New date night.

Today KR came up to me and was like so are tou J's date Wednesday? And I'm like what? His date for what? She's like he got invited to the grand opening of Nordstorm's. I'm like oh no I work Wednesday. She's like oh are you sure? I'm like yep. She's like oh I told him he should take me but he said he had a date so I assumed it was you. I was like oh nope, I close Wednesday probably. And she's like ugh.
So I texted J from like 3 feet away like I heard we have a date Wednesday? Good to know! He's like what? She already said something to you?! I'm like yeeep.
So tonight we're talking about it and I'm like why would she immediately assume it was me? He's like it was literally 4 minutes since her and I talked about it before you texted me so she must've b-lined it to you immediately.
I was just like I would never tell her if I was because she'd punch me in the face probably and yell at you excessively. He's like goooood point.
He's like we still have date night tuesday though right? I'm like date DAY! He's like oh right, 24 hour Tuesday date!
Anyways, I am happy J has a date but I wish it were me. It is difficult for me because I really do have feelings for him. I think I just am really tired of being alone and tired of not being with him. I want J. End of story. I want all of his insecure fucked up plethora of issues. I want his incredibly frustrating moodiness and I want his ability to make me laugh at any second. I want his effort to cheer me up when he knows up not at the top of my gsme and his concern for my well-being. I want him. I could list all the things I love about him but it's simple: I want him
  Every part of him.

Love that man, actually.

The other night I'm standing in the back and J says to me, "I really want to spank you right now." I'm like hahaha you always say that. He's like I know I can't help it, I just want to... one day I'm going to and you're like going to punch me. And I'm like no I'll probably be in shock and eventually laugh.
I honestly just want him to one day... next time I'm going to just stick my ass out and be like hit me baby! Hahahahaha kid is such a goof.

Overwhelmed.

ZG said it best yesterday, "he's the reason I made it off the ledge and it breaks my heart that no one could do that for him."
If you have ever suffered from depression you understand the immensity of that comment.

Numb.

My best friend from high school was TC. We were inseparable so much so that people thought we were dating. We spent every day together before and after school. I stayed at his house, we'd watch movies just us two and I was close with his family. On Tuesday, his little brother killed himself. And honestly I'm numb. I don't know how to react because I have nothing left inside of me to react.
Suicide is always so near and dear to my heart because I've been there. I tried to commit suicide more than once so when I heart about it, it pinches a special nerve.
The most horrible part of an atrocious situation is that his girlfriend CW found him, and her little brother, KW, killed himself a year and a half ago.