You are more consistently inconsistent than I am.

I honestly should just never speak out loud. I never know what I'm talking about or I end up more confused than ever. 

Tonight I was almost finished work. They were going to let me leave so I could go with D to a housewarming party. Then all of a sudden I wasn't allowed to go anymore. It was like J found out I had plans with a male and then boom I'm not allowed to leave. 

Then his brother came. And he's like B have you never met T? And I was like nope. He's like why didn't you come introduce yourself and I was like well I'm not going to come interrupt you and he's like let's go. I'll introduce you. I talk about you and T said he's never met you.  

So I went over and met his brother. It's weird because like I know stuff about him but I have no idea what he knows about me. It was kind of awkward because like I've seen a video of him dancing half naked to the spice girls hahahahaha. 

I never know with him.

Last night I told mom I think he has a girlfriend. It was really strange actually. He came and spoke to us for quite some time. After he walked away, she said mm yeah I don't think so. 

I don't know what to think. I feel really disconnected from everyone right now. I don't blame him, I really haven't spoken to him much. I really haven't spoken to anyone much. I don't know what to say. I've only really talked to D. Everyone else I'm short with. I've really stepped back. I'm terrified to talk to anyone. I told J when I said I needed to talk to him that I didn't want anyone to know but I needed a friend. I was really afraid of the wrong person getting wind of it. I want to talk to him but I'm afraid. Mom asked me why I'm afraid. Am I afraid he won't like me anymore?

I told her I don't know what his feelings towards me are. What I'm afraid of is that he'll look at me different. I see myself differently. And I know we all make mistakes and a bad choice doesn't define you but I'm better than this and I know that I am and I know better. It changed how I view myself and in all honesty, that's going to be a continuous struggle for me. When I cheated on 12, it took me years to rebuild my self-respect and my self-confidence. I'm consciously aware of the fact that I'm not a bad person but right now, I certainly feel that way. 

I don't understand it right now.

Give it a thought.

I feel so disconnected.

My sister sent this to me today.

It's today.

This.

Something I've recently learned.

A writer.

I just read the article I wrote for the restaurant. I'm actually pretty impressed with it. Sometimes I forget that I have power in my pen.

Broken record.

You'd think by now I'd learn.

I forgot about this but damn is it important.

I'm an expert at play it safe and keep it cool.

I really hate it when people try to spare your feelings. Tell me the fucking truth. I'm not a child. I am not going to crumble because you don't love me back. In fact, I'm an expert at unrequited love. And I'll probably be more supportive than anyone in your life. I'll show zero sign of how broken my heart is because one day I'll get over it. 

Is it supposed to be easy?

How do you know when you find the one? Is it really easy? Or is it the roller coaster of emotion because it matters? I see so many different types of relationships and I sometimes wonder what that forever love feels like. They say nothing worth having comes easy so what gives. 

Maybe it's okay to be broken.

It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better.

Today was hard. I'm exhausted and emotional and I just want to sit in my bed and cry for hours.