the cheesiest thing i've ever said and actually meant it.

her: what do you really want for sure for christmas?

me: number 12.

viscious cycle.

you know, it's funny. i had a really good day yesterday. i thought i was doing better. but each day that gets better is followed by a day when it's worse. it hurts more than i thought it could. and i feel more broken and empty than i thought imaginble.

he's him.

i was never this girl. i never let myself need anybody. i always made fun of girls who acted like their lives were over because they lost a boy. and now, i'm that girl. i feel like my life is over. like i don't know anything. that'd i'd give up anything for him. how does one boy captivate your heart and soul like that?

without you it's hard to survive.

her life was stole, now we'll never know.

love is funny that way.

I figure that if the rest of my life goes downhill from here,
if nothing goes right and I'm stuck on my deathbed wondering
what the high point in my life was, I can be comforted in the fact
that I probably loved you more than anything in the entire world.
that you were my high point.

how did i become this way?

i'm reading old blog posts about number twelve right now. good call b. way to get over that whole bawling excessively thing. i'm pretty sure reading about how and why you fell in love with him is not going to help the situation.

keith.

baby, you're my better half.

i wanna be your everything.

you meant more to me then, than i think you ever knew.

all i know is i love you to much to walk away.

it's funny. i just gave him the key to my world. to my secrets. i'm not scared. i'm not worried. the only thing i think he doesn't know, is how much i really love him.

because i do.

I'm so scared that I will want to love you
forever, and you will want me only
for a few moments in your life.

you're the one thing that i know for sure.

we were talking about life. and he said he hates thinking about the past because it makes him very angry. he makes him angry about the choices he's made. his regrets. everything. and i said everything? he said yes, everything.
what do you do when the only person you're in love with tells you they regret everything? years of friendship, years of being together, all of it. how do you respond. i don't think anyone has hurt like that before. in that moment, my heart shattered. and everything i've ever known broke into pieces. and it's funny you know, i'd still do anything to be with him. i'd give up my life to be with the boy that told me he regrets our everything.

if you're calling 'bout my heart, it's still yours.

because it's a humbling experience to put yourself out there,
give someone your heart, to open up to them and be faced
with a vulnerability that only comes with this sort of statement.
because what is worse than when one you love
forgets to love you back?

i can't help falling in love with you.

i've spent some time with number twelves sister lately. it's really quite nice. i've come to the conclusion that his family is literally incredible. and i'm so jealous, i'm happy for him but i'm jealous. i suppose that they have their issues like all families do but they're strong. i like his sister. nc is really nice and she's chatty and just genuinely a really good person. she loves a boy and he controls her and i worry about it. but i've been doing my best to support her. i like learning more about their family, just little things that boys don't find interesting or important. i feel like the more time i spend with her, the better i understand him. and honestly it just makes me fall even more in love with him.

i lied. i'm in tears right now.

well i think i've broken out of the crying phase. at least for now. now i just don't feel anything. i think it's been two whole days since i've cried. althought just thinking about him makes me almost burst into tears. i'm really not sure what to do anymore.

that's all it takes chuck bass

three words. eight letters. and i'm yours.

Jesus take the wheel.

i'm sorry for the way i've been living my life.
i know i've got to change.

she loves you and she's sorry.

mr. twain

what hurts the most.

antelope hunter's rules of opposite sex interactions.

1) she must be shorter than him
2) she must weigh less than him
3) her hair must be longer than his
4) he must be stronger/more muscular than her.

these make me laugh. generally, i follow them. but really, you can't choose who you love. life would be much easier that way though.

hepburn.

i believe in pink.
i believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.
i believe in kissing, kissing a lot.
i believe in being strong when everthing seems to be going wrong.
i believe happy girls are the prettiest girls.
i believe that tomorrow is another day and
i believe in miracles.

audrey.

your heart just breaks, that's all. but you can't judge or point fingers.you just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you.

miss monroe

i believe that everything happens for a reason.
people change so that you learn to let go,
things go wrong so you'll appreciate them when they're right.
you believe lies so you'll eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.
and sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together.

dear s,

bahahahah all the sex chat on your blog was wonderful. i love it s.

greatest i still love you cd of all time.

austin- blake shelton
i still miss you- keith anderson
the last kiss- taylor swift
more than a memory- garth brooks
the best of me-jason aldean
everytime i hear your name- keith anderson
my wish- rascal flatts
everything is you- eli young band
not a day goes by- lonestar
invisibly shaken- rodney atkins
what hurts the most- rascal flatts
goodbye my lover-james blunt
breathe- taylor swift
need you now- lady antebellum
if i had eyes- jack johnson
miss you like crazy- the moffats
goodbye- miley cyrus
back to december- taylor swift
these days- rascal flatts
run- george strait
it matters to me- faith hill
broken- lifehouse
more than anyone- gavin degraw
honesty- rodney atkins
just to see you smile- tim mcgraw
speak now- taylor swift

you are the wind beneath my wings.

did i ever tell you you're my hero?
you're everything i would like to be.

dancing where the stars go blue.

Where exactly did you first kiss the last person you kissed?
in antelope hunter's kitchen.
hen exactly was the last time you kissed them?
thursday morning.
How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
not enough.
Where did you sleep last night?
my bed.
Are you legal to drink?
you betcha.
Do you straighten your hair?
if i'm motivated enough to actually do my hair.
What's the closest black thing to you?
my computer.
When is your birthday?
september.
What color shirt are you wearing?
black hoodie, pink and grey sports bra.
Do you have a best friend?
kinda. how do you define best friend.
What are you saving your money up for right now?
i'm pretty sure you require income to save money. but i wanna go to europe again.
Is there any chance you will kiss the person you have feelings for?
i'm really not sure about that right now. i sure hope so.
Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
would i recommend it, no. did i look like this at the library, yes.
Do you have any jewelery on?
my ring.
What flavor ice cream did you last have?
oreo cheesecake blizzard and my oh my was it delicious.
How many pillows do you sleep with?
well i used to sleep with three until one got stolen.
How was last weekend?
ugh. don't even ask.
Can you recall the last time you liked someone?
i love someone.
Who was the last person's voice you heard?
my history prof?
What kind of pizza was the last kind you had?
pepperoni.
Have you had the chicken pox?
yes a long, long time ago.
What's your current problem?
what isn't my current problem.
Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around?
i'm really not sure. i used to. but i'm struggling to believe that being a good person gets you anything in life.
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
always.
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
fall. i love layers.and i love back to school and my birthday.
What was on your mind mostly today?
history, my crazy sister, fighting with big brother, number 12.
Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
yes it's an awful habit. i don't reccomend it.
Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
no. i'm having a rough little while.
What was the highlight of today?
the glass of wine i'm enjoying to regain sanity.
Do you hate anyone?
i'm pretty damn close to hating sofa king but hate is a really really strong word.
In the next 5 months, what are you looking forward to most?
having three and a half weeks to relax, finishing year two.
Do you wish you had the chance to tell someone something right now?
yes.
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
my momma.
Have you ever wasted too much time on a certain boy or girl?
i like to think that nothing is a waste of time. i've learned alot from everyone i've given my time to. even if that lesson is that they aren't worth it.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
i really wish he is.
Has anyone disappointed you recently?
myself. and yes many.
At this moment in time, do you wish you could trade places with someone?
sometimes.
What color is your hair?
three colours of brown plus natual highlights from the sun.
What's the weather like outside?
cold and windy beyond belief.
What are you doing tonight?
getting ready for bed soon.
If you could push one person off of a mountain, who would it be?
that's rather harsh don't you think?
Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
i'm not sure. i hope so but only time will tell.
Do you want to fix things with anybody?
so very badly. i'm not quite sure how though. i need to fix myself first.
Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
does wine count? then no. hard liquor, probably but i thoroughly enjoy me some grey goose.
What do you do during a thunderstorm?
enjoy it.
When is the last time you were amused?
with number 12's sister yesterday. she is hilarious.
Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
doesnt everyone have that in there life?
Where did you get the pants you are wearing from?
i bought them from lulu lemon at chinook i believe.
What do you think about nude beaches?
um not really crazy about the idea. i'm not really confident enough for that.
Where is your best friend right now?
cowtown, medicine hat and dead rear.
Do you drink on a regular basis?
drink casually yes. binge, no.
Have your parents ever searched your room or personal belongings?
yes, it's not as fun as you think... don't try it.
Have you ever been caught skipping class?
yes but it was a joke and i'm a good student/
Who has your heart?
number 12 of course.
Ever been suspended?
haha no i'm not quite bad ass enough for that. however, there are a few things i did in high school that if caught, i would've been.

just thinking of you and the way you look tonight.

"it doesn't make you noble to step away from something that isn't working, even if you thought you were the reason for the malfunction. especially then. it just made you a quitter. because if you were the problem, chances were you could be the solution. the only way to find out was to take another shot."

mental break from studying.

if you married the last person you texted what would your last name be?
texted: carreau
bbm: good
(is it weird they're both females?)
what would happen if you had a kid with the last person you kissed?
i'm 19, i'd flip the f out. however, if it had to happen, he is the one i'd pick.
what did you do today?
studied for hours on end then wrote a three hour exam now replenishing my brain to study more.
do you know a secret about your last ex that would embarrass them?
probably but i wouldn't do that.
who will you be sleeping with tonight?
my blanket
do you do your own laundry?
yes it'd be weird if my roommate did it.
are you getting engaged any time soon?
nope, again 19.
what's the best part about being single?
if you do it right it's an absolute blast.
do you watch the hills?
nope, it's over now.
wearing any bracelets?
nope, never.
last thing someone bought for you?
gas i think.
do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you?
perhaps a bit but it's usually pleasant.
are you any different now than you were a year ago?
not even the same person i don't think.
are you taller than your mom?
you betcha.
is anything upsetting you right now?
more than i'd like to admit.
what's the farthest away from home you've ever been?
japan.
do you hate being alone?
depends when you ask me. today it's nice.
who was the last person you cried in front of?
number 12.
what's on your agenda for tomorrow?
chiro, meeting for history education, studying like mad, writing my psych final i hope.
if you could be with one person right now, who would it be?
number 12.
does anyone know your password except you?
yes, lots. it's been the same since grade 9.
did you have a good day yesterday?
pretty good for finals week i suppose.
does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
depends who it's with. most likely not.
have your parents ever caught you drinking?
yes but it's really not an issue anymore.
last december, what was your love life like?
i was letting go of someone i thought i loved and falling hard for the one i truly loved.
do you wash your hair in the shower?
isn't that the point?
what is your biggest fear?
not being enough.
when was the last time someone held your hand?
wednesday i think.
last nap?
not recent enough.
have you ever been kissed in a car?
yes mam.
how are you feeling right now?
stressed out, exhausted, lost, sorry, broken.
have you ever been with someone who treated you like crap?
i slept with someone who did and i've been friends with plenty. i'm not big on dating.
where would you like to be right now?
if i can bring a friend, somewhere hot. if not, calgary with that friend.
could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
easily.
what were you doing at 10:17 pm last night?
studying and fighting with big brother.
are you afraid to grow up?
kinda. but i think i'm ready.
what was/is your worst subject in school?
currently history is kicking my ass.
do you have a secret that you've never told anyone?
a secret of my own, nope. someone else's secret, yep.
last time you fell?
no idea. i fall a lot.
last place you took a plane to?
home from vancouver.
have you ever been around someone that was high?
yepp.
two words to explain why you last threw up?
probably alcohol.
what are your plans for the weekend?
going home and drinking excessive amounts of wine.
ever kissed someone who smokes?
no. actually, yes i have. i forgot about that stupidity.
how many children do you plan on having?
either zero or four.
what is something you wish you had more of?
money, time, energy.
what were you like a year ago?
strong, happy, finding myself. if i'm honest i kinda miss it.
how many times is 'a' in your full name?
3
what time was it two hours ago?
5:15
what's the weather like outside?
dark and windy as f.
who are you currently texting?
no one.
bbm: ps and dream team chat.
are your fingernails painted?
no, i have zebra print acrylic nails.

don't look back, unless it's a good view.

and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
- the beatles

touche.

the only thing worse than an empty bed
is a vacant heart laying in one.

thank fucking goodness.

"you may feel as though you have reached your limit with a certain situation. you have suffered from the headache and the stress; you've been through the hand-wringing and you've spent tense moments pacing the floor, and you just don't want to take it anymore. guess what, virgo? you don't have to take it anymore. a difficult time is coming to an end. the light at the end of the tunnel is the sun, not an oncoming train. little by little chaos is dissipating. and your life is about to become amazingly, fantastically, enjoyable fabulous."

it only takes a moment.

sometimes you don't realize how much you miss something
until it comes back into your life  for one silent moment.

21.

ps. it's tswift's birthday today.

how do you know when you turn crazy?

wine and sex are the only things that can make me feel better right now. well perhaps laying in number twelve's arms after sex wouldn't be awful either.

to girls with boys in different towns.

fuck me it's been a long day. i spent 10 hours in the library today. and had a lovely chat with number twelve's sister only to make me miss him and wish things were different. like i literally mean fuck me, i'd loveeeeee to have some sex right now. i feel like it would be so relaxing and destressing and it would get my mind off of anything for awhile. ugh that'd be nice.

it's a game of give and take.

you can't hurry love
no, you just have to wait
she said trust, give it time
no matter how long it takes.

i have so much to say and no time to say it.

i love how for finals the library goes from being dead to mildly busy around midterms to packed around finals. all these kids who need an a+ just to pass the class because they have spent the last three and a half months drinking their parents money away.

i am fucking AWESOME.

bahahahahhahaha i just watched s' video about body size. it's incredible. however, i especially love one part because it's something either me or her would say.