I don't think that many people understand how I feel about love. About relationships, committment, marriage. If you have never had divorced parents you cannot understand how it feels. You cannot comprehend how you feel unwanted and abandoned even by extremely loving parents. I always felt like I was being passed around like a hot potato. I felt like they were trying to get rid of me, like they didn't care how their divorce affected me. My sisters (one in particular) blamed me for their divorce because it happened so fast after I was born.
I don't believe in love really. I mean maybe it's because my one grandfather died so I never really saw their love. And my parents were divorced so I never really believed they loved each other. And my other grandparents never really seemed like the type of 'love' I pictured.
And maybe I'm unrealistic and a dreamer but how I view love is how I view love. I thought that I found love with number twelve but to me, when you love somebody it's unconditional. You always love them. And he ran away from our relationship when it got hard. That's not love to me. And I carry it every day because I am trying to understand love or if there is even such a thing. I carry around the belief that there is no such thing as love and that no one has ever really loved me and I have never really loved them. When I say love I'm talking about the kind of love that you feel in an emotional/physical relationship; not the love I feel for my parents.
I guess I'm just asking what is love? Is there such a thing? Or is it a mere figment of my imagination?
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