Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever had to do.

Sometimes I think about all the things I've missed because of him. Other times I think about all the things I enjoyed because of him. Sometimes I just wish I knew what it all meant. What's the purpose? Why did I suffer like that? Why do I miss him every day? Why can I not move on? 

I think I'm just tired. Hating him is exhausting. Missing him is exhausting. Loving him is just the way that it is. 

Forgot to post this the other night.

I'm so proud of BR. Like I have always known he'd be an amazing teacher. He is the type if person you love as soon as you meet him. He's mature and responsible and carries himself very well. He has literally finished school a month and a week ago and has a full time job. That is so uncommon. He is going to do so well, I'm sure of it. He was up posed to be teaching spec Ed but instead he's at a high school now. He gets to teach social which will be good for him. I really miss social.

I'm thinking at least 2 years.

What is an acceptable time? I mean to contact him after no speaking. This isn't the movies. This isn't a love song or a romance novel. This is my life. How long am I supposed to love him without contacting him? A year? 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? How long are you supposed to love someone from afar?

Maybe I'm just naive, but I always believed there was no one who could take my place.

I think the hardest part is that I will love him forever. I will always smile when I see him. He will always make me laugh. There will always be a piece of me that belongs to him. Memories deep within me that are all because of him.

Scale back the analytical.

I had a dream last night about BR too. We were talking about some couple. I don't even know who. But we were talking about how it's weird they were together because there was this connection between _________ and _________ instead. And he looked at me and he said, "chemistry". And I was like what? He said, "Chemistry. That's what it is between them." I'm like yeah, I suppose that makes sense. And he's like, "Just because there's great chemistry doesn't mean it will make a great relationship. Like us for example. We have chemistry."
I woke up and I was kind of like that was a weird dream. But I mean, it makes sense to me. I think that it's really quite true. Chemistry is not the only contributing factor to a relationship. And the more I actually think about it, BR and I would not be a good couple because we are both too laid back. No one would step up and take control.
I think I needed a dream like that. I mean, we do have chemistry. Last night we're sitting at the table and all these people are coming into Tim's at like 9:30 and it was literally packed and we're like wtf hahaha. He looks at me and says, it's probably speed dating or something... any second some dude is going to tap my shoulder and tell me to beat it so he can talk to you. And I just laughed.
Yesterday afternoon I said I was going to the gym but we were planning to meet up and he's like sooo when are you going to clang and bang?
He just makes me laugh. We do have good chemistry. And we have a great friendship. I needed to have that dream to realize that sometimes it's okay to have great chemistry with a person. It can contribute to a great friendship.
I think sometimes I get so wrapped up in wanting to find someone that I force good things in my mind. I force friendships that are just great friendships because I just want someone to be next to me. I am not like "oh my gosh I need a boyfriend, I can't be alone, I am so lonely". But I do want to have a partner in my life and sometimes it'd just be nice to have that physical presence in my life. I am only 22, I recognize that I have lots of time left to find a future with a man but I'm still a human being and I get lonely sometimes and I long for that connection some days.

Gracious.

I went for coffee (if you can call it that) last night with BR. We went to Tim's and literally talked for 3 hours straight without any sort of drinks in hand. We just talked, and talked. It was so nice to catch up with him.
BR is that boy I've always connected with. There's a chemistry there. I remember meeting him my first day of PSI. He was in my class and I was like damn that guy's sexy. We spent every day together from 9am-4pm Monday to Friday. And we clicked immediately. We talked all the time when we weren't together and we just never lost things to talk about. He has been through a lot and it hasn't shaken him. His dad is gay, his brother has some special needs and still he is one of the most grounded people I have ever met. Nothing phases him. I've watched him sit through some pretty brutal conversations and while I know he's flustered with other people, he never says it. He never snaps, he is always calm.
I remember when I found out he had a gf. I was kind of devastated because he was just that perfect guy. He was intelligent, kind, funny, athletic with just enough asshole. Even TK was like what, he has a girlfriend? Most of the people in my class SN etc. were all shocked too because they were like but you guys are inseparable? It's funny because DVZ had a huge crush on him months before that. She never knew he had a girlfriend either.
He doesn't talk about R much. And I think that's how I know I could never make a relationship work with him. He never brought her to anything we'd do as a group. He never really spoke about her. And it's been explained to me that they're both just very secure in their relationship and that to them, it's no big deal. I've partied with them and I honestly love R. She is a great girl and I am so happy for them.
I think it's just more that there's always been that connection. We just click. And those kind of friendships are so rare. I just miss that. It is kind of like when TC and I were friends, or sunshine. It just clicked.

Breathe.

I struggle because I miss him and I don't want to. I think if I didn't I would wNt to miss him, to hold on. But I do miss him. And every day I wish that I didn't because I want to find someone new. I want to find a new love. 

Bell Let's Talk.

It is imperative that we talk about mental health. 

be lonely with me.

"When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone".
- Tennessee Williams

I let go. Maybe I shouldn't have.

It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well.

And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more.