if you're reading this.

Listen to these songs:

Austin- Blake Shelton
Just to See You Smile- Tim Mcgraw
Last Kiss- Taylor Swift
Stupid Boy- Keith Urban
Everytime I Hear Your Name- Keith Anderson
Never Be Another- Adam Gregory
I Still Miss You- Keith Anderson
More Than A Memory- Garth Brooks
Who You'd be Today- Kenny Chesney
Could've Fooled Me- Adam Gregory
The Best of Me- Jason Aldean
More than Anyone- Gavin Degraw


Fearless- Taylor Swift
My Wish- Rascal Flatts

They, like everything else remind me of you. Just a few of the songs that I can't even get halfway through because tehy remind me of you.

if you are reading this.

Dear S,

I hope there are plenty of posts for me to read when I return in 5 days.

Sincerely,
B.

dark day.

God, grant me
serenity
 to accept the things I cannot change,

courage
to change the things I can; and
wisdom
to know the difference.

it's me inside your head.

Just in case you were wondering I have to get up in 3 hours to drive to the airport. I cannot wait. I'm always like this on trips. It's kinda gay but at the same time at least I never miss anything hahaha. I'm actually pretty excited. I just need the break. You know?
I need to get away. I need to get past all the drama and heartache I've been subjecting myself too. It's time to grow up and let it go. I have to truly believe that what's meant to be will be and that things happen for a reason.
I don't want to just feel okay anymore. I want better than that. I deserve better than that.

rushing and rushing 'til life's no fun.

all I really gotta do is live and die,
but I'm in a hurry and don't know why.

it's a little bit dramatic, don't you think?

that voice inside your head, it's not your conscience; it's your ego.

a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.

I don't think that many people understand how I feel about love. About relationships, committment, marriage. If you have never had divorced parents you cannot understand how it feels. You cannot comprehend how you feel unwanted and abandoned even by extremely loving parents. I always felt like I was being passed around like a hot potato. I felt like they were trying to get rid of me, like they didn't care how their divorce affected me. My sisters (one in particular) blamed me for their divorce because it happened so fast after I was born.
I don't believe in love really. I mean maybe it's because my one grandfather died so I never really saw their love. And my parents were divorced so I never really believed they loved each other. And my other grandparents never really seemed like the type of 'love' I pictured.
And maybe I'm unrealistic and a dreamer but how I view love is how I view love. I thought that I found love with number twelve but to me, when you love somebody it's unconditional. You always love them. And he ran away from our relationship when it got hard. That's not love to me. And I carry it every day because I am trying to understand love or if there is even such a thing. I carry around the belief that there is no such thing as love and that no one has ever really loved me and I have never really loved them. When I say love I'm talking about the kind of love that you feel in an emotional/physical relationship; not the love I feel for my parents.
I guess I'm just asking what is love? Is there such a thing? Or is it a mere figment of my imagination?

'cause I'm a non-believer.

I used to be a really good person. I was kind and generous and I gave everything of myself for other people. I'd do anything for anyone. I lived with impeccable integrity. Yet, I had no confidence. I think that's why I never put myself first. I didn't think I was enough, I didn't think I was worth anything. But I'm not that person anymore and I don't know how it happened. I have confidence but I don't feel like a good person, I'm not a good person.
Does any of this make sense? I know it's super-contradictory. I mean why would you have confidence if you're a bad person and no confidence when you are someone that people are proud of; someone who should be proud of themself. I just don't understand.
I know, I'm the only one who can control it. I'm the only one who can be a good person. And it's funny because I'm trying. And I spend my days worrying about making good decisions and making my mark on the world. Yet, when it comes down to it I don't make good decisions. Today I knowingly lied, knowing it was a poor idea and it could get me into a lot of trouble. I just, I panicked and blurted it out.
I just want to be the person I used to be. At least when it comes to integrity and caring about others. It's like I put up this wall and I will do anything I can to keep everyone away from me. And now, I don't want to let anybody in.
It probably sounds silly but when I let someone in, I get hurt. And it's like every time I get hurt, I become weaker not stronger. I am this fragile being that keeps breaking without fully healing. When I kept my world at arms reach, I was strong. I didn't cry, I didn't hurt. No one could hurt me.
And then I let sunshine in and he damn near broke me. And then number twelve convinced me that it'd be okay. He wouldn't break me. He promised me almost every day for three years that he'd be there. He told me over and over and over until I believed him. And then he left.
And now I'm more broken than ever before.

and they ask me why him?

He asked her, "why him"?
She responded, "I know it's cheesy and cliche but he's the one".

it is my choice.

she can break you, she's going to try and break us.
how we deal with this will define us.
it is our choice.

hate.

hate; makes for a good beginning of a love story not a good end.

what happened to me.

I fucked up....again.

lose yourself.

when you lose yourself you have two choices:
find the person you used to be; or lose that person completely.

always remember.

life is a hell of a thing to happen to a person.

peace out rd.

flight's booked.

when the worst of your memory gets the best of me.

there ain't nothing like a memory, when it's coming on strong like a hurricane
how can love like that just up and walk away?

tired of this feeling.

I don't work until 12 tomorrow so I'm probably gonna cry myself to sleep and be sad now.

if this were a movie you'd be here by now.

I miss having someone to come home to.

illusory.

I was driving home today in the rain thinking about how bad I'd love to just have number twelve kiss me in the rain. I just miss the kid. I think I'd be okay if we hung out every once in awhile or talked even or if I knew he still cared at all.
I started thinking about this time last year and how we just spend every night watching a movie or cooking or cuddling. And I started thinking about May long last year; and how he told me he'd rather spend the night at home with just me. It broke my heart today when I heard he went out camping last night.
The entire situation with him and I just breaks my heart. And I'm just trying so hard to believe in us because I really want to believe in love but I just have no reason to believe it's real. It's all just an illusion.

and now he's guilt-stricken, sobbing with his head on the floor.

I can't be held responsible,
she fell in love in the first place.

she fell in love in the first place.

for the life of me, I can not remember what made us think that we were wise and we never compromise. for the life of me, I can not believe we'd ever die for these sins; we were merely freshmen.