The Sun Also Rises.

This is hard for me to think about and hard for me to admit especially out loud to anyone. Sofaking and KM are still together and it bothers me. I'm jealous. Not jealous that she's with him and I'm not, jealous that they're in a relationship and number twelve and I are not. And in my head I can rationalize all of it you know? I know that there relationship is built on different things than number twelve and mine. I know that number twelve and I had some pretty honest conversations about it. Something tells me KM and sofaking haven't. Something tells me they just pretend I don't exist and none of that situation ever happened. 

But it did happen. It happened to me. I was a part of it. I made bad choices and there were bad consequences for me. And while yes I see the assault portion from another view and it doesn't always resonate that that happened to me instead of someone else, I consciously know that it was me. I was the one that ended up in the hospital with a police officer and a doctor humiliating me. And I'm the one that lost the boy I love. And the friend I truly cared about. 

And I know I'm better off right? I'm supposed to tell myself that sofaking lost me as a friend and number twelve lost me as a girlfriend and a friend. But at some point it's hard for me because I accepted what I did. I know that I made a choice and a bad one at that. And that's okay, I'm okay with that choice but sometimes it's just really not fair how it happened for me. 

I guess I just wonder if the choices I made a 18 years old are going to define the rest of my days. I know that I'm stronger than most people. It took me a long time to realize that but just because I'm strong doesn't mean I should always have to go through harder things. I mean it's petty and immature but I'm sad that I'm alone sometimes. I'm strong enough to be alone, I know. And I mean mom has cancer again and she's getting sicker and weaker and I don't know how I deal with that. She's my mom, she's my hero. She is stronger than I will ever be and you can't possibly understand what it's like to watch the strongest person you know lose their strength because it's out of their control unless you've lived it. And I want to be strong for her. I'm trying so hard because she has always been strong for me. 

And I think that's what I miss the most about number twelve. When I needed him to be strong for me, he was. He could hold me and it was like my strength came back. And sometimes now that's why I'm jealous. I'm jealous that I don't have someone to be strong for me. 

At some point I know that it's my own fault. I'm strong and independent and that's scary because I keep people out a lot of the times because I can convince myself that I don't need anyone. If I rely only on myself I can't get hurt. But if I only rely on myself I will always be alone. 

I see people in serious relationships and getting married and moving in together and I want that. And that sounds ridiculous I know and it's not like I'm like oh I want to be married and living with someone in 6 months. It's not like that at all, but I would like there to be someone that I could consider having a future with. Someone to just be here and hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay even if it isn't. 

I just feel like I'm never going to find anybody. I feel like no one is ever going to want to be with me. I feel like I'm never going to be enough for someone. That's how I feel. I know it's irrational and insecure and emotional but it's just how I feel.