The three of you should be ashamed. You can never take it back.

JS and JS were both at post time tonight. It's really difficult for me to see them. I really hate it actually because I just want to ask them what makes them justify not attending their own father's funeral. I was there and my dad was there and I think I only met him once or twice. I knew what it meant to ME, her mom and her grandmother to be there so of course I went. I just remember being so taken aback because I cannot comprehend anything that could happen in my life where I wouldn't have the integrity and morals period to attend one of my parent's funerals. I mean I get things go wrong and people make choices and I don't honestly know the whole story. What I do know is that it's bad enough you're not in his life period when you know he's sick enough to die and his illness is terminal; it's disgusting to me that you couldn't even attend his funeral. It's embarrassing that you don't have enough courage to do the right thing. It really doesn't matter what happened before, what matters now is that you can never take it back. You can never fix it. You could've ended it on respectful terms but you couldn't even show up. It makes me sick. Especially knowing how S and M treated you. It breaks my heart.

DK.

Tonight when I first approached DK he was kind of standoffish. At least, it seemed like that to me. S was there and I don't know what that sitch is and maybe he was like jealous or being immature or something. But it was weird because when I was leaving I went to say goodbye to him. And when I did, he gave me another hug and he was like bye, I love you B. And I was kind of like pardon. And he's like I love you. And I was just kind of surprised because I barely ever see him anymore and I think sometimes he realizes that I'm the type of person he wants to have more of in his life. I think he so badly wants to grow up but he's torn because his friends aren't there yet. And he, with them are all so good at being immature little assholes that party too hard. I hope he finds what he's looking for soon.

I need a nice boy.

I'd just like to say that I think CN is like one of the sexiest people I've ever met in my life. Like he is a beautiful man. I always notice him. I was actually blown away a bit that he approached me to talk tonight. He's such a nice guy. I don't know what he's up to in life other than he lives in Kelowna but he's beautiful and he gave me like 3 hugs tonight and he's a really nice guy.

I feel sooo much better.

ahhhhh I love the gym so much.

Scared of what it might cost to take it down for someone else.

I know it seems silly and immature and whatever but a piece of me is pretty sad he never said Merry Christmas. I know, I asked for this. I wanted it. I never said it to him. I suppose a piece of me just hoped that he would reach out this time. This is the first Christmas in years that we haven't spoken. Even on the worst days, we still said Merry Christmas.
I drove by his house on my way home tonight. It's difficult for me because I know Christmas is here for them this year. I know that he's home and probably not for very long. I'm selfish because I want him to be thinking about me. I want him to fight for me. And he didn't. He is doing nothing to be with me. And I deserve more than that.
I always think of him. I think about how his school is and how his family is and how his life is. I wonder if he's happy, if he likes school, if he's made good friends. I want to know him still. I know that I can't. I know it. I can logically think about all the reasons why I cannot reach out for him. My completely irrational heart doesn't understand. My heart is saying you're always going to love him. My head is trying to tell my heart that it has to step in because  my hurt keeps getting broken. Over and over and it hurts my whole body; it has to stop.
Before I came home, I was nervous. I didn't know what I wanted. I was terrified to run into him because I didn't know how I would react. I didn't know if I would be happy to see him knowing how hard it'd be on my heart. I didn't know if I would be angry to think about how little he fought. I didn't know if I wanted to casually run into him or if I wanted him to call. I just didn't know what I wanted.
And now I don't know what I wanted really or what I want, but I know that I'm a little sad he didn't say Merry Christmas. I'm a little sad that Christmas is over and the chance is gone.

You say you've hid your heart up on a shelf.

I just want to meet a nice boy. I saw KH tonight and I should've pursued that when I had the chance. I mean my reasons for not were valid. On top of the whole number twelve mess and not being ready for a relationship, he wants to settle down and get married and have kids. And I'm not really there just yet, and I especially was not there a year ago. I want to settle down with a boy though. My life is about to change drastically and it'd be nice to meet someone who is willing to live a similar lifestyle because I'm not going to be going out partying all the time anymore or drinking on Sundays. I have to grow up and be an adult.
KH is a very nice boy. He's the type of boy you marry. To this day, he still calls me dear every time he sees me. He came and gave me a big hug when he got there tonight and before he left. He's polite and kind and responsible but he is also fun and sometimes irresponsible and full of chirps.
He's found a nice girl. I met her tonight and I already like her. She is social and full of comments and just seems good for him. He looks so incredibly happy when he looks at her. And I am so happy for him because he has wanted this for a long time.
None of that changes the fact that I want to meet a nice boy. I have always been under the impression that you'll find the right person when you stop looking. I'm not looking per se but I'm not opposed to men anymore either. For a very long time I kept my heart locked away. I wasn't ready to deal with everything with number twelve let alone any other boy at that point. I'm ready now, I think. I want to experience life with a different man. I want to see if my love for number twelve is as real as I think it is or if I was just young and naive.

I'm trying to get through the day after you.

You didn't give me a reason but I didn't really need one.

Devastating blow, worthy opponent.

My niece informed me last night that I'm no longer her best friend. Her new best friend is PP. At least if she's going to choose someone else, I'm happy she has good taste. I mean, he's a beautiful, tall, jacked NHL player who's actually a nice guy. It doesn't get much better than that. 

All I want for Christmas is you.