Where do you go when you're lonely?

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

Do you know the days that you just wish someone was laying beside you? I don't even need him to be touching me, just to know he was there would be enough. 

Most nights number twelve would squeeze me so tight I couldn't breathe (I flail a lot, it was justified) but sometimes he would let me free and we would hold hands or he'd just put his hand on my hip so I knew he was there. If I got really lucky he'd lay close enough that if I moved I'd definitely know he was there because he was that close but if I didn't move I just knew he was there right next to me. 

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

Do you know the days that you just wish someone was laying beside you? I don't even need him to be touching me, just to know he was there would be enough. 

Most nights number twelve would squeeze me so tight I couldn't breathe (I flail a lot, it was justified) but sometimes he would let me free and we would hold hands or he'd just put his hand on my hip so I knew he was there. If I got really lucky he'd lay close enough that if I moved I'd definitely know he was there because he was that close but if I didn't move I just knew he was there right next to me. 

He'd probably say it's alright and hold me while my tears pour.

He's got the kind of heart that any girl would die for,
so how could I want more?

And I think he knows it too.

And I think that's why time and time again I revert back to him. I love him. I always will. I think on some level I think that I love that he loves me and that's not fair. 

The Sun Also Rises.

This is hard for me to think about and hard for me to admit especially out loud to anyone. Sofaking and KM are still together and it bothers me. I'm jealous. Not jealous that she's with him and I'm not, jealous that they're in a relationship and number twelve and I are not. And in my head I can rationalize all of it you know? I know that there relationship is built on different things than number twelve and mine. I know that number twelve and I had some pretty honest conversations about it. Something tells me KM and sofaking haven't. Something tells me they just pretend I don't exist and none of that situation ever happened. 

But it did happen. It happened to me. I was a part of it. I made bad choices and there were bad consequences for me. And while yes I see the assault portion from another view and it doesn't always resonate that that happened to me instead of someone else, I consciously know that it was me. I was the one that ended up in the hospital with a police officer and a doctor humiliating me. And I'm the one that lost the boy I love. And the friend I truly cared about. 

And I know I'm better off right? I'm supposed to tell myself that sofaking lost me as a friend and number twelve lost me as a girlfriend and a friend. But at some point it's hard for me because I accepted what I did. I know that I made a choice and a bad one at that. And that's okay, I'm okay with that choice but sometimes it's just really not fair how it happened for me. 

I guess I just wonder if the choices I made a 18 years old are going to define the rest of my days. I know that I'm stronger than most people. It took me a long time to realize that but just because I'm strong doesn't mean I should always have to go through harder things. I mean it's petty and immature but I'm sad that I'm alone sometimes. I'm strong enough to be alone, I know. And I mean mom has cancer again and she's getting sicker and weaker and I don't know how I deal with that. She's my mom, she's my hero. She is stronger than I will ever be and you can't possibly understand what it's like to watch the strongest person you know lose their strength because it's out of their control unless you've lived it. And I want to be strong for her. I'm trying so hard because she has always been strong for me. 

And I think that's what I miss the most about number twelve. When I needed him to be strong for me, he was. He could hold me and it was like my strength came back. And sometimes now that's why I'm jealous. I'm jealous that I don't have someone to be strong for me. 

At some point I know that it's my own fault. I'm strong and independent and that's scary because I keep people out a lot of the times because I can convince myself that I don't need anyone. If I rely only on myself I can't get hurt. But if I only rely on myself I will always be alone. 

I see people in serious relationships and getting married and moving in together and I want that. And that sounds ridiculous I know and it's not like I'm like oh I want to be married and living with someone in 6 months. It's not like that at all, but I would like there to be someone that I could consider having a future with. Someone to just be here and hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay even if it isn't. 

I just feel like I'm never going to find anybody. I feel like no one is ever going to want to be with me. I feel like I'm never going to be enough for someone. That's how I feel. I know it's irrational and insecure and emotional but it's just how I feel.

It's always a little grey.

Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever had to do. 

I want you.

Is it wrong that I want to fall in love again? I want to be in love. I want to have a companion. I want to have someone who sends me a morning message and calls me just to say good night. I miss that contact communication with someone, you know? I just want to feel loved like that again. It's not even that I'm lonely, I'm not. I just crave the physical closeness of a man.

Mcsteamy and Little Grey.

I like who I am.

I think it's easy to get tangled up in wishing and wanting things we don't have. I think because of where I am right now is why I'm okay. Don't get me wrong, I miss number twelve every day. And lately I have really felt like it'd be nice to have a boy around. I think, I'm actually ready to consider a new boy. And that is an incredible feat for me.
I also think that's why I'm less concerned about MH and BH. I think they're both beautiful but honestly, I like who I am. I'm content with who I am. I think that's why I wasn't really concerned to go back to Hudson's last night. A few months ago I would've been too embarrassed to go back there after he gave his number to SM the other night when she was talking me up. DICK. But I was just like fuck that buddy. I like who I am and if you don't too bad for you. I am not going to tip toe around and avoid going to places with my friends because of you.
I'm actually pretty proud of myself for that. I find as I get old I become more and more comfortable with who I am. I think that's a good thing. I am starting to like who I am. I've been fighting a battle of self-hatred for 22 years and I think it's time to practice some self love. Self-appreciation.

I want you to live.

Sometimes I think about BB. I can't believe his gone. His birthday is next week. I can't believe he's gone. It is just so mind blowing to me. Life is just short. We never know, we never know how much time we have.
I think about it sometimes. And it makes me think about why it's important to be a good person. It's important to live life. I think it's so annoying when people post all these live for the moment posts. I just want to actually live through the moment. I think that's what has made these last few months so incredible. I haven't slept as much as I should, I haven't been as healthy as I should. I haven't worked as hard as I should've in school. But I am happy and I'm having fun and I can honestly say I love my life right now.