He exists now only in my memory.

A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets. And now you know he saved me, in every way a person can be saved.

-Titanic

I sent him this today.

I apologize slightly for the last message. It probably seems very random to you. I don't need a reply to this, only for you to read it and think. I don't understand who you want me to be in your life. We're not friends, you don't just not talk to a friend for a month and message them two hours before their birthday. You know that's not fair especially not with our history. The way I see it is this, I am always going to be here to support you. I think you need to figure out if you want me to be a support in your life and even more you need to figure out if you want to be a support in mine. I have never stopped believing in us or in you. Why? Beats the absolute fuck out of me. I know that you haven't figured that out yet and that's okay. When you do, you know where to find me. Until then, I wish you the very best and I am always praying for you and believing in you even when you don't believe in yourself. When you struggle, know that there is always someone who loves you. While I cannot place the love I have for you in words, I deserve to be treated better than someone who is pulling on my heart an hour before my birthday. I deserve to be happy. And if you don't want to be a supportive part of my life and contributing to my happiness then don't be in my life at all. I love seeing you and speaking to you but I am not a doormat. When you're ready to treat me like a human being, a friend, you can contact me. Until then, good luck, be safe and have fun.

Boy Meets World.

"We're going to be together forever. And I know that. But you still need to find that out. You know where I'll be."

Only God knows why.

Goo to sleep.

Why am I wide a fucking wake right now. 

Love.

Some days I just don't understand. 

Story of my fucking life.

NEVER stop thinking about him, even for a moment because that's the moment he'll appear.
-Carrie Bradshaw

This guy.

How I feel.

Happiness is a condition, enjoy it while it lasts.

I feel good, happy. I have zero motivation in school which is a bit of a problem but I'll make it work, I always do.
I think I've finally found some people that build me up instead of tear me down. I thoroughly enjoyed last night with MV and TT. I always enjoy TT and MV and I have always gotten along. I suppose I just thing TT is similar to me. I like her mind. She can have in depth real conversations.
MV is a whole other story. He is just a kind, good guy. He is the boy you want to marry because you know he will always take care of you. I think last night I saw the real MV. I have always had some insight into his heart because he trusted me enough to show me but last night was another level.
Sometimes he comes off as a really big asshole, especially since he came home from Thailand. I attribute it to how much he's been around JD. I think it would be better for MV to realize that he should be the one setting the example and not following JD's example. Mostly, I just think he's like everyone else, struggling to find his place in the world, especially after graduating from University last spring. I think that puts you in a very tough position. I mean, what are you supposed to do when you graduate. Everyone tells you from when you're little that after high school you go to university but that's easy it's school to school. How are you supposed to transition to real life, to a job, a mortgage, a family?
No one prepares you for life's transitions. I think that's something missing. I don't think we should be educating students in geometry and algebra... We should be teaching them how to do taxes and how a mortgage works. We should teach them qualities of good relationships, hard work, communication, compromise.
I think sometimes it's hard to figure out who you are. I know it's hard to figure out who I am. But I realize that I'm happiest when I'm just with my friends and I let myself do fun things. Obligation will destroy you if you let it. So choose to be happy, Choose to have fun. Choose to stay up too late, to sleep in, to laugh and eat too much sugar and drink incredible wine. Choose to love yourself and your life and all the wonderful people in it.

Time to wife up.

A boy made all of this for me tonight. He made it just because. I honestly love that kid so much, he always makes me smile. I think it's just nice to have people in your life that bring you up. MV is one of those people. Based on the photo below you can tell he's a better wife than I will ever be. He made homemade red wine apple cider then he made homemade caramel popcorn, then he made home made stuffed apples with homemade caramel

And homemade vanilla whipped cream... Hello jackpot! Then we watched The Guardian. It was just such a nice night. I'm very grateful for some of my friends and the experiences I've been able to encounter recently.

To be yourself is all that you can do.

I realized something though. I have become much more content with who I am as a person. That night I said something like oh I hate C. And MV was like you know she's one my best friends right? And I was like I didn't know that but I could care less because it doesn't change my opinion of her. Not too long ago I would have probably said like... Oh I'm sorry he's just not my favourite person. But that's a lie. I just don't like her and I think she's fake, so I said exactly that. I don't care if she likes me and if that's gonna make MV or anyone else not like me then I probably don't need them in my life. 

Good friends is all you need.

Do you know those nights where you're the perfect drunk, you're having the best time but not too drunk, you don't have a terrible hangover, you just really have an amazing time? That was Saturday for me. I just had a really great and fun time. 

Late night thoughts.

It's sort of weird you know, NC. She was with DVZ last night and they were talking about me and I never really knew how NC felt about me when number twelve and I were dating. I mean she wasn't around much because she was already at university. But everytime she sees DVZ she always tells her how much she likese and how much she hates the way her brother treats me. It's just kind of weird you know, to have that kind of relationship with her. I guess it's hard because it sometimes feels like she's secretly hoping it'll work out for us. She always tells me to find a new boy because she wants me to be happy but I think she knows that I don't want another boy to makes happy, I want her brother who lives 2000 miles away in another country to contribute to my happiness. 

I will never hate you.

Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever had to do.