so this is love.

"put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it feels like an hour. sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. that's relativity."

-albert enstein

we've all messed up too.

it's okay, just wait and see.
your string of lights is still bright to me
and who you are is not what you did;
you're still an innocent.

the life of university students.

wish me luck on my native studies midterm tomorrow.
i'm half- nervous, half- just want it to be over and done with.
obviously so i can study for the other two on tuesday.

yep, it was the best kiss i've ever had.

it was different wasn't it.

long were the days when my nights revolved around you.

i'm really quite torn right now. my head's a mess. i need to study. i'm wondering where number 12's head is at. i am completely mentally exhausted, emotionally two. i could use a good cry but i have nothing left inside of me.

it's always gonna be there isn't it, you and me.

i know you think i;m crazy for working on things with him or maybe he's crazy to even consider giving me another chance. but right now i just need to see how it goes. we both know we want to be in each others lives and for now this is where we are. you're thinking, he's crazy; she cheated on him. and i did and i know i screwed up. but for right now, if he can accept that i made a mistake and i'm willing to make it up to him then maybe that's what we've got to do.
we have always had an absolutely postively fucked relatioinship. no one else has ever understood it. but that's just it, no one else has to.

calgary is calling my name.

i think i'm gonna go spend the weekend with number 12. he'll be a good influence on studying and he has lots of homework to do too. i really miss him. i think what i miss most is being in the same city, the normalcy of just being with the one person you care about most (outside family duh). i miss just laying there in his arms at night knowing that when i wake up, i won't be alone. i miss sitting beside him, glasses on and homework spread everywhere between the two of us and just a little smile and him blowing me a kiss just because.

she's better known for the things that she does on the mattress.

she looks at life like it's a party and she's on the list.
she looks at me like i'm a trend and she's so over it.

no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity.

sophistication isn't what you wear or who you know,
or putting people down to get you where you wanna go.

it's just wrong enough to make it feel right.

you touch me once and it's really something.
you find i'm even better than you imagined i would be.

and i'm a house of cards.

i'm on my guard for the rest of the world,
but with you i know it's no good.

the way you move is like a full on rainstorm.

drop everything now. meet me in the pouring rain,
kiss me on the sidewalk, take away the pain.
cause i see sparks fly whenever you smile.

i'm only half crazy, i swear.

alright so i'm bored of studying but i really don't have a whole lot to talk about. i know i should be studying and after a maximum 5 minute study break i'll get back to it but i really wish 9 o'clock would get here faster so i could pick up antelope hunter for our weekly wednesday events.

i hate decisions.

sooo i'm thinking about taking 6 classes next semester... it just might kill me.

it's funny what i love you can change.

you kissed me when i was in the middle of saying something,
there's not a day i don't miss those rude interruptions.

preview.

and i'll go sit on the floor, wearing your clothes. and all i know is i don't know how to be something you miss. never thought we'd have a last kiss. never imagined we'd end like this. your name forever on my lips.

never thought we'd have a last kiss.

so monday october 24, i told number 12 the complete and honest truth. and it was terrible and i broke his heart. and honestly it took me so long to imagine my life without him had he chose that. i was afraid that he'd hate me and he'd never speak to me again. and i was honestly bawling when i told him. and he's like i know how much this affects you but why are you so incredibly upset. and i said because i cannot imagine not laying in your arms ever again, never getting another kiss, never being yours. i cannot imagine my life without you.
the next day tswift's new album speak now came out. and last kiss is the 13th song on the album of 14. when i heard that song i bawled. and continued to do so for a long time. and rouge knows how much i care.

oh rouge.

so today rouge bbms me and she's like "OH MY GOSH tswift's new cd is incredible".
i of course respond with, "you have no idea".
she starts discussing which songs she likes and doesn't and i told her my favorites and why and she almsot started crying when i told her the story of the first time i heard last kiss (see next blog) since she has known number 12 since he was like in grade 9 or 10 and me since around the same time. then i laughed and said it makes me smile to know other people have some small idea of how much i love tswift. and that whenever they have anything to say about her or ask about her, it's me they go to.

really, you separated it?

to answer the question i know you're all thinking, yes it was delectable.

i love cooking.

right now i am making supper and i really really hope it turns out. i'm making mushroom soup chicken baked with sweet red peppers and cheese topped with crushed chili peppers with broccoli rice. this is one of my favorite things to eat, i don't even like mushroom soup but when you cook chicken in it, the mushroom flavour is so delicious yet there are no nasty mushroom chunks (i do not like mushrooms at all!). today i'm trying something new with it that will hopefully work. it's red peppers and peapods drizzled with three onion spice and olive oil and basil and perhaps just a bit of cheese baked on top.
delicious, i can't wait. i hope it turns out.

i'll say a little prayer for you.

just an extra little prayer of my own for s' grandma to get better.

this is real life.

guess what just happened to me??!!
what just happened to you?
my broccoli froze!
as in the broccoli that's sitting in a frying pan in your fridge?
yep!

where does this leave us?

it's only five words.
so how come i'm so afraid to say them.

the best kiss.

what did you write.
a secret.
no tell me.
you already know.
say it out loud.
i love you.

found true love, lost your heart. now you don't know who you are.

You will fly and you will crawl,
God knows even angels fall.

i still love you.

to be perfectly honest i have absolutely positively no idea where we stand.

here's the tswift lyric advice.

put your heart on the line. say what you think. follow your heart. go after your dreams. remember where you came from. believe in yourself. believe in the possibility of love. believe in the inherent goodness of others. give a second chance; then a third and a fourth and a fifth. let go. breathe. ask questions. walk away. jump then fall. say goodbye to the people who only hurt you. the walls they put up to hold you back will fall down. find your place in the world. think tim mcgraw. burn that picture. come undone. say no. keep singing the song in the car. be a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore someone. run. look before you fall. come out alive, even if you're black and blue. count the colors in his eyes. don't hide anymore. stay beautiful. think twice before you let it all go. dare him to kiss you then run when he tries. be so in love that you act insane. play your song again. don't say a thing, just listen to the crickets sing. let the fire inside of you shine through. don't break a perfectly good heart. go back to every laugh. take the road less travelled by. let him miss you. don't be afraid of what love gives you and takes away. be the baby blue jeans, with the holes in the knees in the bottom of the top drawer. the sun will always chase the day. be good to yourself and be good to each other. don't break a heart slow. have a good time cleaning up someone else's mess. see sparks fly whenever he smiles. laugh on a park bench thinking, hey isn't this easy. don't answer the phone if it's going to break your heart. break all your rules to see him. you're beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change. after everything, confess you need him. burn brighter than the sun.


be fearless.

most importantly, be yourself.

Music that's changed my life.

1) every taylor swift song ever written.
2) turn it up- aaron lines
3) never be another- adam gregory
4) angels among us- alabama
5) it ends tonight- all american rejects
6) i remember you- the ataris (cover)
7) shadows- ashlee simpson
8) be yourelf- audioslave
9)  boston-augustana
10) pretty much every beatles song ever; hey jude and blackbird are favs.
11) elsewhere, feel this, halo, let me fall- bethany joy lens/galeotti
12) wind beneath my wings- bette middler
13) where is the love- black eyed peas
14) austin, maybe she wouldn't be gone- black shelton
15) i miss you- blink 182
16) brad paisley. -when i get where i'm going, mud on the tires, i hope that's me.
17) mix tape, failure by design- brand new
18) brooks and dunn.
19) someday- bryan greenberg
20) sorry- buckcherry
21) maybe its just me, mixtape- butch walker
22) footsteps- calling joshua
23) georgia- carolyn dawn johnson
24) carrie underwood. - just a dream, Jesus take the wheel, don't forget to remember me, starts with goodbye, lessons learned
25) what a beautiful day- chris cagle
26) beautiful- christina aguilera
27) that's what i love about sunday- craig morgan
28) you can let go now daddy- crystal shawanda
29) alright- darius rucker
30) dashboard confessional
40) red light- davil nail
okay i got bored... some other time.