GTF.

I feel so damn good after the gym. Like I'm currently on cloud nine. I'm just in such a good mood and I've accomplished zero homework today. I just like feel so happy for the first time in so long. And like I'm at home with a booster juice all sweaty after the gym and I feel soo good. I'm like just giddy.
Also, there is a children's bouncy thing about four houses down across the street and my roommate was like yo b, GTF. Gym, Tan, Find out how we can get inside that thing! hahahaha now I cannot wait for him to get back from the gym because I had one of those for my birthday one year! Unreal hey.

I saw God today.

I've been to church, I've read the book,
I know He's here but I don't look,
near as often as I should.

alone, not lonely for the first time in a long time.

People are just grinding my fucking gears right now.
Lucky I am at home alone drinking a LARGE glass of red wine and going to watch pride and prejudice in bed. Goooooddddnight.

epitomize me.

"Life with you makes perfect sense,
you're my best friend."

your arms.

believe in yourself.

"You’re not sorry, but you should be. Do you know what my mother said to me when I told her I wanted to start a company? She said ‘your chances are one in a million’, and I said ‘maybe I’m that one’. And she said ‘you’re not’. And she was wrong. And whatever she thought she saw in me, was wrong. Because I am one in a million."

let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

"when people attack you, it's only because they wish their light could shine as bright as yours."

-sophia bush.

sophia bush.

"To be happy, it first takes being comfortable being in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there. The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, is when you’re trying to find love, and yourself at the same time. It just doesn’t seem to fit well. So I believe that happiness is being able to wake up and just know that this is what you wanted, and not what somebody else wanted."

are you happy now?

"I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination… We’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy, when we get that car, or that job, or that person in our lives that will fix everything. Happiness is a mood and it’s a condition not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry it’s not permanent, it comes and goes and that’s okay and I feel like if people thought of it that way they’d find happiness a lot more often."

lyrics girl here.

"You know, I’ve got this theory, there are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyrics people tend to be analytical. You know, all about the meaning of the song. They’re the ones you see with the CD insert out like five minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Then there’s the music people.. Who could care less for the lyrics as long as its just got, like, a good beat and you could dance to it. I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I’m not, let me just say this: sometimes things find you when you need them to find you. I believe that. and for me, it’s usually song lyrics."

-psawyer.

maybe they can be better?

You ever wake up from a really good dream and just try to get back to sleep? Or you have the flu and promise yourself you’ll appreciate normal so much more if you could just get back to it? Thats the way I feel. I just want things to go back to the way they were.

how I met your mother.

Ted: "You're like Mary Poppins if her magic purse was also full of drugs.
Robin: "If? Ted, the kid in that movie jumped into a painting and spent fifteen minutes chasing a cartoon fox. Spoonful of sugar? Grow up."

brilliant woman.

I’ve managed to keep my head on straight about a lot of things, but I’ve also fallen on my face. You just have to get back up, and learn from your mistakes. I mean, Hello! We all make mistakes. We all have growing pains. Nobody’s perfect. But there are, to me, things that are just… sacred. And doing what’s right is sacred. It’s not always easy, when I think about what is right. What it means to treat people equally and to treat people kindly and to lend a hand. The road can be more difficult, but that’s also why it’s rewarding.

- Sophia Bush.

closest words to describing how I feel.

"Before I met you, my world revolved around one thing: me. And I liked it that way, on my own. But then I met you, and you saw through the facade. You saw me. You’ve taught me to trust, how to let someone in, and what it truly means to fall in love. I can’t possibly describe how much I love you, so I’ll tell you why I love you. You see the world in a way that no one else does, and you appreciate everything… Including me. There’s no one in the world like you. And if you say yes in a few minutes, I’ll get to spend the rest of my life trying to see the world through your eyes, appreciating everything… Including you — the most unique, wonderful, and terribly handsome man I’ve ever met."

vows.

"Brooke before I met you I thought my world had everything I needed to be happy.I had nothing else to compare to. Then you walked into my life and everything changed. I realized how empty my world was without you in it, and my old life was no longer capable of making me happy, not without you. I love everything about you Brooke, I love the way you challenge me like no one ever has, I love the way you look at me like no one ever has, and I love the way you love me like no one ever has. I cant imagine spending my life without you, and if you say yes to me in a few minutes I wont have to......You look beautiful by the way!"

I wanna live.

"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all."

I can't give up on us now.

Could I forget the look that tells me that you want me?
And all the reasons that make loving you so easy
The kiss that always makes it hard to breathe
The way you know just what I mean

I just can't live a lie.

Oh, I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
A promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

age old saying: "life's not fair".

When they were in highschool, ks got kb pregnant. Most people didn't know about it, it was kept pretty secret. But I did because ks was best friends with my sister. They kept it well hid, she did cyber school for a semester and then they gave the baby up for adoption. I respect that they gave the baby up to someone who so desperately wanted a child, people who had everything in the world but they couldn't have a child.
I found out yesterday that their daughter keelia died. She drowned in bahamas. It breaks my heart. I mean I would contemplate everything about how if I'd have kept the baby she wouldn't have been in bahamas etc. The adoptive parents must be devastated. I mean imagine fighting so hard for a child for so long and finally getting it and then less than five years later that baby girl is gone.

my thoughts exactly.

My eyes are so puffy I can barely see. I've cried that much today. Awesome hey.

heal me.

I need to be productive. Can someone please come give me a hug to make me feel better? About half an hour laying in bed just talking with number twelve would significantly increase my life. I don't even care about sex or a relationship or anything like that. I just want to have a conversation. Just lay in each others arms and talk and just feel better. I can't even explain how something as simple as a smile or a hug from him makes all the dark and grey in my world disappear.

bolddd statement.

v describes a project.
b: wow, that's lame.
v: lamer than stephen  hawkings legs.

unconsciously egotistical.

I forgot to remind myself that it isn't always about me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being selfish and self-centered.
I'm sorry for breaking your heart.
I'm sorry for not putting it back together.
I'm sorry for making you feel guilty.
I'm sorry for hurting you, over and over.
I'm sorry for not appreciating you like I should've.
I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it.
I'm just really sorry.

ego.

I guess she's right. When it comes down to number twelve I just always expected him to be there because he always was. I piled so much onto him and he just listened and gave good honest advice and all of it. I just took advantage of him. I did exactly to him what I always got frustrated about other people doing to me. Only he never complained or said a word, he just was always there. He always listened and always supported me. I made the last nine months all about me, how I felt, how sorry I was, how much I loved him. I never gave him the chance to speak or tell me how he felt. I was upset he never shared but I never gave him the chance.
I was so blinded by my own emotions that I let the one person that means the most to me completely suffer all the consequences. I let him slip out of my hands, out of my life. It is entirely my fault. I was so wrapped up in myself that I forgot about you.
I know it's not enough, but I really am sorry.

did you forget the magic?

how can you just walk on by without one tear in your eyes?
don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
maybe that's just your way of dealing with the pain,
forgetting everything between our rise and fall.

like we never loved at all.

i'm still living with your goodbye,
and you're just going on with your life.

yet somehow I care more about you than you'll ever fathom.

I'm selfish, egotistical, arrogant, a bad friend, I always make everything about me, I'm narcissistic. Wow, good day for me.

common denominator.

"People are going to disappoint you. I get that, I mean I kind of expect that. But what if you wake up one day and realize that you are the disappointment"

breaking point.

well you know your life is a fucking mess when you burst into tears in the middle of the library.

carrie.

when you figure out love is all that matters after all,
it sure makes everything else seem so small.

it's only half past the point of no return.

you're whole life waiting for a ring to prove,
you're not alone.

winter just wasn't my season.

and breathe,
just breathe.

nelson mandela.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is out light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask outselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is withing us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

thinking of you, and the way you look tonight.

"it doesn't make you noble to step away from something that isn't working, even if you thought you were the reason for the malfunction. especially then. it just made you a quitter. because if you were the problem, chances were you could be the solution. the only way to find out was to take another shot."

and he just doesn't care.

There is nothing left of me. I have so much to do and zero energy or ambition to do it. I have nothing at all left. All I do is think of him. Every single day. I want to be okay alone, I do; but I'm just not. I am sad and lonely and completely beyond exhausted all the time. I am slowly dying without him, withering away to nothing. I don't talk to anyone, I'm unintentionally pushing people away. It takes every inch of my being to just get up and get through the day. My family thinks I should go to a counsellor or take anti-depressants. But I know myself. These things won't fix me. They will just add new problems and dependancies. There is only one thing to fix me.

alexithymia.

I am so tired of this feeling. I just want it to stop. I want to feel something. Anything.

that's how I feel all the time.

melancholy.

funny, love's like that.

"I figure that if the rest of my life goes downhill from here,

if nothing goes right and I'm stuck on my deathbed wondering

what the high point in my life was, I can be comforted in the fact

that I probably loved you more than anything in the entire world.

that you were my high point".

inspire myself.

"The truth is, most of the time love doesn't need words. Love is just love. I think that love is terrifying. Not so much love, more that the someone you love won't love you back. Or that no matter how much you love them and they love you, it might not be enough. Love alone, is never enough".

you and me.

we loved with a love that was more than love.

-edgar allan poe.

don't let it fool ya about what's inside.

"the thing about her is it's really hard for her to let her guard down. but once she does, she has this incredible heart."

architecture.

I thought you should know I'm looking at study abroad programs. I'd love to go away for a semester. I've said before how much I'd adore studying somewhere in Europe where I could sit at a cappuccino shop drinking coffee and wine and indulging in excessive amounts of carbs. I would absolutely adore the architecture and the culture you'd experience with something like that. Plus on weekends and such you'd be able to travel to other countries(the train goes everywhere there) and I just am fascinated by Europe. I just would love something like that. Getting away, realizing what I really want and who's important in life. You know?

restlessness.

"Somehow, I can't escape my own sense of

f r a u d u l e n c e .

I don't belong wherever I am, and

I don't belong here."

I want to leave because I love you.

"love is what makes us know how much we're doomed to fail."

simple truths.

"be the change you wish to see in the world"

I cannot stress how much...

 I Love:
- my mom, my sister, princess s, daddy, b and c. love love love.
- number twelve
-  chocolate, ice cream, and things that are generally not good for your ass
- red wine
- the feeling after you've worked yourself so hard at the gym you feel like you're gonna be sick
- integrity
- working
- learning. I don't always love everything about school but I definitely love education
- good friends
- my puppies
- clean sheets (I just took my comforter out of the dryer so it's still warm and all my sheets are clean!)
- ncaa basketball (Duke in particular)
- music... I'd say excluding rap but let's be serious yelling about sluts and pimps and shooting people isn't really music
- true religion dark jeans and lulu lemon everything
- one tree hill
- socks and sandals
- expensive high heels that don't hurt your feet but radiate your confidence with a pair of jeans
- people who are so unbelievably strong it's mind blowing (s, that includes you)
- silent strength and courage (silent because they don't show it to most of the world; they're just THAT strong)
- writing
- tswift/ whatever I decide to blast in my vehicle with the windows down like it's rap music
- when things go exactly the way you'd like them to/ planned
-horoscopes
-tears; but only when they make you feel better
-hot tubs (especially with wine)
- humbleness and appreciation
- gerber daisies
- boys (and girls) who do nice things 'just because'
-the concept of love


I Hate:
- people who talk about others behind their back and then call them their best friend the next day
- people who are excessively fake for the wrong reasons (re: to impress someone or fit in)
- the concept of trust
- the concept of love
- seafood
- most of my former friends because they haven't grasped the concept of growing up
- when people do things for recognition instead of the sheer goodness of their heart
- when things go entirely against what you want and feel
- not being in control
- waiting
- UFC
- Days of our lives
-watching golf on television
- not getting enough sleep
- touch screen anything (sorry iPhone lovers)
- throwing away/ repeatedly intentionally hurting people you claim to love
- dishonesty/ disloyalty
- asking my parents for money
- poor grammar/ incorrect uses of words
- Valentine's Day
- feeling absolutely nothing at all
- the word moist
- the fact that there is so much hatred in this world

Gilda Radner

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

I believe; yet I'm terrified of trust.

God has the grace,
we just have to be willing to trust Him.

the old me's dead and gone.

i've been driving down this road too long,
just trying to find my way back home.

the stakes are high, the water's rough.

don't you worry your pretty little mind,
people throw rocks at things that shine; and
life makes love look hard.

this love is ours.

seems like there's always someone who disapproves,
they'll judge it like they know about me and you.
and the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do,
the jury's out; but my choice is you.

broken girls and boys.

was it just like those promises that you made, on our last night?

small things amuse.

Also, my roommate just came home and as he opened the door and ran down the stairs he yelled, "B!!!!!! I JUST SAW A MIDGET!!!!! A REAL LIVE ONE IN SAFEWAY!" My response was something along the lines of "haha awesome K. first time ever seeing one"? Apparently he hasn't seen one since he was like 8 years old so it was a really big deal.
Pathetic as it may be, that was probably the best part of my entire day.

it's not unusual.

I'm not doing very good. But I am doing a very good job at avoiding talking about what's bothering me... in case you couldn't tell by my not cryptic song lyrics. I suppose I'm just afraid that once I start it'll all pour out and then I will be one giant mess.

I'll know when I get there.

it's hard to tell just where you're at,

when you're looking for somethin' that ain't on a map;

I just gotta believe it's down that road

s o m e w h e r e .

the things you miss when you're chasing dreams.

I don't know if it's worth it,
And I don't know if I'm good enough;
All I know is I'm givin' it all I've got.

you can't run away from yourself.

could you look me in the eye,
and tell me that you're happy now?

when all your lies become your truths.

don't just walk away,
pretending everything's okay
and you don't care about me.

pull me from that pedastol, I don't belong there.

I always said that I would make mistakes.
I'm only human and that's my saving grace.
I'll fall as hard as I try, so don't be b l i n d e d .
See me as I really am,
I have flaws and sometimes I even sin.

I'm only human and that's my saving grace.

One thing is clear, I wear a halo when you look at me; but standing from here, you wouldn't say so. You wouldn't say so if you were me. And I, I just want to love you. Oh I,
I just want to love you.

I wear a halo when you look at me.

Why do you put me on a pedastol?
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below.
So help me down, you've got it wrong.
I don't belong there.

why do you put me on a pedastol?

I never promised you a ray of light.
I never promised there'd be sunshine every day.
I gave you everything I have,
the good, the bad.

i really needed to hear this.

"forgiveness is not an occasional act;
it is a permanent attitude"

a girl like you.

it scares me because

i know what the world can do to a girl that

only sees beauty in it.