always love, hate will get you every time.

I feel like I should cry or be upset or something. When I first got it, my heart hurt and I don't mean metaphorically. I mean my chest contracted and I felt like I was having a heart attack. And now I just don't know what to feel. I don't know how to feel. Where am I supposed to put this? After five years what do I do with it.
I can't even construct a reply to him. I wouldn't even know what to say.
There's a part of me that wishes to say this, "there will come a time in your life when you realize that you made a mistake. You will realize that there are more important things than money. You will realize that you made a mistake when you chose money over our relationship. On that day, I will still be loving you. On that day, you will still possess the truest part of my heart and soul. But on that day, I may not be available for you. And on that day, you might realize it's too late. But on that day you must follow your heart. I hope that that day comes before it's too late. But if it doesn't, always remember that I forgive you. I forgive you for all the hurt. I'm not mad at you for choosing money over me. It hurt me, but I understand it. I forgive you for following your head instead of your heart. And I forgive you for breaking my heart and taking my soul. I forgive you for being selfish, in fact I wish I was that selfish. Always remember that I love you and I forgive you.

7:59 pm text message, 6 weeks and 5 days later.

"Hello and sorry for taking so long for this to send. I went to the Yukon shortly after we hung out and of course terrible too no phone or internet service. It's  true money always comes before relationships with me and you deserve better than that. You deserve much better than that; me, for example, I'm here all summer then states for next two years, that's not fair. Keep in touch always, 12. "

Where am I supposed to put this?

I'm kind of speechless. I just don't really know how to respond to a message like that.

Integrity.

On Friday I went to pick up my reference letter from my last practicum. It's pretty much the nicest things anyone's ever said about me. He mentioned integrity multiple times. Specifically, one line says B is a person of great character and identity. 

This letter means so much to me I cannot even explain it. Integrity is the most importnt thing in the world for me. Integrity is who I am. Nearly three years ago, that was taken from me, I gave it to someone who didn't deserve it and it nearly destroyed me. It broke me more than I thought it was possible to break. And to have someone identify integrity as a defining feature of who I am means the world to me because it means I took it back. I took my integrity back and released a situation out of my control, I let go of a weight that diminished me as a person, a weight that diminished my soul and I infused it with integrity as the driving force in my life.