Because I deserve you.

Positive thinking.

Moments of impact.

"You see, that's the thing about moments like these... you can't, no matter how hard you try, control how they're going to affect you. You've just got to let the colliding particles land where they may and wait, until the next collision."
-The Vow.

Interesting words to think about.

I chose to stay with him for all the things he'd done right, instead of leaving him for the one thing he'd done wrong.

I love your brother way too fucking much.

Yesterday T saw my phone and said, WHAT does your phone say?!?! He read it and it says, "We all love someone way too fucking much". T says, "is that true?"
I kind of shrugged my shoulders and said I don't know.
He's like I don't think I do....
Before he even finished his sentence, I started to respond to him. It was nearly concurrent... I said, "you love your dog that much" and he said, "maybe my dog".
We both burst out laughing because everything that was even remotely sensitive about my screensaver just turned so hilarious.
We also talked about getting Chili Peppers on your genitals only we didn't use such a polite vocabulary. He's like THROUGH MY SWEATPANTS B!
He's so dramatic but hilarious. I thought I'd be so annoyed with him this week but he's been pretty great.

Stop.

I miss him immensely. So much that it's stupid actually.

One of my favourite movie quotes.

You don't step into love. You fall, head over heels.

Silly girl who falls too hard.

I read some horoscope stuff today. My brain is over-analyzing everything. Please stop brain. I am going to die at work tomorrow.
Things in my life are supposed to be looking up especially romantically. I certainly hope so. I also keep being told to not rush things and allow time to take its course. It will be worth the wait. That is so much easier said than done.

What a darling.

My mom is so cute. The other night shw texted me and asked about J. She asked me if I'd talked to him and when I asked her why, she said I've been thinking about him alot. Today I asked her why he was on her mind and she said, "a plane disappeared in SE Asia and I was afraid something happened to him because if it did I know you would be incredibly upset."
I honestly think it is so sweet that she thinks about him and me in such depth.

Go to sleep.

Tonight a girl said to me when you know, you know. That's tough for me because I think I try to convince myself I've found the perfect man. I think it started with sunshine because of the idea of him and what he could provide me. Don't get me wrong I loved that kid with all my heart and even now thinking about him touches a special place in my heart.
Number 12 was different. I tried so hard to convince myself he was the one because I want a fairy tale. I wanted my high school sweetheart to be the one I spend my life with. I think a part of me knew all along. That's a tough truth tp swallow.
And now it's New Year's and I'm over-thinking everything.

I can't help it.

I'm absolutely in love with the fact he answered me from across the world a minute after I texted him. I genuinely didn't expect a reply.

Sincerely, your health.

Dear brain,
Please stop over analyzing and over thinking everything in the world. I promise it will all be okay in the end. Have faith in yourself and your ability to make good decisions. You are intelligent and kind and you love unconditionally. These all things to be proud of. Love yourself. Know that it's okay to not have it all figured out. You're still young, you have lots of time. Take each day for what it is. Grow. Love. Breathe.
You are strong and you know it but you are also beautiful. Believe that. Tell the voice that you know so well that's criticizing you to stop. Sure, you're flawed. That's okay. You've been broken. That's okay too. You are a good person. That matters. Remember your own value and remind yourself of it often because you deserve it. You deserve to know your worth and to feel the lightness of letting go. Release things out of your control. I'm serious. Learn and let yourself fail. Let yourself make mistakes.
Believe in yourself. You are enough.
Most of all, you are beautiful. Did you hear me? You are beautiful.
You are beautiful.
Love,
B. 

Witty little shit.

Refer back to post "all about the principle" from December 26. So that conversation happened and then on Christmas Day I was talking to J while he was at the airport and we were getting ready for dinner and his plane was getting ready to board so I was like okay, have fun! Be safe! I'm going to blow my brains out listening to an Elsa doll.
The little fucker says, "hahaha maybe you should've got them that iPad... with headphones!"
I will say though, I like that he remembers things we talk about like that. I find it endearing that he really listens to things I say enough to remember them.

What a joke.

I don't think I ever blogged about this but I went on a date with a dude from tinder who was basically J's doppelgänger and right before I went S said, "he will be shorter and less good looking than you expect". And the second I walked in he stood up and he was shorter than me and I actually burst out laughing because I am a HORRIBLE human being but fuck it was so funny.

I just want him.

I have bronchitis. All I want is for him to be here, worried about me. I want him to take care of me and sit next to me.
It's ridiculous because he deserves this vacation, he really does. I underestimated how much he does sometimes because when he's at work, half the time he sits in the office on his phone but he really does do a lot. He was so stressed and exhausted and I'm so happy he's gone away to relax.
Poor guy, today T sent him an email and I was like can't you just let him enjoy his one week away? Like you are going to go away for 2 weeks and I'd be willing to bet he will solve every single problem all on his own while you are away. Give him a break, for a week. He is barely gone 10 days total. I know because I am literally so beyond delusional in love with him and all I want is for him to come back.

Catcher in the Rye.

"It's funny. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."
-J.D. Salinger

Come back, be here.

Feelings are bullshit. Today I received an email from my car salesman so I was telling T about it and then when I came home today I opened up a pesonal Christmas card from him like with a picture of his child on it. The only thing I want to do is tell J! And I can't because he's gone. Or I could email it or text him and he might get it or when he gets back. But he's the only one that will even understand because he came with me and he met the guy! And it will make sense to him and we have these joked about car shopping and it's just only him who will get it.

Spot on.