I need you like a heart beat.

I know that you see what you're doing to me, tell me why.

I don't need time to find another love but I want you.

My Heart is Open- Maroon 5 featuring Gwen Stefani.

The Double (2013).

"I have all of these things I want to say to her. Like how I can tell she's a lonely person, even if other people can't. Cause I know what it feels like to be lost and lonely and invisible. "

I love every glimpse you've given me.

I'm actually fucking dying hahaha

Silly girl.

The down side of the whole BR situation is that I'd love to be friends with benefits with him. I mean honestly, we all need it sometimes. And I don't want to date him but he is ideal for an fwb relationship. He's incredibly attractive, well-endowed and knows what he's doing. He's a good friend too so that's nice. But that's stressful and I have no idea how to bring that up.. at all!
I hate it because I just want to shake J. I want to say to him what the fuck do you want?! What the fuck else do you want from me?! I just don't know what else to do to make it clear to him. And I'm okay to ease into it but I need some signs. Something to make sure I know it's worth the wait. I mean if I showed up to work with flowers waiting, no card necessary tomorrow or received an invite for wine anything that he initiates. I need that, so badly.

Does it always have to be like this?

He is everywhere and it is so difficult. I'm sitting in the Hudson's parking lot to potentially meet my ex-boyfriend's best friend and sister and When the Lights Go Out comes on. Like fuck off. Of all the songs really? The first song we bonded over?

I just want you to leave me alone.

"We had a 3 car garage and turned the furthest one from the house into a soundproof studio for T and his band. When I moved back from Vancouver and in with my mom, I used to sit in there by myself for hours so everyone would leave me alone".
Hahahaha I'm dying because this is exactly how I feel every day.

Let there be light.

If you aren't willing to keep looking for light in the darkest of places without stopping, even when it seems impossible, you will not succeed.

Making this girl go crazy.

He is just the most frustrating human being I've ever met. This morning I texted him to see if he was going to be at work at all today and he's like maybe! So he texted me shortly after saying I'm going soon, I'll text you when I get there. Then he texts me and says actually can you come get me and we will go together?
So I am like sure. So I go to his house and he's like come in! And so I go inside and his downstairs renovations are almost finished and it's absolutely gorgeous. Like it is so incredibly beautiful and it suits him so much. It reminds me of a library. I love his bookshelves. He's got this incredible leather couch that his momma bought him and he was looking for a chair to match yesterday and the chair is 9000$! It's ridiculous. He said to the lady uhh the couch wasn't even that much how is it possible the chair is worth more than the couch?! He has a beautiful set up with a nice desk and his floors are finished and he has his filing cabinet and everything all set up now. Then he has all this stuff from his travels which I just think is so attractive. He is enlightened and worldly and I love it.
My favourite part of his entire home is his map. He has a beautiful map of the world and he has pins in all the places he's been to. I have always dreamed of having a map like that so I have a love-hate relationship with his map out of my own jealousy.
So he shows me that and I played with Duke for a few minutes then we go to work. I found my water bottle so I'm happy about that! Then he showed me everything in there and they had to rip out even more than they thought which is so stressful but hopefully tomorrow they start putting things back together.
So he starts telling me about his mom and family stuff and all this and I just don't understand how it gets to there from not talking for 2 days. And I know that he is just completely oblivious to how crazy he drives me. He doesn't even realize what would frustrate me about it. He's like oh well you know about this and this and I'm like no I didn't, but continue. And then we talked about my place and I'm like oh well you know where it is and he's like No! You haven't told me ANYthing about it! And I am just like yeah well I haven't really had a conversation with you.
Then he gave me a water and recommended places to go furniture shopping and such and he's like okay well you know where I am, if you need my truck of course you can borrow it!
I just don't understand. He wants to be here but he wants to keep it entirely on his own accord, at his pace under his conditions. He wants me to initiate everything. Anytime I go to drop something off or pick something/ him up and he's like COME IN!
I find it so frustrating because he confides in me and will do literally anything I ask him to do but there's no consistency.

Him.

And just like that everything is better.

How I feel today.

I read a really interesting article about being an extroverted introvert and it was honestly the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. It hit the nail right on the head. It talks about how it's possible to flourish in social situations but actually find them incredibly exhausting and requiring much rest and recovery post said situations. It talks about living in your head but being able to socialize concurrently.
And sometimes I feel like such an asshole because I don't want to talk to anybody. I'm annoyed by people texting me or wanting to talk to me. All I want is my own time all alone.

Stay.

When the boy you love most in the world says stay.

Today.

Some days being single is just so shitty because all I want is to have a partner. Everyone is just kind of rubbing it in my face unintentionally but it still sucks. Like yeah I know most days it's more effort than I'm willing to exert right now but it just sucks some days. I just see my sisters and friends and I sometimes feel incredibly lonely.

Thanks kiddo.

It's a really nice feeling to walk into the home of someone you know isn't trying to sleep with you and have them say, "hi gorgeous, how are you doing?"

Yes, I am aware of how pathetic that is/sounds.

All of my friends are with their boyfriends and such and all I am doing is sitting here praying I crossed his mind today.