ace hotel.

"every exit is an entrance to somewhere else."

I am beautiful.

now and then, I get insecure from all the pain;
I'm so ashamed.

silent films are full of sound.

I feel like I should write. Like if I write then I will feel better. That's what it usually does for me. My issue is that I have nothing left to say.

best family.

Anyways my DL(my boss) was so wonderful. He gave me last night off then he brought me snacks after work and I spent the whole night with my sister and we relaxed. I had a nap and just watched food network and intervention with her. So it was fantastic.
Also, my daddy is so fantastic. He also asked me what was wrong and I told him I didn't want to talk about it so he asked my sister what was wrong. She said 'something happened with number twelve but she doesn't want to talk about it so please don't bug her.
He responded "Well, she needs to talk about it or I'm going to drown the kid and it'll no  longer be an issue."
hahahahahah love you daddy.

age does NOT reflect maturity.

Also, my oldest sister is a fucking nut job. Yesterday I said I had a bad day and I didn't want to talk about it and she starts asking all these ignorant questions like did someone die? did you get fired? does number twelve have a new girlfriend? like grow up and fuck off. I had a bad day and I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone.

repeating history and you're getting sick of it.

I know I've said it before. And I'll probably say it again ut I want to try for real this time. I have to be strong and move on with my life and I think my brain is finally getting through to my heart. My guts have been right alllllll along. (again, trust guts not brain or heart). But anyways, I just really need to move on from the whole number twelve situation. We got in another fight yesterday shocker. But some of the things he said were just horrible. Like I had such a bad day yesterday.
I woke up a bit late and I got to tim's too late to actually get something but as I pulled into the parking lot this guy was backing up and I thought he didn't see me so I honked so he wouldn't hit me. Then when I got out of my vehicle he opened his window and started yelling at me how I was a dumb bitch and a slut and a fat whore etc. And I was just like bud FUCK off. Like how old are you that you say shit like that to a 19 year old girl. Then I went inside but the line was too long so I came outside and he opened his window again and yelled at me some more. Now I know he is just a dumb prick but it really got to me for some reason and it kind of threw my whole day off.
Then number twelve said some stupid shit about how his real friends are there for him and he's soooo happy and blah blah blah. And I just kind of snapped. I called bullshit on him for how he just lies and his pride gets the best of him. Like I told him to figure out his priorities instead of his parents and that he shuold make time for himself all the while reminding him that I only have his best interest at heart then he said some other rude things and I was just like what the fuck is your deal bud? Like do you get some sort of pleasure out of hurting me? Does it make you feel good to know I'm hurting? I then spazed the fuck out and reminded him that yes I fucked up one night (emphasizing the ONE part) and yes I admit it was a big mistake and I know that that is the reason we are no longer together but I have  also spent the last 11 months going out of my way to show him how sorry I am, how much I regret that decision and to be extremely supportive of him. So I asked him why he has to go out of his way on a regualr basis to hurt me, purposely. (He never answered my question). So then he just made some comment about how he can't hurt me when we don't talk and I was like oh really? Hm.. that's funny you should ask your best friend, his little brother, your neighbour or your sister or really any person in the whole damn world that knows me if it doesn't hurt me. Like for reals, fuck you.
I am so angry with him. I have been holding on because I love him and in my opinion when you love someone, you love them unconditionally. And I will continue to love him but I will not be pining for him anymroe because it is just horseshit. If you don't want to be with me, I don't want to be with you. I do not deserve to be treated like this and I am so tired of feeling weak and pathetic and alone. I am moving on.

it's perfect, didn't seem so perfect.

trying to fit a square into a circle was your life.

We tried too hard and it's a waste of my time.

Boys are so damn ridiculous. Like seriously, you're busy?? Fuck you. I have three jobs and I'm taking a summer class worth six credits. How about instead you figure out your priorities and then we can talk about being busy. You're a busy as you make yourself and if you can't handle it, do something about it.