That's how I feel

Do you ever get to the point when you're drunk and you wish you could puke because you know you'd feel soooo much better?

I don't want all or nothing.

Yesterday I said I need to date a boy I'm mediocrely attracted to. TK said no you want an all or nothing relationship. I told her I didn't want that. I am tired of all or nothing relationships. I'm too young to always have all or nothing relationships. I just want someone that I can be with for now. I don't want a boy I see a future with. Why can I only fall for boys I see a future with?

Alone, or lonely?

I am tired of being alone. I don't know if I'm lonely anymore. I do know that I'm extremely tired of being alone. Every one of my friends is in a relationship basically and it's frustrating. I want the physical part of a relationship. I want a good morning beautiful text. And a good night babe text. I want someone to tell every part of my day to, even the trivial stuff that doesn't matter to any one else but him.
It's silly things like that. Like having someone lay next to you and hold you all night long. It's silly really.

frustration.

I should clarify, I'm not actually a homewrecker. In fact, I really hate that term. But it seems like I always fall for boys who have girlfriends. And they always lead me on. It is so frustrating.
The worst part is that BR is like the first boy who's given me butterflies since before number twelve. I usually have such good guts that tell me the truth. And S, pointed out awhile ago that if I'm getting those feelings then, there's a chance something's there and it's not something I can completely ignore.
I was talking to TK about it and it's just so frustrating. She said maybe this experience was to let you know that it's possible for you to feel like that about someone other than number twelve. And she could very well be right. It's just so frustrating that this always happens to me.
It happened repeatedly with sunshine. It happened with sofa king. It's happening now. Like I just don't understand. What do I do that makes me seem like I am 'that girl'?
I used to really not like girls and I was always friends with boys and had few good girlfriends. And then I understood a lot more why girls hated me. Now though, I have lots of girlfriends and I don't really have many guy friends. I wish I was closer with my guy friends but I'm just at a place in my life where I needed girl support. After everything with number twelve I just couldn't be around boys anymore. I needed to rely on girls and I really didn't trust boys.
It really bothers me that PD lives with number twelve. That's like my consistent best guy friend for the last like 6 or 7 years and now he lives with number twelve. That changed everything. I

homewrecker.

I think there is a giant sign on my head that only boys can see that says, if you have a girlfriend, I'm the perfect person for you. Lead me on because I love boys with girlfriends.

Go home, my love.

"When he leaves to go home to his house, do you wish he would turn around and come back to yours? 'I don't know' usually means no."
-Taylor Swift

I haven't felt like this in soo long

I saw BR today again. It's mind blowing really. I get butterflies when I'm around him. I'm constantly nervous. Like stomach in knots. I have such an incredible attraction to him. We have this tension. Have you ever had like unbearable sexual tension? That's what it's like. All the time. He cut his hair and holy fuck he looks great.

Lights will guide you home.

It's been 12 years since Nana died today. I remember the moment Mom told me like it was yesterday. I thought it was a joke. I thought I was dreaming. It couldn't be real. And now it's been 12 years.

Blood Diamond.

My heart always told me that people are inherently good, my experience told me otherwise.

Best line ever

"Well, off the record, I like to get kissed before I get fucked"
-Leonardo Dicaprio
Blood Diamond

Goodbye little ones.

I can't believe it's over. 5 weeks. So fast. It seems like it just began and now it's over. I don't think it's fully set in yet. We will see how tomorrow goes. I will probably realize it around 10am like where are my kids.

This is the last time I say it's been you all along.

You find yourself at my door and just like all those times before you wear your best apology but I was there to watch you leave. And all the times I let you in just for you to go again, disappear, when you come back, everything is better.

This is the last time.

Found myself at your door and just like all those times before, I'm not sure how I got there; all roads they lead me here.

finally.

It's funny you know, how much we change. In three months, I've changed. In 5 weeks I've changed. It's funny. This is what I always wanted. And I have no idea why. I can tell you that I've never felt more in the right place. I belong. I have never ever felt that.

procrastation.

I forgot how much more productive I am at the library than at home hahahaaha.

Seems appropriate.

"Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well."

-Lord Chesterfield.

I remember it all too well.

You call me up again just to break me like a promise,
so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

Once again.

I'm sometimes frustrated with our world. Maybe I was just raised differently, no I was definitely raised differently. When I have a job, even when I start to not like it, I do my best. I do the work and I don't leave it for somebody else. That's pretty much why I left the golf course and that's how I feel at Moxie's. I don't just leave my work for somebody else. And I don't understand that concept. It just wasn't how I was raised. And the thing is, if everybody did their part, then everybody would be finished quicker and more happy with the results. But people leave without doing their tasks so the same people ending up doing them shift, after shift, after shift. And it's not that I mind helping. It's that I have things to do in my life too. I was supposed to be cut at 2:30 today. I didn't get home until almost quarter to five. That's not even in the realm of close. That's not me staying after to finish my duties. That's me doing everybody else's shit. And I'm tired of it.