slide.

i wanna wake up where you are;
i won't say anything at all.

i know it's never been your nature.

you've put yourself in danger cause you're playing with my heart.

profound.

i'm pretty sure that i knew all along he didn't do it. but in a way i kind of wanted to believe he did. i'm always trying to sabotage my happiness because then i can't get hurt. if i ruin it, no one else can. and that just seems so much easier than giving someone else the power to break your heart. and i think that i wanted to believe it's not real and we shouldn't see how it could be because there are so many things to go wrong. and today dragon was like no, you're hurting yourself. every time you push him away the two of you are just breaking your own hearts. not giving it a chance is just breaking your hearts because you both want to know what it could be like because you believe it could really be great.

wow. i feel stupid.

so maybe instead of behing mad for four days i shoud've just talked to him. no, that'd have been far too easy. so today i finally lost it. and he was like um believe what you want but i didn't do that; i specifically remember you asking me not to. and then i was like oh damn (perhaps a more foul word) dragon was right.

alright.

ps i don't really swear often i'm just really quite upset. i apologize. i'm just so flustered i have been avoiding studying because i'm just so angry and i want to talk to you but i didn't feel i should have to initiate conversation after that. and really i shouldn't have. and yeah i get you're trying to sabotage it and so am i (dragon made that pretty clear tonight) but i think we should both just grow up. i'm willing to try and see what we can do together, despite everything. so whad'ya say... on the count of two.

fuck you make me mad.

what was the point of that conversation. that's what i'd like to know. we haven't talked since tuesday, mature; i know. but still like what was the point of that conversation. you learned i'm still mad at you? like obviously i'm still mad at you but that doesn't mean we need to be immature and not talk about it. i believe you are the one that told me you don't just ignore someone and stop talking everytime things get tough. seriously that conversation was a waste of my time. if you want to know why i'm mad or what you can do to fix it, ask. don't just say hi and try and pretend i'm not mad. seriously. you can't even blame me a little bit for being mad about that. it is completely rational in my and everyone else's opinion. so maybe stop trying to drag out the fight and tell me what the heck you want from this instead of sleeping with other girls and lying so that you can push me away just like i am trying to use this as an out to not recognize i have feelings for you. fuck.

i hate this awkward small talk.

eh
hi
how are you
fine and you
good
good
yeah

she's wants to drive your truck with no place to go.

she needs to feel that fire; the one that lets her know for sure,
she's everything you want and more.

and he wonders, why wouldn't you just talk to me?

i can lie to myself better than i can lie to you.

they know you're the one i wanna give it to.

they heard i was good;
they wanna see if it's true.

i should've done the same.

i told him to pleaaasseeee take care of his heart.

taurus.

yet, so incredibly amazing.

cosmopolitan.

i just wanna know what the sitch is. and yet he knows i'm choked with him and he knows i'm not talking for a reason and he also knows he's more stubborn than i am. and that's so frustrating for me. i just don't really understand why he does this. i know he needs to know i care. but we both show it in really different yet subtle ways. neither of us are like bam some fancy way of saying we care. and today, i got the new cosmo and it's stupid because i'm a pretty big believer in astrology and we are like as compatible as can be. and that's not the first time i've read that. i find that incredibly frustrating because i always find myself falling for the taurus boys. and i hate it because they are incredibly flustering.

i got tired of waiting.

i wish he'd say something; anything.

this is just a dream.

this can't be happening to me.

love is a lie.

maybe i'm just really grumpy but i'm having some real trouble with the idea of love. i don't even believe in it anymore. i just don't see how love could possibly work. i thought i was so in love with someone for 4 years. he could make me smile with a single word, or a song, or even seeing his truck. he knew something was wrong before it was and he could fix it with a few words. it was exactly the way love's supposed to be. and then we stopped talking and now i don't even consider crying when i hear the song he learned to play the day after i told him it was my favorite. it doesn't even phase me when i hear the song he rewrote half the lyrics to so it would suit us better. how can love be real.
and then i see a couple who's been together for over a year and a half and she just basically dropped him. and you could see just by the way the looked at each other that they were in love, or what loev is supposed to be. and then in a moment it's just done. and it doesn't even seem to phase her. and i just can't comprehend it. we hurt the people we love most and feel nothing. that cannot be love. love must be some ridiculous notion we make up to just find something to believe in.
and it sounds like a big painful waste of time.

i'm have no heart anymore.

i got through both never be another and she thinks she needs me today without a single tear shed. wow. it really is over.

a tear rolled down her face.

"how was i supposed to know, she was slowly letting go.
if i was putting her through hell, hell i couldn't tell.
she could've given me a sign and opened up my eyes.
how was i supposed to see; she never cried in front of me."

kraft singles.

so i'm not feeling very well and i am laying in my bed thinking how amazing chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese will make me feel. so i finally get upstairs and i'm like aw, no white bread(girl cheese is like the only thing the REQUIRES white bread) so i'm like well i really, really want one i'll have to live with brown bread. and then i go into the fridge and there's no cheese slices. i am now about to have chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese; hold the grilled cheese. i'm actually quite upset about it and it really shouldn't be this upsetting.

johnny and june.

i tried sober, i tried drinking;
i've been strong and i've been weak.
but i still miss you.

it bit me!

oh did i mention jeeps are evil? i got out of big brother's keep tonight and like killed my leg. it's bruised a stupid amount and it's ripped half the skin off through my jeans. yep, sweet; i love scars.

addition.

so funny story. i've only met said new boy(baby ings) once and it was quite some time ago. the situation happened like this.
so i walk in the front door of my sister's house and say hi and i know all of them but one. so ings is like baby baxt this is my little brother, a. and of course baxt is like baby baxt, baby ings, baby ings, baby baxt. oh ps. you two are going to get married one day.
so a little awkward to say the least, especially as i'm wearing my lovely glasses and look like i just rolled out of bed. i don't even remember what he looks like but meh could be an interesting story.

volleyball.

so what do we think of volleyball players? ings little brother plays on the team and my sister(baxt) and ings just think it would be the most grand thing ever. and apparently last night baby ings was like tell her to come over. how do i catch her eye, win her heart. like how cute is that. plus he's a year older so hopefully a little more mature. and his brother is so sexy and like so nice and just like unreal. like love him. soo maybe it's worth a try?
i'm only nervous because most rdc volleyball players are douchebags. like so unbelievably arrogant and just i'm so sweet i walk around in spandex. fyi, not sweet.

if only i could take your hurt away.

i actually had a pretty good night; saw baxt's new pad, had supper with the other sister, casino with big brother, wings with him and the wife, billy's sober watching funny friends, driving the fam, chatting with gg. oh and getting hit on like 400 times tonight while i was wearing my jeans, hoodie and hair in a ponytail; wash and go is a great look some days. (or not shower haha.) i honestly got asked to dance like 4 times in a 10 minute span at blarney. then at billy's, couldn't even count. and claw. but that's common and i heart him. and you know, angry as i am a number twelve, i just still couldn't hurt him like last time. which kind of sucks because stirling is really really sexy and said i was a good luck charm. how great does that sound?

the time i wish i could lie.

i just don't really understand how you can be with someone else like while you were still with him and right after. one of my best friends is a mess because his girlfriend(on a break; who i'm good friends with too) is with another boy. breaking hearts isn't a game. he was like bud i just don't know what to do. i have always told him to take care of his heart. and tonight when i said it again, he said i'll try, but it's hurting a little. and hearing him say that while he's 5 hours away and i'm watching her with the other guy just breaks my heart.

stupid girl, i should've known, i should've known.

you're so naive.

and you wonder why i keep my mouth shut.

"Trying to hide your feelings from someone? Well, then, run like the wind, and avoid them at all costs. If you happen to catch their eye, there'll be no secrets."

virgo.

"Your minor setbacks today shouldn't set you off into a frenzy of worry or hyperactivity. Just take it all in stride and see what comes next -- you're sure to find that life gets better soon enough."

i told you i'm not bulletproof; now you know.

i know that you see what you're doing to me, tell me why.

three letters. w h y.

i just don't understand.

best replacement.

if anyone had to replace sunshine and big brother in the tripod; i'd pick you indefinitely.

sofaking.

i'm really stoked i have my tmgs back. we used to be really close. we'd talk everyday and for some reason, i've never been afraid to confide in him. he used to call me every day and tell me all the things he wishes he had, ask for girl advice, and tell me when he messed up. i'll never forget the maui call. the text saying b, i fucked up. i really need to talk to you. and the phone ringing two minutes later. i really love that kid to death. he always tried to tell me how afraid sunshine was. and that he truly believed sunshine loved me like no other. and maybe that was the false reassurance that kept me around. but at the same time, it was comforting to know that sunshine's best friend could see it too. there was never like a this is awkward kind of thing between us. we just made it work because i was close with sunshine and he was close with sunshine and he was with sichface and i was good friends with her and friends intertwined from there. i think the reason i love the kid so much is because he's so honest, and yet not at all. honest to me. he makes me laugh. he knows me. we can talk. and we can just have a genuinely good time without it being awkward. there's some sort of trust that makes it okay. i am really excited to have this back. yes, sunshine and i aren't friends and right now he isn't with km but i think this might be another time to rekindle our friendship. like when i used to see him in the hallways, he'd stop or move people out of the way so i could have a hug. if he saw me, he knew i had a bad day. if he read a text message, he could tell if i was lying; let alone a phone call. lately we have been hanging out more often but i'm just really glad to have such a great friend back. especially since we can be chill whenever but when we need each other, we're both here. like tonight he's like do you wanna tell me or no. just so supportive and so respectful of the privacy he knows i appreciate. anyways. i just am happy to have him back.

words i couldn't say.

i wanna be with you.

the angel sang a whiskey lullaby.

nobody knew how much she blamed herself. for years and years; she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath. she finally drank her pain away a little at a time but she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind.

count your blessings.

i'd like to point out that i have some really, really amazing friends. like today dragon and i talked for like almost 2 hours and we just can talk about anything. i really love her. and then i went and had supper with mlr and her momma and mal. and they just made me laugh. and then gg was like bb! and we hung out with hot b and others and like before i left gg gave me like 7 hugs because he knew i was really upset. and then i got home and tmgs bbm'd me and was like bud. what's wrong and we like talked all about why i was so upset and he's like bud that's so shitty. i know you aren't together and you kinda expected it but that was still a shitty thing to do, especially to you because he just knows that i really don't ask a lot. he knows i pretty much let him do whatever he wants and he told me that just wasn't a cool thing to do. and then we decided we can both drink our sorrows away together and make things better. and then brando just like made me laugh. he doesn't even try to make me feel better, he just beaks; as do i. and somehow we end up laughing in the most not funny, inappropriate times. i guess i'm just saying i'm really really thankful for the friends i have.

why does love always feel like a battlefield.

i can't even believe this week. there has been sooo many people breaking up. tmgs and km broke up.. or are "on a break". as did brando and hjr. and then ps and his girlfriend broke up. like i told dragon today that if her and kodiak broke up this week i wouldn't know what to do.

ps.

i never spelt my name wrong; brando refers to me as brook.

the one that always makes me laugh.

ahahahahaha admist my trying to be mad brando gets me everytime. he asked me what was wrong because about 98 percent of the time i'm like happy and fun and he wondered where my cleverness/wit and cockyness went.
i told him i was mad at number 12 because he just loves to drive me up the wall.
he's like man i never knew you guys did that!!!
haha and he did the ONE thing i asked him not to.
he's like really brook, you're setting yourself up.

was she worth this mess?

i can't resist.
before you go tell me this;
was she worth it, was she worth this?

this wasn't a challenge.

why did you have to do the one thing i asked you not to?

if you look a little closer.

i'm so mad i might tell you that it's over.

you lied.

you said you weren't going to break my heart.

you were the one that said he's not me.

all through this i was afraid of you and the way that you make me feel. and you knew that before and you did everything you could to make sure that didn't happen.
and i hurt you, i know i did. and i'm sorry, it wasn't my intention, i was just afraid.
but now i just wonder if this is some sort of sick revenge. i wonder if you're really not who i believed you were but instead you were who they said you were. i just don't really know what to think anymore. i thought i knew you but i don't know anymore.

you always told me to be honest.

as i said before i am not a very demanding person. but i demand honesty. i don't think that asking for the truth, no matter how cold, hard or painful it is; is really too much to ask. and for all of you people who think that by lying you're protecting my feelings; you aren't. i am going to find out. for one, this is a very small town. and just because you don't live here anymore, doesn't mean people don't have my back. i am pretty well friends with most people and maybe it's because i can hear the truth and just accept it or maybe it's the fact i'm approachable, i don't know whatever it is, people tell me things. secrets, insecurities, failures, dreams, mistakes. i hear about it all and you yourself know that.

i can't even look at you.

did i mention that i had to hear it from someone else?

i don't need you.

i'm not a very demanding person. i don't ask much of others. i am extremely high expectations for myself and the people i love. i asked you to wait until i left, at least until you slept with another girl. and tonight; i find out you slept with her while i was stupidly sick because of you while i was a few blocks away.

you are so frustrating. and you know it.

i don't even really have a right to be mad. i knew all along he was sleeping with other girls and i never asked him not to, we never decided on anything or made any committments. i'm not the girl to make a commitment to someone or get attached. to me, we should be able to just hang out. and i'm not a slut by any means, i don't really think losing your virginity at eighteen years old is really slutty; especially when you have legitimate feelings for the person. but still i'm somehow upset. it's not even the fact he slept with another girl. that part doesn't bother me so much. it's that he did the one thing i asked him not to do.

whatcha say.

i'm a firm believer in the things happening the way they are supposed to. and it's sometimes frusterating, but it rarely surprises me. i had a pretty lame night. i'm actually really upset. i'll elaborate later. i just turned on itunes, because it usually knows me pretty well. and all i do is press play(it's on auto shuffle) and the song whatcha say by jason derulo comes on.
"whatcha say, that you only meant well;
well of course you did. "
that doesn't make it okay.

believe in love; just believe in us.

you say you've turned it off, hid your heart up on a shelf;
scared of what it might cost to take it down for someone else.
'cause loving him you lost too much of yourself.

the news.

"You should be ashamed of yourself. There are kids inside our school fearing for their lives right now. Terrified that someone's going to put a gun in their face and pull the trigger. And you want to know how I'm feeling? Our pain is not a commodity for you. It's not a news bit to boost your ratings, because tomorrow or the next day or the next week when we go back to school, changed forever by a day that will never leave us, where are you going to be? At the next tragedy thrusting your microphone in the face of the next fractured person asking them how they feel? Lady that is not journalism. You are not contributing anything to society. You are buzzards circling the carnage, but you prey on the living. That is how I'm feeling! But something tells me you're not going to air that."

oh whitey

Remember, it’s only in the black of night, that you can see the stars. And no stars will lead you back home. So don’t be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall, ‘cause most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get anything you wish for, maybe you’ll get more than you ever could have imagined. Who knows where life will take you, the road is long and in the end, the journey is the destination…

i'm so effortlessly funny.

bahaha i just realized the last blog title was, "i just wanna get lucky".

i just wanna get lucky.

It’s alright to cry over the sad or sometimes silly things we have done out of love. There’s always seconds chances and hope. Every once in a while we step up, we rise above ourselves. Sometimes they surprise us, and sometimes they fall short. But if you look close enough you find hope in the words of your friends, in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, and if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.

do you fall in love with rebounds?

Everytime. But it's not real love. Your head tricks you into it to protect you from the crushing pain your heart is putting you through.

now is the time.

This is gonna sound a little strange but I'd like you to paint over my old closet door. The thing is there is never a time when you will be more honest, and your convictions will be stronger, and your motives will be more pure than they are right now. Which means you should chase whatever excites you. Be confident, and take risks, and paint over my words so you can start writing your own. My story may have inspired you, but I'm certain your story will inspire the next girl to live in our room. I want you to know you don't need somebody to write about you in order for your life to mean something. You can write about yourself… make your own destiny. Then years from now the next girl will keep what you write on that door long enough to remind you how inspired your life is. And you can tell that girl to paint over the door because you realize the words you wrote, the friends you had, the urgency you felt will always be there under the paint. The love you professed will always be there, the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth for better or for worse burning fiercely just below the surface.

it's a funny feeling.

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there because you cant remember the time of your life when it wasnt. but one day you feel something else, something that feels wrong only because its so unfamiliar and in that moment you realize you're happy!

s this reminds me of you.

I think eventually we learn to define happiness for ourselves on our own terms in spite of the pain that people have caused us.

duke university.

I guess when I watch a game it reminds me that we all have greatness inside of us. You know, on any given day an underdog can rise up. It gives me hope.

seventeen.

Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, that feeling that you get at seventeen that nobody in the history of the world has ever been this close, has ever loved as fiercely, or laughed as hard, or cared as much. Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday, and sometimes it feels like someone else's memory.

are you feeling yoptimal?

They say we leave this world just the way we came into it, naked and alone... So if we do leave with nothing what then is the measure of a life? Is it defined by the people we choose to love or is life simply measured by our accomplishments and what if we fail or have never truly loved? What then? Can we ever measure up? Or will the quiet inspiration of a life gone wanting drive us mad?

hey i like the pink, better than all the black.

The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it everyday.Everyday we face the same truth, that life is fleading, that our time here is short and to honour the fallen, we must live our own lives well. We must take the high road while we can and allow our common loss to bring us together.

what's your comet.

The boy saw a comet and felt as though his life had meaning and when it went away he waited his entire life for it to return to him. It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, and meaning. There were many who couldn’t understand and sometimes he walked among them... But even in his darkest hours he knew in his heart that it would return to him, and his world would be whole again…and his belief in God, and love, and art would be reawakened in his heart. The realization that we had always been meant for each other and every instinct to the contrary had simply been a denial of the following truth. I was now and would always be in love with him.

marriage.

"Remember tonight for it's the beginning of always. A promise, like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore and simply rise above the pain of the past. A covenant, which at once binds to souls yet severs prior ties. The celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one. Like a team braced against the tempests of the world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held, promises made long ago in the sacred space in our hearts."

screw the double standard.

don't be too fat or too thin,
or too dark or too light.
don't be too sexual or too chaste,
or too smart or too dumb.
be yourself; but make sure you fit in.

i cannot do this again.

i think i may have a bit of a crush on said boy's best friend.
fuck.

in the words of children.

it's okay; i forgive you.

every second of every day, it's there. and that's all there is.

"i've talked a lot about forgiveness. as you can imagine, a man like me has to believe in it. but i don't. forgivness doesn't exist. you're simply what you do and how you pay for it. so remember that when you practice whatever evil is in your heart. or when you cheat or steal or lust or hate or gossip or covet or whatever it is you do or you're planning to do or you have done. there is no forgiveness. there is just what comes next. take it from someone who's been there, who is there. there is only pain and guilt. and the misery of knowing who you are and what you did. so don't do it. just stop before it's too late."

oth

we all fail. some of us have the fortitude to pick ourselves up. some of us will never have that. some of us have grace in our hearts and the ability to show compassion. and some of us don't.

and then she was gone.

sometimes i think that we waste our words and we waste our moments and we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance.

come on.

he's a cowboy too??!!!

stirling; see number 12's best friend.

is it bad that the boy i like's best friend is like so incredibly sexy that i want to like jump his bones right now?

we'll call that my bad.

b, you know that everybody has to learn the hard way.
you learned the hard way.
i learnt the hard way; oh ya thanks for that by the way.

uncertainty.

i really don't know what to think. i mean he is sending me some crazily mixed signals. and i just wonder if it's cause he is the exact same as me. unsure and scared. he doesn't want to get hurt again and neither do i. and i think that's why he says things like he does. to make it like he doesn't care when he has already shown me he does. i think he knows he can say anything and i'll still care because i know he's him. and that's enough for me. we both know it's there and we are both so afraid to admit it because that would mean that there's a chance we could get hurt. i know he's going to force me to say something first. it's who he is and especially after last time. he needs me to step up. i just don't know.

the future is brighter.

"missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."

he had to let me go.

baby you know everything, tell me why you couldn't see; when i left i wanted you to chase after me.

here's to silence that cuts me to the core.

we decided relationships are silly, and both completely agreed. but of course the conversation couldn't end there. so we kept talking. first he defended himself; you know if i actually cared about a girl or was in a real relationship, i wouldn't cheat on her. i'd be entirely faithful. and of course i know it's true. if he was really into a girl, he would treat her amazingly and cheating wouldn't cross his mind. it didn't cross his mind. he then continued the conversation reminding me that i have to put myself out there, i have to say what i really want. he then tried to argue with me, knowing that he was right and brought up the fact that i keep everything inside and never tell anyone. of course he'd keep talking and he said that the idea of seeing someone is so much better. not only do you avoid the label "relationship" and the ones that go with it such as "girlfriend, boyfriend, ball and chain, wife, douchebag, prick," but you also can be together without things changing. you can commit to someone that's far away because you truly care about them and you want to be with them. and that's enough, you shouldn't have to change. you can just hang out and do what you want. you care about the person, that should be enough. nothing else should matter. but it all starts with actually telling the person you care. it's that simple.
and i said nothing. silence.
he gave me the opportunity to have exactly what i want. to be together, hang out when we can, not hook up with other girls, to essentially be dating without the label and see where it goes. and i never said anything. all i had to say was babe, i'm into you. and i could have had exactly what i want. and i couldn't find any words. silence.
he paused. he knew i wanted to say something, anything. so he wrapped his arms around me again and held me so tight i never thought he'd let go.

senator mccallister, i want you.

"it's this. it's just sitting here together, in a waiting room, both of us trying to pretend that we're not scared. that's love. not being able to concentrate writing a speech about the beauty of love because you're so scared that you might lose it; and nothing would ever be the same. and realizing that the one place, the one place that you feel most you is when you are lying next to her; just breathing."

on the count of two.

how about we do this together; on the count of two.
wait, on the count of two? nobody goes on the count of two.
yeah i know, it'll be our thing; something to tell the grandkids about.

photogenic.

do you ever wonder why some people are sooo good looking in pictures and then you see them and you're like uh... what happened to you? and then you see someone who's like sooo attractive and you see a picture of them and you are like how is that even the same person?

you try to speak, but you make no sound.

we talked for hours. hours and hours and hours this weekend. it has been so long since we talked like that. just laying in his arms, not afraid to say anything. i told him i wasn't afraid to hurt his feelings if it meant i told him the truth; and at first, he was like ouch. and then i reminded him that he isn't afraid to hurt mine either and he knew it was the truth. there is nothing that we can't say to each other, especially at that time. and we both know it. it is the time when i'm most comfortable and relaxed; a calm rushes over me. and i know i can say anything and he will just listen and tell me what he honestly thinks.
so how come when he gave me the opportunity to say exactly what i wanted, i couldn't say anything?

thanks dear.

he reminded me to just be.
to just live.
to just enjoy.
to just have fun.
to just be happy.
to just laugh.
to just be me.

the moisture of a kiss.

i do this so, this world will know that it will not change me.

here's what you've been waiting for.

relationships.
relationships are waaay too complicated for me. for us. we both are on about the same page when it comes to the idea of a relationship. the label of a relationship changes things. it makes people act differently. the label of girlfriend is derogatory; the wife, the bitch, the ball and chain. i don't want that label thank you. he made such a good argument. i mean in all honesty, the label relationship changes things; it changes expectations and it changes everything. it takes away from the idea of just being. if we want to be together we should be able to just be. and i'm really glad he reminded me of that. not because i wanted a relationship but because i just wanted to know where we stood. and it's pretty clear we're standing together.

complicated is an understatement.

love is complicated.

another round of applause please.

well, you guessed it.
i effed myself over... again.

lost, faith hill.

itunes, i'm afraid you know me too well.