twitter.

Bahahahaha funniest chirp sesh with S, PD and DK. I love my friends.

Go Duke!

I would really like the gym to not be busy when I go. I planned to get up earlier but I slept about 45 minutes too long so I cannot make it to the gym and watch the Duke game because it starts at 10am... which is in 9 minutes. I have lots of homework to do today so we'll see how the day goes then decide if I'm going to go out tonight.
I'm really sore today and I'm not exactly sure why. Yesterday we started doing 1RMs and it went alright. The girls I went with are strong as fuck. I won in upper body but they killed me in lower body. One plays on the soccer team though and the other is a runner/trainer so it makes sense. Anyways gotta watch my boys play now.

tell me we belong together

I wish a boy man would write a song like Edwin McCain's I'll Be for me.

mox.

Whatever made me think that somewhere that has mandatory hair down and done, makeup done and heels on as a policy was good place for me to work, I was mistaken. I must be crazy. K was chirping for having my hair actually done hahaha.
Work was actually alright but seriously those tests are nuts. Like some of the questions I was asked, I never even talked about with them. How am I supposed to know that? Seems unfair but oh well I guess.

epitome of my soul.

work, work, work.

I have my first shift tomorrow. I'm not really sure what to expect. I'm pretty nervous. I went and bought shoes today for it so we'll see how that goes. I can't imagine how I'm going to work in heels. However, I bought good brand of heels with a very wide heel so hopefully it doesn't hurt to bad and I also bought inserts to cushion my poor little feet.
I know it sounds pathetic but when you serve you are legitimately on your feet for the entire time and if you're a good server, you're working your ass off the entire time. I'd work in flats and my feet hurt. I feel like these shoes have a bit of support so hopefully they are comfy. I'm so nervous and I don't know why. I know the most important part of serving is being confident in your abilities.
I don't know my boss at the golf course always tells me that when I don't show my personality is when I get into trouble. And that's a nice compliment I suppose, you know that I have a good personality (aka I'm not retarded and don't know how to have a conversation.
I guess that's just it though. Even the first girl I interviewed with, whom I really like told me that I have a really great personality and she thinks I'll fit in well there. I'm happy with that and I have lots of training shifts in the next two weeks so that's great because I like doing lots repetitively then you actually learn it better!
Anyways I work tomorrow so I better go get some stuff done! I work Thursday, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday.

not knowing in that moment, we'd never speak again.

have you ever wanted someone so much it hurt?
you lips keep trying to speak, but you just can't find the words.

why do we need the physical.

I know I've said it before, but I actually really think I'm ready for a new boy. I have been like thinking about it a lot lately. And I will always love number 12, always. But at the end of the day, we aren't together and we haven't been for a long time. I need to find someone new to care about me. I think I've been alone long enough that I know how to be happy alone, and I am. And I think that being alone isn't the same as being lonely. I'm alone, not lonely. I mean some days I'm lonely, some days we're all lonely right?
Don't answer that. I don't know. I guess I'm tired of being alone. Not because I don't like being alone but because I miss having someone beside me. It probably sounds silly, but like the other night when RD stayed here. I honestly loved having someone next to me. And we made out and cuddled and whatever but we didn't hook up. And I mean we all have needs and it was tough having that kind of self-control but at the end of the day it was just kind of nice having someone who held me all night. And I mean really held me.
I love staying at DK's because I know he's beside me and I feel safe and I can hear him snoring and we have good chats and whatever. But we're friends, we don't hold each other like that. I mean I've woken up to us cuddling before but not in a remotely sexual way. Just in a we're friends and we're drunk and he's being nice because neither of us really want to be alone.
I guess I just am saying that it'd be nice to find a boy to hang out with and just have around sometimes. In all honesty, between the boys and K, I'm pretty good for having male support that are in my life and that are good to me and treat me well. But sometimes I just want someone to be physically near me, there for me. Just to hold me.

study time.

Today was a funny day. This morning was funny because of K and S, oh and LS. I had class and it was so dumb, my prof like regurgitated the textbook. It was so annoying, even her examples were unoriginal. And then I went to the gym, came home showered, went back to class, read my readings, got a bj, went to night class. We sit down in night class and my prof goes, "well I have a confession. I am extremely high right now, legally of course. I am on serious muscle relaxants. So if it looks to any of you like I am incredibly high, it's because I am."
hahaha I love that class it's so interesting. It's all about contemporary mental health issues and he is very interested in criticizing drug use and how effective it really is. He isn't against it, he just thinks people are overmedicated.

yay for comfy.

I found a pair of lulus I thought I lost today wheeuuu!!! Except they are now too big which is good and bad hahaha they fall off my ass. I guess the gym's working?

or is there a point.

I am a born doubter when it comes to life. I think very negatively in a lot of ways. But in other ways, I am very positive. I am a natural believer. I guess a better way to put it is that I want to believe, most of the time I just don't. I want to believe in the good of others and the meaning of life and every day things, but why should I? I mean it's not like I have much of a reason to believe.
Don't get me wrong, there are things that have happened in my life that make me believe in God. And I could try and explain that to you, but I can't. And to be perfectly honest, I don't really want to. I don't want to force my beliefs and disbeliefs down your throat. My relationship with God is MY relationship with Him. It has no bearing on anybody else.
I've also been through many things that have made me doubt his existence. I still question it some days. But other days, I just know. I've had moments where I just prayed to survive and I have. And maybe that is just luck but I choose to believe in a higher power. I'm not overly religious, I don't agree with much of the way the Catholic Church is run and I am not well-versed in any other religions. Perhaps there is one that would suit me better but in my opinion religion is not important. Spirituality is. And maybe that's coming from my Native heritage. Laugh if you want but taking a Native Philosophy course was the best thing I could've ever done. It completely reshaped the way I think about everything and it forced me to see what would be considered completely ridiculous perspectives in a way that actually made sense to me.
I guess I just wonder why we're here sometimes. Why am I here? What's the point of all this? I don't really know if I want to be a teacher or a lawyer or an FBI agent. I don't really think I want to be a parent. So what's the point. I don't know who I want to be. I know more about who I don't want to be than who I do want to be. And I think I could really love teaching because I think it is such a vital part of our world. I think that a highschool teacher has the power to make and break lives. Those students are just trying to find themselves, trying to figure out who they want to be. The ones with so much going on that the 6 hours that they're at school is like 6 hours of heaven despite the fact that they're getting picked on by other kids and are completely overwhelmed by their schoolwork.
I think that I could really love being their safe place. Being the one that understands. The one that supports them, perhaps the only one that's ever supported them. But I don't think I want to stay around here. I'd love to go be a powerful partner in a law firm in New York. Or work in Virginia for the FBI. I just want to do something that makes a difference. Because if I don't, what's the point of all this?

8tracks.

Somedays I just want to crawl into my bed and never leave. I am sitting in my bed and covered in blankets with pillows. I haven't studied like this in a long time but these readings have to be done on a laptop and for copyright reasons he's asked us not to print them with author permission for us to read and not reproduce etc. So me being all integrity me who would never give them to anybody, just print them because it's easier to read I find, I'm still doing it the proper way.
I am just content to not do anything. I am still not feeling good from Saturday and albeit how great of a time I had, I never want to party like that again. I have never been so sick for so long. I didn't really eat yesterday or go to the gym. And today I ate shit and didn't go to the gym. Tomorrow I have to get back into real life but tonight I'm going to read contemporary health in my bed and listen to 8tracks piano covers.
Etta James died the other day and it's so sad. Like I loved the song At Last. I love old music like that. You know, Frank Sinatra, Bobby Darin, Ella Fitsgerald. Michael Buble is a fav because he sings songs like Sinatra that are just beautiful. I'd give anything to be able to have a bath right now or a fireplace. When I'm old, I want a fireplace in my bedroom so I can read in bed in front of the fire.
I know it probably sounds weird right now because I am blogging, but I could really use some time disconnecting from the world. I am supposed to come home this weekend but I might wait a week and just not so that I can just disconnect and study and find myself again. I don't think I lost myself, but I have done some things in the past few weeks I'm not  proud of. I wish I could be a slut and party like that but it's just not who I am. I wake up with a worse moral hangover than a physical hangover (and I get excruciatingly hungover because my body isn't used to impurities like alcohol). I don't know I just know things are about to get busy and I need to buckle down and study and relax and just enjoy the little things.

neville got hot.

family feud.

K and I have been discussing how we want to go on Family Feud because it'd be so fun and we are clearly better than most of the people on that show hahahaha. But we looked it up and you have to be related by marriage, blood or adoption. So K being K goes, I wonder if we could claim common-law hahahahaha. We have lived together for a year and a half. But I wonder if that'd actually work.

the morning after.

I had such a fun night hahahaha. I am such a disaster but seriously. I have zero desire to go out for a long time. I had so much fun. Honestly going out here is so much fun because nobody here knows me. It's not like I dance with a dude and all of a sudden theres 7 million rumors about us (aka PD, DK, JP, choose any dude really).
I did something I probably shouldn't last night and I never want to do it again but hell did I have a good night. I seriously danced for like 3 hours straight. My legs hurt and are incredibly sore because of it. I also still have the worst headache you could ever imagine.
I also changed my sheets today because RD stayed here last night (bahahahhaha funniest part of this is that the dude I had an oppsie with in September is also initialled RD). But anyways haha I never even did anything I am actually the biggest tease ever haha dudes must just hate me. But whatever I was up until like 5:30 am aka about 8 hours past my bed time.
Also he snored louder than DK. I didn't even think that was possible. Like DK snores so loud it is effing brutal to stay at his house sometimes, mainly when I don't fall asleep. I couldn't even believe it because today, K was like seriously that dude fucking snored soooo loud. Hahahahaha he also had a hell of a time chirping me for my 20 year old party mistakes.
Oh well, I had a really good night. I am thinking about going home next weekend but PD is gone so we'll see. I don't want to go out though and I know if I go home I'll end up going out. Mainly because my friends don't know how to stay home and have fun without drinking. But we'll see I might have to work, I'll have to find out tomorrow hopefully whether I work or something. Anyways I'm disast and need to sleep.