I never know with him.

Last night I told mom I think he has a girlfriend. It was really strange actually. He came and spoke to us for quite some time. After he walked away, she said mm yeah I don't think so. 

I don't know what to think. I feel really disconnected from everyone right now. I don't blame him, I really haven't spoken to him much. I really haven't spoken to anyone much. I don't know what to say. I've only really talked to D. Everyone else I'm short with. I've really stepped back. I'm terrified to talk to anyone. I told J when I said I needed to talk to him that I didn't want anyone to know but I needed a friend. I was really afraid of the wrong person getting wind of it. I want to talk to him but I'm afraid. Mom asked me why I'm afraid. Am I afraid he won't like me anymore?

I told her I don't know what his feelings towards me are. What I'm afraid of is that he'll look at me different. I see myself differently. And I know we all make mistakes and a bad choice doesn't define you but I'm better than this and I know that I am and I know better. It changed how I view myself and in all honesty, that's going to be a continuous struggle for me. When I cheated on 12, it took me years to rebuild my self-respect and my self-confidence. I'm consciously aware of the fact that I'm not a bad person but right now, I certainly feel that way.