I used to be a really good person. I was kind and generous and I gave everything of myself for other people. I'd do anything for anyone. I lived with impeccable integrity. Yet, I had no confidence. I think that's why I never put myself first. I didn't think I was enough, I didn't think I was worth anything. But I'm not that person anymore and I don't know how it happened. I have confidence but I don't feel like a good person, I'm not a good person.
Does any of this make sense? I know it's super-contradictory. I mean why would you have confidence if you're a bad person and no confidence when you are someone that people are proud of; someone who should be proud of themself. I just don't understand.
I know, I'm the only one who can control it. I'm the only one who can be a good person. And it's funny because I'm trying. And I spend my days worrying about making good decisions and making my mark on the world. Yet, when it comes down to it I don't make good decisions. Today I knowingly lied, knowing it was a poor idea and it could get me into a lot of trouble. I just, I panicked and blurted it out.
I just want to be the person I used to be. At least when it comes to integrity and caring about others. It's like I put up this wall and I will do anything I can to keep everyone away from me. And now, I don't want to let anybody in.
It probably sounds silly but when I let someone in, I get hurt. And it's like every time I get hurt, I become weaker not stronger. I am this fragile being that keeps breaking without fully healing. When I kept my world at arms reach, I was strong. I didn't cry, I didn't hurt. No one could hurt me.
And then I let sunshine in and he damn near broke me. And then number twelve convinced me that it'd be okay. He wouldn't break me. He promised me almost every day for three years that he'd be there. He told me over and over and over until I believed him. And then he left.
And now I'm more broken than ever before.
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