i'm captivated by you baby like a fireworks show.

drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain
kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain
'cause i see sparks fly whenever you smile
get me with those green eyes baby as the lights go down,
give me something that'll haunt me when you're not around
'cause i see sparks fly whenever you smile.

cac.

he's like sunshine, everything is better when he's around.

i love my sister.

it's looks like it's about to be whisk o'clock to me... rye not?

they say time heals everything but i'm still waiting.

here i go again, tears streaming down my face.

freddie prince jr.

i'm having a freddie prince jr. marathon today. i watched she's all that (incredible movie fyi.) and now i'm watching i know what  you did last summer. i know i should be doing homework but i'm just too sad so i figure i'll procrastinate a little longer and then get some stuff done. also, i just realized that leonard from big bang theory is in this movie.

happiness is a state of mind. i lost mine.

i hate where i stand with number twelve. i'm sad all the time and i'm not a sad person. i am lonely and i miss him and i hate that we don't talk like we used to. i think what bothers me most is that is doesn't even phase him that we don't talk. i just want to feel better. and the worst part is that for the last six months i've been bitching about a boy. i'm not the type of girl to do that at all. i've had so many people be like what happened to you, you used to be fun. and it's not even the drinking part, it's the being fun part. i'm just not fun because i'm never happy.

it's such a tired game.

sj came down yesterday. and other's too i suppose. he's the one i care about though. he's probably been one of my best friends since grade seven. and we don't hang out as much as we'd like because well we live in different cities. last year we'd just do dumb things like get drunk with five people at my home or he's cook me dinner at his parent's home. and it's just like so nice because he's the kind of person that can just cheer me up no matter how down i am. he has always been there. he was the one i talked to about mom's cancer and he has always just been there. and yesterday when i got there he picked me up and literally held me up two or three feet off the ground for a good few minutes. and then he put me down and hugged me for another few minutes in front of all these people we'd just met. and he convinced me to drink because i haven't seen him since thanksgiving. so i played a game of beerpong and was about three beers deep when i started getting sad. i was already tired and i just immediately knew i needed to come home to bed. so i did. even with the one person who has always made me see the brightside, i couldn't cheer up.

pass.

i would fucking hate having braces at 19 or 20 years old. i had them when i was like in grade 10 and 11 and i am sooo glad i had them then. having them now would be terrible. nooo thank you.

i love you. what else matters?

all i really want is to hear you laugh again.

silent films are full of sound.

if you've ever  been in a long distance relationship you understand the concept of needing someone's physical presence. you become accustomed to conversations and pictures and text messages. that person takes up time that other people can't understand because their boyfriend/girlfriend are sitting beside them, or they're going to see them this afternoon, or tonight or tomorrow. and that's great, good for you. but sometimes, all i need is to just be near him. to know that if i want a hug or a kiss or a smile i can have that. that i can just be in his arms with no words, that we can lay together in silence and just believe again, just believe that everything is going to be okay.

if i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose.

what you're not saying is coming in loud and clear,
we're at a crossroads here.

v-day.

young love.
full of promise,
full of hope,
ignorant of reality.

love it, from s.

Love's involved with spending time together,
but spending time apart can lead to loving even more.

-Remember Me.

be forewarned.

i'm gonna probably break down before tonight's over.

i don't think i'll ever be gone.

if i'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose, if i'm not that arrow to the heart of you, if you don't get drunk on my kiss, if you think you can do better than this; then i guess we're done. let's not drag this on, consider me gone.

easy to manipulate.

basically, i'm attracted to status, money, a good body (healthy = good sperm production), height, portrayal of commitment (such as telling me you love me). this pretty much describes me. and also this is how women are easily to manipulate. boys have learned to lie about all of these things to get exactly what they want from girls.

bahahaha oh nc.

alcohol + suit + back of sexy truck + charm = panties down.

animal attraction.

so i'm in this three hour human sexuality class and usually three hour classes are awful. they drag on forever and ever and ever. especially because i go there at 9:30 am and stay until my class is over at 9. needless to say it's a long day. but it's starting to get super interesting that the three hours is actually bearable.yesterday we started talking about attraction and why men are attracted to women and why women are attracted to men. and it's so crazy because it's a mainly biological thing and most people don't realize that. and like i am especially attracted to all these things. women are attracted to men who can provide them with resources and will invest in their offspring. and men are attracted to women who look like they can bear a good child (think tiny waist and wide hips) and obviously take good care of a child. some of the studies that have been done are absolutely incredible. sooo fascinating.

stripes.

b- "why can't i be mean"?
a- "i don't know. why don't you ask zebras why they are called zebras".
b- "bahahahahah"

go me.

i feel very accomplished today. i've already been to class and the gym and showered.

i should've known.

all you're ever gonna be is mean.

don't you think 19's too young to be played by your dark twisted games?

i lived in your chess game but you changed the rules everyday.

crazier.

you showed me something that i couldn't see,
you opened my eyes and you made me believe.
you lift my feet off the ground and spin me around,
you make me crazier, crazier.
feels like i'm falling and i, i'm lost in your eyes,
you make me crazier, crazier.

spokane chiefs. wheeuu.

if you know hockey moms, or hockey parents for that matter, you'd understand my last blog. especially making it as a goalie. because there are like 2 of you to 25 other spots minimum per team. plus the other boys they pull up that get drafted to. so of a team there's maybe 3 goalie spots and 30-35 skater spots. ah i'm so excited for him.

hockey moms.

sooo cutest thing ever. antelope hunter's mom je text me tonight to tell me that me (her middle son) got his first shutout tonight and they won the game 3-0. he's seventeen years old and it's his first year in the whl and he's just so adorable. he saved 18 shots. that's pretty good average if you ask me. je was so excited that she had to send me a bbm to include me in the family news. this is what i want in my life, to be a hockey mom and be so excited that i keep the best friends of my children posted. ah i love that family. gooooo chiefs.

you came along and you changed everything.

i used to think i was in love with sunshine. and i guess to a certain degree i was because i will always care about him. but it wasn't the same kind of love. it was that high school infatuation of the first person i ever really felt a connection with. and we never even dated but i was crazy about him and i gave up who i was for him. we would talk all the time about nothing and we enjoyed doing dumb things together and he was a good friend for a long time. he was important to me because at the time, he provided me with what i needed.
the love i feel for number twelve is different. and i'm not sure i can even explain it. but number twelve is the kind of person who cares a lot. he cares more than most boys but he'd never admit it to you. he would do anything just to make you smile. he says things in the most serious of tones that make me laugh. he taught me so much about myself. he made me believe in things i never really believed in before. and we've been so on and off because we're just so young that this type of relationship is scary. and we challenge each other. and he pushes me to be the best version of myself. but he's just so nice, he is thoughtful and clever and honest and loyal. and i think that it's such a different type of love. i don't feel pressure around him. he's just the kind of person that i know i could be happy with because of who he is.

boston.

you don't know me and you don't even care.
you don't know me, you don't wear my chains.

don't you think nineteen's too young?

i know i agreed to this whole "let's work on actually being friends" thing. but it's bullshit. i want number twelve back. i haven't seen him in like a week and a half and it feels like forever. i just love him so much. and last night i have this crazy conversation with tc about him and his gf and how much he's changed for her and all the things that have changed in his life because of her and we kinda came to the realization that he's kinda given up a huge part of who he is for her. and i found myself explaining the reasons i love number twelve and they just seemed so much more realistic. i mean yes some days i can't breathe when i'm around him and other days i wanna smack him because he's so on my nerves. but i love him because of who he is and what provides me. not physically or materialistically but psychologically and emotionally. he's stable, even when we fight he's there to hold me. when i'm upset, he just holds me until i believe it's gonna be okay. i love him because he loves the things i hate about myself. he's helped me to accept who i am and realize that who i am is enough. i'd give the world for him, but he doesn't want me to. i'd give up anything, become any person for him but he just wants me to be me. and that's why i love him.

maybe i'm not doing as well as i thought.

i've been having some pretty fucked up dreams lately. like really fucked up. i've been dreaming about sofa king a lot again and i wonder what God is trying to tell me by this and what i'm trying to tell myself. i just am so confused by them. i just want to understand.

sucky la.

the wind here is so brutal. it's gonna take me foreevverrr to fall asleep. i'm pretty sure it's like 6 degrees out only with a 60km/h wind.

the way you move is like a full-on rainstorm and i'm a house of cards.

you touch me once and it's really something,
you find i'm even better than you imagined i would be.

my mind forgets to remind me, you're a bad idea.

you're the kinda reckless that should send me running,
but i kinda know that i won't get far.

this is nathan scott.

words from the father figure.

love is fragile. and we are not always the best caretakers.
we just muddle through and hope this fragile thing survives against all odds.

yes please.

what's meant to be will be.

people that are meant to be together,
always find their way in the end.

january 23, 2011.

If you are feeling badly about someone's opinion of you- or perhaps the opinion you imagine that person has of you- you are giving that individual way too much power and importance. First of all, he or she isn't necessarily an expert anyway, and most importantly-your own opinion is really the only one that matters in a current situation. Go easier on yourself, Virgo. Be as kind and compassionate and open-minded about yourself and your own efforts as you would with someone else. You deserve it.

brooke davis.

i finally found the perfect boy and i screwed it up.

ginger.

also, i might add that she looks damn good. especially for being 38 years old.

loook at her ring... drooooool

hellcats.

it was an awful thing to do and i'd take it back if i could.
but you can't.
i know but if you forgive me, i can promise you'll never regret it.

City of Glass

"Paradise is not a place that can be discovered. There are no maps that can lead a man to it, no instruments of navigation that could guide a man to its shores. Rather, its existence was immanent within man himself: the idea of a beyond he might someday create in the here and now. For utopia was nowhere- even in its "wordhood." And if man could bring forth this dreamed-of place, it would only be by building it with his own two hands. "

10.

the average person has 28 first kisses. i think this sounds high.
i've only ever kissed one boy sober, the only one that matters.
i lied, i've kissed two. but only one matters.

there is only one tree hill.

might i mention that nathan scott is a fictional character for those who don't already know.

nathan royale scott.

also, i plan to marry nathan scott. i am without a doubt in love with him. james lafferty would work too. but nathan scott is the perfect father, husband and person. he is so sexy and i am head over heels in love with him. like i want my husband to be sexy, rich, loyal, honest, kind, generous, thoughtful, clever. like he is everything i want in life.

time heals everything.

i feel significantly better than i did last night. i talked to number twelve today and spent the day at school with his sister and i feel waaaay better. she reminded me how many times we've taken space and how sometimes that's the best thing for us because every time we get back together it's better and better. and in this case we're either going to be best friends or we're gonna figure it out.

i won't give up on you he said, don't be so afraid. she replied, you already did.

i'm sick and tired of everybody,
thinking they know what's best for me.
maybe God wanted me to be nothing special.

it's such a crying shame.

it's such a tired game. will it ever stop?
how will this all play out? out of sight, out of mind.

someone please tell me, what is the point?

the high road sucks.

this is what i'd say.

i love you. you are my best friend. i promise that we are going
to be okay eventually. i just need some time to process.

isolate.

i shut off my phone tonight. in the middle of a conversation with number twelve,  i just said how i felt and turned it off before he could reply. i don't care to know tonight. i know that the best thing i can do is just take some time to vent and process. i love him and i know that if my phone were on or i heard what he said it would turn into an even longer more drawn out fight and i just haven't the energy for it.

get a life.

that rant made me feel significantly better.

bitch, please.

also, in other news according to sofa king's girlfriend i made up the fact i got assaulted. yep, never happened i just created it in my mind to fuck him over.
it's funny because in the situation, i was honest, i apologized and i let them live their life. i never actually said it was him, nor did i ever blame him. in fact, i spent a month and a half defending him. in case you also didn't know, it's totally my personality to lie and make stupid rumors up and trash talk people all around rd. obviously i'm still living in high school and don't know how to grow the fuck up.
woops, that's you not me sweetheart. this shouldn't even really bother me except for the fact that i've done everything i can to take the high road. i tried to ensure that your stupid boyfriend didn't get absolutely shitkicked to the point of death because i didn't know for sure it was him. and i tried to warn him through a friend when some people planned to. i to this day will not tell them where he lives or what he looks like or any details that could help them find him. i have been trying to get on with my life and get better and healthier and happier and you're making it your mission in life to like try and make me miserable. i'm sorry but maybe you should re-evaluate yourself and your boyfriend and your relationship and find out what these insecurities are being caused by. i don't even live there anymore and you've convinced him to not speak to the best friend he's ever had, delete me from facebook, and also talk shit about me to other people.
i'm still confused how your relationship revolves around me when i haven't spoken to either of you in months? do you think maybe that if i'm such a threat to your relationship by simply existing that maybe your relationship is a joke?
what the fuck do i know though. i'm not educated formally and i don't have life experience out of the stupid bubble that epitomizes rd.

alexithymia.

apparently that describes how i feel right now.

thanks jack.

love is the answer, at least for most of the questions of my heart.
like why are we here and where do we go and how come it's so hard.
it's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving.
i'll tell you one thing,
it's always better when we're together.

it all hurts just the same.

you leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
i got lost in this whole world and forgot who i am.

you're fucking perfect.

made a wrong turn once or twice, dug my way out blood and fire. bad decisions, that's alright; welcome to my silly life. mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood, miss no it is all good; it didn't slow me down. mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated, look i'm still around.

i'm not sure i've ever been speechless before.

i'm speechless right now.

three years.

he told me it's over today. like legitimately he's just done. he's not mad at me and he forgives me for what happened he just wants to be alone. we've been together forever and everyone needs a break once in awhile. our relationship has been kicked around just a bit too much and he just doesn't want this anymore.