The gym and a boy that makes me laugh.

I was a bit cynical and grouchy yesterday. Today is a much better day!

Ugh.

I have so much to say but I don't think I feel like typing it write now.

Day 4, I think.

Drinking valpolicella and eating frozen white chocolate obviously thinking of the best who loves these things as much as i do. My leg is searing with pain and I wish he were back.

Sparks fly.

Falling for someone new is absolutely terrifying but also absolutely adrenaline electrifying at the same time.

I've been writing desperate love songs.

I don't want the whole world, the sun, the moon and all the light. I just want to be the only girl you love all your life.

Day 2.

On Friday I wore my old Moxie's shirt to work with a skirt and I got so many compliments on how great I looked that day. It was really nice to hear but I was so self-conscious the entire time. One girl said look at you! Damn you look fantastic, why don't you dress like that all the time? And I was just like this is not really who I am. I wasn't [slutty] but I was definitely [slutty] for me.
It's hard for me to realize that boys actually might like how I look. That I might be attractive to them. And I know I'm not like a toad but I always notice everything I hate about myself. And I am working on trying to recognize and appreciate my own value. I think that might be why I really love working for the boys and a huge part of why I am incredibly attracted to J. He builds me up and consistently reminds me of my worth.
T does too but in a different way. Even yesterday T was like B your hair looks great today. And I was like ha thanks? He's like what it does? I'm like yeah I haven't washed it in 4 days. He's like well it's curled and looks good so you put in the effort. And then he sent me to get a Jugo Juice for us and I just was so appreciative that he trusts me as much as he does. And I'm sure that a significant part of his trust for me is how much J trusts me. J is like the pickiest human being in life so I'm sure that T recognizes that if J trusts me completely than it's easy for T to.
I never really realized how picky J was but CG always is like fuck he is so picky. And he is incredibly picky. And I never realized it because right away he knew who I was and he was always nice to me. I guessed I passed his tests early on.

When you fall for men instead of boys.

That's the difference between boys and girls. He is probably out cold in bed while I'm lying in my bed wide awake thinking about him. 

The little things.

I told S tonight that J terrifies me because he makes me feel again. He does thoughtful things for me like saving a chocolate pineapple flower or giving me a white chocolate truffle even though white chocolate is his favourite and it's his birthday. Or getting mad at everybody else for destroying his cake and letting me eat the middle because the fudge is my favourite part. He brought out old photo albums the other night and talks about his mom to me. He's just in such a different place in his life than the boys my age. Like he's currently alone in Mexico in a room with a private pool and he just wants to read for 3 days.
The other day someone guessed he was turning 37 and he turned 29. That's how much he has his life together. He's well dressed and owns 2 businesses and who knows how many properties he has. He values himself and he hides his heart because he gets so emotionally involved in things that matter to him.
I remember him saying the one day about what a restaurant owner makes and if that's true and he's making even close to what he is and still treats others the way he does, then I just don't understand how it would be possible to not be infatuated.
It's not what he has, it's how he treats people who can do nothing for him. It's the intellectual conversations he can have and the ability to simply look at me and make me smile.

Thanks T.

You know your boss trusts you when he is loaded as fuck and gives you his debit card to go get somthing for him and yourself.