping, you'll come in with the rain.

i'm too tired tonight for all these games.

i could go back to every laugh;
but i don't wanna go there anymore.

i've got all i need, and it's alright by me.

may be a simple life, but that's okay;
if you ask me baby, i think i've got it made.

oh i love cma covers.

i told you once, you son of a bitch; i'm the best there's ever been.

i think knowing someone loves you and can't admit it hurts the most.

it hurts to love someone and not be loved in return; but what is most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.

fyi this is not why i'm afraid.

we say we love flowers, yet we pick them.
we say we love trees, yet we cut them down.
and people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.

solid yellow,white dotted, it doesn't matter.

i truly believe that highways heal broken hearts. driving in rd is okay but i always end up on country roads anyways. i remember once he told me that he liked his trip to edmonton cause the lights. he loves the lights. he tried to take me somewhere at home to see the gorgeous rd lights(woops haha) and today i was just sitting reading, writing and i was like tonight i should go for a drive. a downtown drive to see all the lights and all the magnificent beauty that is life. it's simple elegance. and i think i may just do it.

lack of modesty= occasionally necessary

oh by the way. drunken i love you's... not so cool.
last night after a mere 4 text conversation i said well its boys night have fun be safe and i'll talk to you tomorrow... and i got a "b, i love you"
uhhhh what??! no no no you mean you love me like a friend or a sister or like you are not in love with me. my ever clever response threw out that " hahaha yeah i know i get that a lot!"
defense mechanism #1= make a joke.

time heals everything.

i read my entire blog today. it started on september 12... well that's when this one started, i've been blogging on nexopia for like 2 years or something crazy like that. as i read through, i realized how far i've come in like 2 months. two months ago i actually wanted to be with him, and now, i have no idea why. two months ago i was an entirely different person. i think that reading through my history is like a way to recognize why i've done what i have, why i do what i do, why i make the choices i make, why i am who i am. being able to read back to two months ago is crazy. exactly 35 days ago, i gave him the letter. and exactly 30 days ago he read it. that was the end. it has been exactly 20 days since we've spoken at all, and it would've been longer but hearing your daddy's best friend died well... even i'm not that cold. i'd be heartless if i didn't say something. i don't know i just feel like it's not that hard anymore. i know it goes a great day followed by feeling worse than ever but it just doesn't feel like i'm really missing out. it's like i finally realized i can do this. for real. and i'll say merry christmas and then hopefully go away and when i come back then it'll be a new year. and i can be a new person. i already started thinking about my new year's resolutions. i just want to be a better person, be myself again. and i told p the other day that i was mad at him for driving me out by your house that night. and i was. and i told him all about you and #12 and he thought it was quite humorous that i actually was so drunk i'd say anything about anything going on in my head because that's not who i am. i think he was surprised to see that i'm not always held together and i don't always feel great and my life isn't always perfect despite how hard i work to make it look that way. i think he finally realized that i'm human and that i need a support system too. i can't just be the one to catch everyone and he was like appreciative. and that was refreshing. i realized that n err dragon and phlg are still there for me and they both know me soo well it's almost frustrating. but it's nice too. i feel like i don't have to pick up my own pieces for once.

procrastination.

so history paper=lame. i got bored and tswift snl seemed appropriate.
amy pohler, you're hilarious.
andy samberg, you too.
and taylor, well you already know i love you.

dr. john mccrae.

in flanders fields the poppies blow between the crosses row on row,
that mark our place; and in the sky the larks, still bravely singing, fly.
scarce heard amid the guns below, we are the dead.
short days ago we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow;
loved and were loved, and now we lie in flanders fields.
take up our quarrel with the foe; to you from failing hands we throw the torch;
be yours to hold it high, if ye brek faith with us who die,
we shall not sleep, though poppies grow,
in flanders fields.

and here's the itunes game at its best.

"don't worry 'bout nothing, see what tomorrow brings.
don't worry 'bout it, stress about it, fret about it.
don't worry 'bout nothing, let it go; see what tomorrow brings.
don't worry 'bout nothing;
pray about everything.
yeah, pray about everything."

you're a genius; but you've got a lot to learn.

you've made a mess;
who would have guessed,
that it's as simple as it seems.

12x1

dear number 12.
i really miss exactly this.
re: i really miss my best friend(s).. better include antelope hunter he's a third of us.

but i do, i do, i do.

and i scream out the window,
i can't even look at you.
i don't need you.

thanks q.

it's all about funny magic in unexpected places.

i've been longing for closure. goodbye.

you know, i looked through those pictures today, the japan ones. and i realized something. it's finally okay for me to let it go. i mean really let it go, because i didn't ruin it. i always tried to fix it. momma b liked me and i really liked her, and she knows that i meant something to you. but when i am myself i'm not going to ever fit into your family. like meeting the whole family, being introduced to jdub and j and grams and gramps and the little ones, i mean it just isn't who i am. j doesn't even seem like she likes her life, she just got the rich husband and the financial security, maybe i'm wrong and she's really happy, but it never seemed that way to me. and your grandpa, well being introduced as the infamous bb is not really the way i like to be introduced, the response as ohhhh so yourrr bb doesn't really give me a good feeling.
i looked through those pictures and i realized it's okay. i realized i can let all of it go. i can let it go because i know that i was happy, you were happy, we were happy. genuinely happy when it was you and me. and that's all i need. i can let it go because i said i love you and i have nothing to regret. i said it and i meant it. but now i can move on without wondering what oculd of been. because it was, it was great. i loved you and i showed you and told you. and now now its done.

in the words of children.

it's only three words.
i forgive you.

i want this one day.

chill out crazy girl. stop overanalyzing life.

so i overanalyze things. is it really that big of a problem. okay so here is today's current issue.
today i was on my way to starbucks and my phone started ringing. it was nan and she said my RESP cheque was here. and i was sooo excited; macbook pro here i come! and then i went and picked it up and it was more than i thought. well wicked, i'm not complaining, now i can pay for the entire thing right off the bat. but then i went to the bank and they're like okay well since it's a personal cheque, it's going to have a week hold on it. and i way like gay; part of that was lethbridge spending money. but then i started driving home (have i told you i think highways heal broken hearts... well driving fixes all my problems). i got to thinking and i was like holy man. like what if i was smart about this money. what if i save it. i mean what if i invest it into something else. everyone always joked about how spoiled i am and i have no business sense and i'm just daddy's girl that gets everything i want and i'll never make it in the real world or any of it. and i wonder how that happened. i just to save all money and i was smart about it and then i just got used to having things handed to me. then today i was thinking about it and i was like why did i used to be like that, like what changed. well i think i started to live for the moment instead of plan for the future. i forgot why i planned for the future. i saw what my mom went through, and put us through and i see what mlr's mom is going through and what she is putting her through. and i just never want to have to go through that again. i don't wanna put myself through it or my hypothetical children. it's a macbook pro. and yes i really really want one. but i also have a perfectly fine working hp laptop and i can start saving for that in january when i get a job. i don't neeed a macbook pro. they're beautiful and functional and work much better with less virus. but i don't need it. be smart silly girl. do something you know is right.

well thank you mlr, i know.

it's a computer dear.
exhibit A... you look waaaayyy too much into things.

143=8

and it's crazy how those three little words can give you everything.
and yet those same eight letters can take everything away.

you DON'T belong with me.

you belong with me. oh my gosh i hate that stupid effin song. it is one of the many reasons i don't listen to the radio. i hate hearing it at the bar, i hate hearing it on the radio, i hate hearing it on someone's ipod, i hate hearing it on someone's cd. i HATE that song. i am so tired of hearing it. i could recite every single word for you. and then i'd like to jump off a bridge.
the worst part is everyone always tells me it reminds them of me. and THEN we are coming out of bki(best steak sandwiches ever ps.) and of course it would come on the radio. i'm having a perfectly good day when i hear the song start. oh f i hate this song comes out of my mouth. and my sister says i know. and i understand why. but i'm sorry b it reminds me of you and sunshine. it is exactly the two of you. it is him being so madly in love with you. he tells you his hopes and dreams, the things no one else knew. you were the one that made him smile when he was about to cry. you kept him grounded. you're just not what he's 'allowed' to be with. you won't be the perfect little housewife that doesn't stand up for herself and does what she's told. you call him out when he's being cocky and arrogant and he knows that you are one of the few people that has his absolute best interest at heart. he's torn and it's just easier for him to pretend you don't have his heart so that he can do what the family demands of him.
it's okay though. i know you know that this is better.
yes i do. which is why i took a deep breathe, and let him go.

lethbridge

you know what. no matter what happens. i'm determined to have fun in lethbridge. phlg will be there a cbear and rc ahahahaahahaha. but i get to see antelope hunter too and number 12 and i think that even if things don't go quite the way i want them to well that'll be okay. this trip can be a test. see where we stand. if there's a chance for us to try again or if i can move on knowing we can stay friends. either way, i will make it fun. i love antelope hunter and phlg and cbear so if number 12 is being silly and slutty. ohh well.
dear lethbridge. on wednesday, you may need to look out for us for a few days. sincerely, the girls.

6+6=lethbridge

shaking a bit, achy, nauseaus, hot and cold flashes... sounds like swine right? wrong. it's called nerves. i am so unbelievably nervous. and yet incredibly excited, can't wait at the same time. i mean i miss you soooo much. and i have been thinking so much lately. like what i'm going to do. i wanna cuddle. out of this weekend, the road trip, that's my goal is to lay in your arms and feel safe again. feel that still, the calm. and know that nothing can hurt me. but i'm still so worried. i don't know where your head is at, or more your recently increasingly dirty genetalia. i'm nervous to see you. like crazily nervous. i want to go back to where you and i were about a year ago.. only i'd like to do things a little differently(experience changes everything).
so dragon was at my house the other night, and she was like okay i want you to be completely honest. like don't lie at all because i'll know. would you honestly date number 12 again? i was like ah silly girl how do you know me so well. are you asking if i want to date him or if i'd consider it. if you would consider it. yeah i'd consider it. i mean things are different, we've both grown up alot and he still is so sexy and absent-mindedly makes me want him allll the time. but i don't know if i would actually date him until we both come home from school. i mean he's an 18 year old boy in his first year of university living it up and i'm at least an hour and a half away. i can't expect him to be faithful to me. plus, i really am sketchy on long distance relationships. i mean i am sure they work for some people but i just don't think it's the best way for us to begin a relationship. again. it kind of scares me cause when we dated the first time he was like looking so far into the future. he was talking about what we'd do in the summer and then we would make it work in the fall when he was gone and it wouldn't be that far. we could do it.
i mean how stupid am i. (rhetorical question, i already know). he wanted to basically commit to me for life and i was scared beyond imagination so i did everything i possibly could to run away. i was terrified. i am not ready for the kind of commitment dragon and kodiak have(3 and a half years already. hold up.) but it'd be nice to give us a real opportunity. and have me not be like dude you are a crazy girl. that boy is in love with you and you could fall in love with him if you would just let go. well i let go. and i think that i would enjoy having another(unfortunately i can't say 2nd.. it's closer to 3rd or perhaps 4th if you count the 'seeing each other' time) chance to be with you.
and maybe all of this is just crazy.

how many torn photographs are you taping back.

how many i told you's. and start overs and shoulders have you cried on before. how many promises, be honest girl how many tears you let hit the floor. how many bags have you'd packed just to take him back. how many either or's.
but no more.