a few words and a lighter heart.

So this morning based on my horoscope I kind of got the courage to tell number twelve that we needed to talk about everything. i got the courage to tell him it wasn't okay to treat me like he has been. And it's not okay to use me. I think that's one of the first times and few times I've ever really stood up for myself and said it how I saw it. I can stand up for everyone else, but when it comes to me I just kind of let people use me.
So I told him that we needed to talk or we were goign to have the conversation at the wrong time in the wrong place and he would likely end up embarrassed. He picked me up around for and we went for like a half hour drive. Then we sat outside my house in his car for another hour and a half just talking. And for the first time in a long time, we were both completely sober, speaking honestly about ourselves and our relationship and everything in between. It was really nice to just talk, you know. I mean I feel like we got a lot out in the open and we can move forward in our relatinoship. Not like a dating relationship just like the relationship that two people have with each other, you know? We opened up some old wounds and we closed some other ones. It was just a really good heart to heart discussion of where we're at.
And there are things that I worry about for him and don't agree with but at the end of the day, I love him and I'm really proud of how far he's come. I proud of who he is, who he wants to be and why. I understand why he's been the way he's been. And I just really want him to be happy in life.
I have to go meet DM before he leaves for Europe tomorrow for coffee and then I'm going to the gym. But for the first time in a long time, I'm going to the gym to work out instead of forget everything else.

just because.

And every day I ask myself,
why am I so absolutely, indefinitely, unconditionally
in love with that boy?

complicated situations only get worse in the morning light.

I am just such a mess. I'm so sick and I got sent home from work tonight (which is probably good considering I work in a restaurant). But I am just feeling so awful. I started crying on my way home because when I used to get sick, all I wanted was my mommy to make me girl cheese (yes I know it is grilled) and chicken noodle soup and watch disney movies and drink ginger ale. But today, all I want is for number twelve to come and hold me in his arms and tell me I'm going to be okay.
Is that how you know you love somebody? When the one person that gave you birth and comforted you your whole life has been replaced as first choice and the one person that you feel empty and broken without is the first person that comes to mind.. is that how you know you truly love someone?
I'm just sitting here, bawling again because I'm so madly in love with a boy that is afraid to love me back.

take a picture it'll last longer.

I totally forgot about saturday. So last night I worked for a bit and I was so tired but I decided to go to HM's going away party. So I went to Post Time for a bit and it was so nice to see some old friends. But the funniest thing happened.
I saw number twelve's cousin TW there and I was like oh fuck perfect. I do not want to deal with number twelve tonight. I was sober though so I was like oh well if he shows up I'll just leave. So AP came with TW and he's like OHHHHH MY GOSH BBBBB!!!!!! I haven't seen you lately. I've been looking for you at the gym. Your so sexy blah blah hitting on me so hard core right in front of TW who is at this point just rolling his eyes going shutt up. And so he keeps going on about it all night around TW and it was just hilarious I thought.
Also, I got the pleasure of seeing NH and number twelve's other friends as I was leaving. FUCK I HATE HER. They all just like stared at me and I wanted to be like take a fucking picture it'll last longer.
Speaking of taking a fucking picture on thursday night sofaking's brother came to the golf course. Keep in mind that sofaking is who I cheated on number twelve with and the suspect of my assault. I haven't seen or spoken to him since november. So as his brother walked in I became instantly nauseas. I was so shaken up it wasn't even funny. I didn't know what to do because I was so afraid of sofaking showing up. Anyways H served them for me and he didn't show up but it definitely set me off balance a bit. But all night while i was serving tables his brother just like stared at me and I was like take a picture buddy.

shine on.

never gonna grow up,

never gonna slow down,

we were shining like lighters

in the dark in the middle of a rock show.

something beautiful.

I finally had a really good weekend. I remembered how it felt to just be genuinely happy. To absolutely and completely immerse myself in a good, happy place and just indulge in fun and happiness and thoroughly enjoy the little things.
On Friday I went to tswift. She was surprisingly unreal and she puts on a really good show. We ordered a bottle of champagne up to our room while we got ready. Then we had some drinks and dinner and went to the concert. Afterwards we went to earls and then we went out to the bar. It was just a really good time. I felt pretty, I had fun. It was super enjoyable and I just felt good the whole night. I felt pretty and happy and myself again. We met up with goudy and friends of b's and it was just so nice to have zero drama.

Also, sunshine was texting me for like three hours that night wtf.  Today I went for lunch with the fam after work and then I went to the beach with phlg and ps and ck. It was really fun and just nice to bask. We played football and frisbee and volleyball for like 3 hours in the water. It was perfect.

Also, download all the music you can find by the band NEEDTOBREATHE. They are absolutely incredible.