Saturday, April 20, 2013
Breaking point.
I had a breakdown last night. A bad one. Everything has just been piling up so bad and then JP and I kind of argued and I just sort of broke down because I wouldn't say what she think I said and I just can't lose anyone else right now. I'm broken. I don't think there's any other way to explain it. I just kind of started bawling. I was so upset I just broke down.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Falling apart as tears stream down my face.
I sometimes feel like my whole life is going to come crashing down at any given second.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
identity.
Ten Things About Yourself
1) I am incredibly insecure about my body.
2) I love my niece and nephews more than anything.
3) I don't think I really want to be a teacher.
4) I have a strong faith and I cannot explain it.
5) I am really unsure of who I want to be in this world, well more what I want to do.
6) I want to make a difference in the world, I want to do something big that means something. (How generic, doesn't everybody?)
7) I don't think I ever really want kids. At least, I didn't. Maybe I will change my mind someday.
8) I am really shallow yet non-judging at the same time. This is entirely contradictory, I know. On the surface, I am judgemental. I am shallow and make inappropriate jokes and don't always think about what I say before I say it. If someone truly confides in me, whether they are a best friend or someone I met five minutes ago, I won't judge them. I will give them my very honest opinion based solely on my experience and what they've told me.
9) I want to fall in love again; or, be loved unconditionally back.
10) I am grateful for everything I have been through in life. Especially the hard things. I am a strong person and I know it. And I'm strong because I've had to be. And so, I'm grateful for my strength even though it can be intimidating and sometimes lead me to excessive independence.
Nine Things You've Thought About Recently
1) Number Twelve.
2) Going far away once I graduate. Like overseas somewhere new.
3) A new job. I am surprisingly not stressed.
4) I want to be incredibly healthy and in the best shape of my life for NB and CK's wedding.
5) I just want to be finished school. Another year might be the death of me.
6) Mortality.
7) What I would do if I wasn't a teacher. Who would I be. Where would I go.
8) My sister, her relationship and my baby J. I just want B to be treated well.
9) Life is so incredibly precious. I lack understanding of youth dying. It's just too much.
Eight Ways to Win Your Heart
1) Give me smarties. I will love you forever.
2) Love me, unconditionally.
3) Play with my monkeys. Love them like I do.
4) Love my family, unconditionally. Put up with them without complaining because you love me.
5) Show me off to your friends. You should be proud to be with me and you should brag to everyone for how lucky you are to be with me. You can assure yourself that I will do the same.
6) Be able to make me feel better, just by being near me.
7) Cook for me. Make me delicious dinner and wine and just be able to be with me. No words necessary.
8) Treat me like a lady. Be nice to me, always. Speak with kindness and love. Open my door, wear a suit, take me on real dates. Then, hold me in your arms all night long.
Seven Favourite Songs You've Had
1) Fearless- Taylor Swift
2) I Want Crazy- Hunter Hayes
3) Jesus Take the Wheel- Carrie Underwood
4) She Thinks She Needs Me- Andy Griggs
5) Inaudible Melodies- Jack Johnson
6) Every Time I Hear Your Name- Keith Anderson
7) I Almost Do- Taylor Swift
Six Things You Do Before Bed
1) Brush My Teeth
2) Wash My Face
3) Say I Love You to my family.
4) Pray.
5) Overanalyze absolutely everything.
6) Usually watch TV of some sort.
Five Things You Wish You Could Say to Five Different People Right This Very Moment
1) You are probably one of the strongest people I ever met. I love you and I am so incredibly proud of you. You are without a doubt amazing. You made an incredible baby and you are an incredible mom. I believe in you and I will always be here for you.
2) I love you. I'm sorry but I just have nothing left to give.
3) I'm pretty disappointed in you as a friend. I really wish that one day you would grow up. I hate your boyfriend and I will never ever support your relationship. I will never support your future with him. He is scum and you deserve so much better. Our friendship will never return to its full potential as long as he's in your life.
4) You are strong and beautiful and full of potential. Belief in yourself. Be kind to yourself. Everything will work out in the end.
5) I have no problem with your girlfriend, except for the fact that she is always here. I think she's nice, nothing she does bothers me. I just hate having three people here. It's too much, it's uncomfortable. I don't like it.
Four Things You're Doing Right Now
1) Watching One Tree Hill.
2 Texting my sister.
3) Thinking about how much I'm procrastinating.
4) Thinking I should go to bed.
Three Things You're Scared Of
1) Not being enough.
2) Not accomplishing anything of worth. Not living life to its fullest.
3) Never finding what I'm looking for. Never figuring out what I'm looking for.
Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1) Make a difference.
2) Be loved as unconditionally as I love.
One Confession
1) I do not live my life to its fullest and I wish I did.
1) I am incredibly insecure about my body.
2) I love my niece and nephews more than anything.
3) I don't think I really want to be a teacher.
4) I have a strong faith and I cannot explain it.
5) I am really unsure of who I want to be in this world, well more what I want to do.
6) I want to make a difference in the world, I want to do something big that means something. (How generic, doesn't everybody?)
7) I don't think I ever really want kids. At least, I didn't. Maybe I will change my mind someday.
8) I am really shallow yet non-judging at the same time. This is entirely contradictory, I know. On the surface, I am judgemental. I am shallow and make inappropriate jokes and don't always think about what I say before I say it. If someone truly confides in me, whether they are a best friend or someone I met five minutes ago, I won't judge them. I will give them my very honest opinion based solely on my experience and what they've told me.
9) I want to fall in love again; or, be loved unconditionally back.
10) I am grateful for everything I have been through in life. Especially the hard things. I am a strong person and I know it. And I'm strong because I've had to be. And so, I'm grateful for my strength even though it can be intimidating and sometimes lead me to excessive independence.
Nine Things You've Thought About Recently
1) Number Twelve.
2) Going far away once I graduate. Like overseas somewhere new.
3) A new job. I am surprisingly not stressed.
4) I want to be incredibly healthy and in the best shape of my life for NB and CK's wedding.
5) I just want to be finished school. Another year might be the death of me.
6) Mortality.
7) What I would do if I wasn't a teacher. Who would I be. Where would I go.
8) My sister, her relationship and my baby J. I just want B to be treated well.
9) Life is so incredibly precious. I lack understanding of youth dying. It's just too much.
Eight Ways to Win Your Heart
1) Give me smarties. I will love you forever.
2) Love me, unconditionally.
3) Play with my monkeys. Love them like I do.
4) Love my family, unconditionally. Put up with them without complaining because you love me.
5) Show me off to your friends. You should be proud to be with me and you should brag to everyone for how lucky you are to be with me. You can assure yourself that I will do the same.
6) Be able to make me feel better, just by being near me.
7) Cook for me. Make me delicious dinner and wine and just be able to be with me. No words necessary.
8) Treat me like a lady. Be nice to me, always. Speak with kindness and love. Open my door, wear a suit, take me on real dates. Then, hold me in your arms all night long.
Seven Favourite Songs You've Had
1) Fearless- Taylor Swift
2) I Want Crazy- Hunter Hayes
3) Jesus Take the Wheel- Carrie Underwood
4) She Thinks She Needs Me- Andy Griggs
5) Inaudible Melodies- Jack Johnson
6) Every Time I Hear Your Name- Keith Anderson
7) I Almost Do- Taylor Swift
Six Things You Do Before Bed
1) Brush My Teeth
2) Wash My Face
3) Say I Love You to my family.
4) Pray.
5) Overanalyze absolutely everything.
6) Usually watch TV of some sort.
Five Things You Wish You Could Say to Five Different People Right This Very Moment
1) You are probably one of the strongest people I ever met. I love you and I am so incredibly proud of you. You are without a doubt amazing. You made an incredible baby and you are an incredible mom. I believe in you and I will always be here for you.
2) I love you. I'm sorry but I just have nothing left to give.
3) I'm pretty disappointed in you as a friend. I really wish that one day you would grow up. I hate your boyfriend and I will never ever support your relationship. I will never support your future with him. He is scum and you deserve so much better. Our friendship will never return to its full potential as long as he's in your life.
4) You are strong and beautiful and full of potential. Belief in yourself. Be kind to yourself. Everything will work out in the end.
5) I have no problem with your girlfriend, except for the fact that she is always here. I think she's nice, nothing she does bothers me. I just hate having three people here. It's too much, it's uncomfortable. I don't like it.
Four Things You're Doing Right Now
1) Watching One Tree Hill.
2 Texting my sister.
3) Thinking about how much I'm procrastinating.
4) Thinking I should go to bed.
Three Things You're Scared Of
1) Not being enough.
2) Not accomplishing anything of worth. Not living life to its fullest.
3) Never finding what I'm looking for. Never figuring out what I'm looking for.
Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1) Make a difference.
2) Be loved as unconditionally as I love.
One Confession
1) I do not live my life to its fullest and I wish I did.
99 problems.
Okay funny story. High school kids are so funny sometimes. There's a kid in my 30 class and we're talking about Martin Luther. Now if you know anything about Luther, he's basically the founder of the Protestant religion. He posted his 95 Thesis on the door of the Catholic Church.
So we're like, "does anybody know who this Martin Luther guy is?"
And this grade twelve kid goes, ya he's the one with 99 problems right?
Literally, almost died laughing. My teacher associate (a tall, loud, Italian football coach) starts laughing and then stops dead and goes, I think you just confused Luther with Jay-Z. The whole class just cracked up. But guaranteed, forever and ever, those kids will remember who Luther is.
So we're like, "does anybody know who this Martin Luther guy is?"
And this grade twelve kid goes, ya he's the one with 99 problems right?
Literally, almost died laughing. My teacher associate (a tall, loud, Italian football coach) starts laughing and then stops dead and goes, I think you just confused Luther with Jay-Z. The whole class just cracked up. But guaranteed, forever and ever, those kids will remember who Luther is.
I like the way it hurts.
I can't tell you what it is, I can only tell you what it feels like.
And at night it's a steel knife in my wind pipe.
And at night it's a steel knife in my wind pipe.
Did you know?
Know what's funny... well funny is poor taste of a word choice but ironic kind of. The United States had one of the smallest percentage of African slaves and they basically claim they are like the creators of slavery. It's weird because something like only 10 percent of African slaves were even sent to the Americas. Slaves were being traded by European countries for years and years and years before any Europeans even knew the Americas existed. It just reinforces the ignorance of many Americans and how they are of course, the pioneers of everything.
Whoopsie.
Tomorrow I am being a combination of the best/laziest teacher ever. I am starting my class with an Anchorman clip aka AWESOME. But I'm also spending the majority of my class letting my students just work on a textbook worksheet because tomorrow is LCB and so I am going to be lazy and allow them to just work away so I can PTFO as soon as the day is over and I can drink Sangria and Jello shots and mimosas. This is the first year I won't have started drinking at like 8am hahahahaha
calm.
I wrote the last letter last night. After 2 years, 8 months, 2 weeks and 4 days. I just had to let it go. It's weird the calm that set over me. I think that's my greatest surprise. I'm just so tired and empty. I fought for almost three years. I gave everything for almost three years and there's just nothing left.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Identity
"To be nobody but yourself in a world that is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."
-E.E. Cummings
-E.E. Cummings
Nelson Mandela.
Forgiveness liberates us all. It removes fear; that is why it is such a powerful weapon.
I gave you absolutely everything.
I'm watching Grey's and usually in love scenes and longing scenes my heart aches. Not just in Grey's but in all shows. My heart doesn't ache today though. It can't ache.
It's been exactly 2 years, 8 months, 2 weeks and 5 days since everything went down with sofa king. Which means 2 years, 8 months, 2 weeks and 3 days since number twelve and I officially broke up. And somehow, today it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt because there is absolutely nothing left of me to hurt. I have him everything I had.
It's been exactly 2 years, 8 months, 2 weeks and 5 days since everything went down with sofa king. Which means 2 years, 8 months, 2 weeks and 3 days since number twelve and I officially broke up. And somehow, today it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt because there is absolutely nothing left of me to hurt. I have him everything I had.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Get a grip and bite your lip just to save a little face.
Go and fix your makeup, girl it's just a break-up.
Run and hide your crazy and start acting like a lady,
'cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together even when you fall apart
but this ain't my momma's broken heart.
Run and hide your crazy and start acting like a lady,
'cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together even when you fall apart
but this ain't my momma's broken heart.
self-conscious.
I'm in a really funny place. I went to the gym tonight and I already feel like a million times better. I cleaned my room today, well tidied it, and did laundry. I also bought groceries yesterday so I can eat good food and feel better because I feel like balls lately.
I don't know why I do this to myself. I try to rationalize not going to the gym or whatever because I'm tired when in actuality, every time I go to the gym I have more energy and I feel a million times better. I eat better because I don't want to waste my work outs and I don't want to be the fat girl at the gym.
It's really hard for me to talk about weight and size and eating etc. because I had/have an eating disorder. I say have because I'm not entirely sure you ever really get rid of an eating disorder. It is a constant mental battle every single day of my life.
I'm not a tiny girl, I never ever have been and I am extremely self conscious about it. I don't think very many people realize it but I am extremely, extremely self-conscious of my size. I am a tall girl and I was built athletically. I am not built skinny or tiny even in the slightest. I'm almost 5'9" and in the most muscular point in my life I weighed 165-170 lbs. I know that I was strong, but that is just such a high weight for a female.
If you know my build, it might make more sense, but when girls talk about being like 120-130lbs, I cringe. I would love to say I weight 140 lbs. But even when I was extremely anorexic I was about 140-145 lbs. If I weighed 120-130 lbs it would honestly be disgusting. I would be one of those girls who you looked at and would be like wow that girl needs to eat a cheeseburger. I would be unattractively skinny. I think that's what the hardest part for me is. I know that that's unhealthy and that I could never actually be that weight and function in daily life. It's still incredibly tough for me to know that at my strongest weight I was 165lbs. Most people would never ever expect that I weigh that much and I know that I view myself in an entirely different light that most people, and reality. I have just never been the pretty girl. I have never been the skinny girl. The girl with nice hair or teeth or skin.
I have always been one of the guys. Most girls and guys are afraid of me and make the "she could beat the shit out of you" jokes. And I play along sometimes but at the same time it's hard because it would be nice to just be a girl sometimes. It would be nice to be seen as a female, a sexual being, a women, pretty instead of one of the guys.
I have just never really felt 'pretty'. I don't even know how to describe what 'pretty' is. I have never felt 'beautiful' or 'sexy'. I am just not that girl. I am simple and plain and average. And I think that's the hard part. I think that's why I play along with the 'one of the guys' label. At least, if I'm one of the guys, I'm different, unique from most girls.
I just think it's really hard to be a girl in this world. As much as it's becoming trendier to be a curvy women again, the core of my childhood and adolescent was focused on girls being skinny sex objects in the media. And I'm just not one.
I have been told by a few people to work in the lounge at the Mox because I have big boobs and long legs. I just don't know if I'm confident enough with myself to do that. Number twelve has been telling me for over a year to work in the lounge because he thinks that I will make unbelievable money. But to me, I just feel like he has to say that. And TK always tells me that too but I feel like she's one of my best friends... she has to say that too.
I don't know why I do this to myself. I try to rationalize not going to the gym or whatever because I'm tired when in actuality, every time I go to the gym I have more energy and I feel a million times better. I eat better because I don't want to waste my work outs and I don't want to be the fat girl at the gym.
It's really hard for me to talk about weight and size and eating etc. because I had/have an eating disorder. I say have because I'm not entirely sure you ever really get rid of an eating disorder. It is a constant mental battle every single day of my life.
I'm not a tiny girl, I never ever have been and I am extremely self conscious about it. I don't think very many people realize it but I am extremely, extremely self-conscious of my size. I am a tall girl and I was built athletically. I am not built skinny or tiny even in the slightest. I'm almost 5'9" and in the most muscular point in my life I weighed 165-170 lbs. I know that I was strong, but that is just such a high weight for a female.
If you know my build, it might make more sense, but when girls talk about being like 120-130lbs, I cringe. I would love to say I weight 140 lbs. But even when I was extremely anorexic I was about 140-145 lbs. If I weighed 120-130 lbs it would honestly be disgusting. I would be one of those girls who you looked at and would be like wow that girl needs to eat a cheeseburger. I would be unattractively skinny. I think that's what the hardest part for me is. I know that that's unhealthy and that I could never actually be that weight and function in daily life. It's still incredibly tough for me to know that at my strongest weight I was 165lbs. Most people would never ever expect that I weigh that much and I know that I view myself in an entirely different light that most people, and reality. I have just never been the pretty girl. I have never been the skinny girl. The girl with nice hair or teeth or skin.
I have always been one of the guys. Most girls and guys are afraid of me and make the "she could beat the shit out of you" jokes. And I play along sometimes but at the same time it's hard because it would be nice to just be a girl sometimes. It would be nice to be seen as a female, a sexual being, a women, pretty instead of one of the guys.
I have just never really felt 'pretty'. I don't even know how to describe what 'pretty' is. I have never felt 'beautiful' or 'sexy'. I am just not that girl. I am simple and plain and average. And I think that's the hard part. I think that's why I play along with the 'one of the guys' label. At least, if I'm one of the guys, I'm different, unique from most girls.
I just think it's really hard to be a girl in this world. As much as it's becoming trendier to be a curvy women again, the core of my childhood and adolescent was focused on girls being skinny sex objects in the media. And I'm just not one.
I have been told by a few people to work in the lounge at the Mox because I have big boobs and long legs. I just don't know if I'm confident enough with myself to do that. Number twelve has been telling me for over a year to work in the lounge because he thinks that I will make unbelievable money. But to me, I just feel like he has to say that. And TK always tells me that too but I feel like she's one of my best friends... she has to say that too.
this world is hard, don't let it make you bitter.
"Let your past make you better, not bitter."
I don't know who said/wrote that but I love it.
I don't know who said/wrote that but I love it.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Nerd alert.
I'm so lame. Hahaha I totally have retainers in right now. I feel like I'm a fucking nerdy fourteen year old again.
absolute truth.
Perhaps we give the best of our hearts uncritically-to those who hardly think of us in return.
-T.H. White
-T.H. White
This should be a job?
I kind of just want to go to University forever. Can I just take undergraduate classes in everything?
I'm the type of person who, when I'm old and retired or rich, I will just take classes that are interesting for fun not for credit. I love learning and knowledge and I would take undergraduate classes forever if someone would pay me to.
I'm the type of person who, when I'm old and retired or rich, I will just take classes that are interesting for fun not for credit. I love learning and knowledge and I would take undergraduate classes forever if someone would pay me to.
Oh life.
I'm in a funny space right now. There is an overwhelming amount on my mind and nothing on my mind at the same time. I have so many things I want to do in my life. I am thinking of getting two jobs for the summer while I'm going to school. I know I sound absolutely crazy. I am just looking forward to being in Leth I think because no one is here so I have the opportunity to really work on myself.
I am looking forward to being healthy and I'm looking into maybe taking a yoga class or something just for me. I think that's something I really lack in my life here, something just for me.
I am looking for another job because I don't think that I can spend all summer at Moxie's. I don't want to be miserable all summer. I want to work somewhere that I enjoy. I want to be happy when I go to work.
I am looking forward to school. I think my classes will be good haha one is an English Poetry class which I'm pretty nervous about but I love the prof so that's the most important part. I am also looking at taking two online classes which would be ideal because then I could get rid of one of my classes which would provide a more open availability and make my fall easier.
I think there's just so much going on with everything in the last week. I think everything with BB's funeral and seeing all those people. I also am in a very weird place after visiting number twelve on Thursday night. I am just kind of over being treated like this. I think I am going to send him his box of letters and sweater and just tell him that I just cannot be involved at all unless he wants to be completely involved. I cannot and will not do the half assed bullshit anymore. I'm just at the point where I'm not giving up, I just don't have anything left to give. He has everything and I just don't know what else to do but to completely release where I stand and leave it up to him to pursue if he wants to leave it forever.
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