requiem for a dream.

last night i had the most fucked dream. i swear. today is tc's birthday and my dream was about the party. so we all go to his house that wasn't really what his house looks like and i wasn't very stoked because i figured sofa king would be going but i went anyways to celebrate my best friend's birthday. so everyone was hanging out in this bathroom that was huge. (wtf who hangs out in a bathroom at a party?) so then sofa king walks in with his gf, km and she's obviously pissed i'm there but he like came over to say hi to me and attempted to give me a hug. my response was, "don't fucking touch me". bahaha so then i like walked out and went to some other huge bathroom in the house and i was all mad and whatever. then i cheered up and was being friends and happy and enjoy myself as was everyone else. then km left and somehow i ended up in this bathroom and sofa king came in and had this chat with me and we went outside and walked in the woods and had this nice chat (which is ironic because there is ZERO trees around tc's home). so then we were like good i guess but somehow i was with bn and we were chatting it up because we've been friends for awhile and we were standing beside his truck (he doesn't even drive a truck anymore) and then all of a sudden he pushed me off the hood of the truck and said, "hide quick! hp is here. get under the vehicle!" and i was so confused but i did it anyways then hp started flipping out and i was like wtf is going on. haha i thought we were good, i have zero issues with her and she's a nice girl. and then i woke up absolutely mind fucked.

i'd never intentionlly hurt you.

i had the best of intentions all along.

you've got a good heart.

it may be flawed physically,
but it's a good one.

virgo 20/01/11

in the more elite department stores and specialty boutiques, the most expensive items are kept under lock and key. sometimes they are displayed in a thick, glass case. some would argue this lowers the odds tht these items will be sold. after all, a person can't simply pick up , say, a gorgeous necklace and fasten it on, then fall in love with it while admiring it in the mirror. are you keeping your heart locked away, virgo, from friends and potential lovers? if so, you may not get your heart broken, but you also won't know the unbridled joy of letting someone steal it.

virgo 24/12/10

sometimes lonliness is a pervasive feeling experienced by people over the holidays. that's because we tend to think of our lives in one big flashback, and we compare our history with our present circumstances, and we idealize what we think we should be experiencing. but you have many things to be happy bout, virgo, and sometimes lonliness is a choice. you may not even be consciously aware of it, but sometimes you isolate yourself by choice- you can be overly picky when it come to letting people in. be a bit more flexible this holiday season, and great joy and revelation can be yours.

taurus 21/11/10

you have had a challenging experience with  very close friend or more likely a love interest. things may not have always gone well between the two of you. there were times when you thought of giving up. but true to your loyalty and character you perservered and did the work that needed to be done to make it through the rough patches. you have probably already begun to see a big difference. slowly but urely, the relationhsip is getting better and better. soon, you won't be able to remember why you ever had a doubt.

lucas scott.

true love is not this fairy tale life that knows no pain. it's two souls facing it together and diminishing it with unconditional love.

there is only one tree hill.

at this moment there are 6 502 867 120 people in the world. and sometimes, all you need is one. for better or for worse.

serenity.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

mr. shakespeare.

love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. it is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. love alters not with times brief hours and weeks but bears it out, even to the edge of doom.

the glory of love.

you've got to give a little, take a little and let your poor heart break a little. that's the story of, that's the glory of love.

cinderella.

no matter how your heart is grieving, 
if you keep on believing,
the dreams that you wish will come true. 

backwards and forwards.

it's a strange world when the least important thing is doing well and the most important thing is getting by.

uncle keith.

one of these days you're gonna look at me and see the person you used to.

happiness.

the bluebird of happiness can't be caged virgo. it needs to fly here and there, but you will find that it comes back for those moments that mean the most. you may have had perfectionist expectations for the outcome of a certain situation, but instead you experienced ups and downs. even if things didn't go as you fantasized, you shouldn't let that ruin it for you. think about the moments of joy you've experienced and the moments of joy yet to come. that beautiful bluebird hasn't gone far, virgo. it's the coming and going that makes each reunion that much more wonderful.

arizona.

at this moment, this is exactly what i want to say to number twelve.
"you can't be with me because i'm not perfect anymore. i was perfect before and now i'm not. i get it. you've got a hang up about me being perfect and everything coming easy for me and i don't have any flaws. and now that i've clearly made a mistake you're gonna pound the crap out of it.
i'm not perfect i have lots of flaws. i bail when things get hard. and maybe that's 'cause of my parents and how i grew up and i never learned to comit. but i'm here now and i'm staying because i'm gonna fight to make sure that you know i'm committed to this thing. i'm not perfect, but neither are you. you wanna talk about faults? how about not being able to forgive? at some point, you're gonna have to forgive me. and it may as well be now because i am in love with you c and you are in love with me and all i want is one more chance".

i'd say that if i could actually say it to him. i'm really tired of this whole relationship with a blackberry thing.

i'm falling apart, barely breathing.

i am, without a doubt, a gianormous mess.

tragedy.

"i'm trying to find myself as a person,
somtimes that's hard to do.
millions of people live their lives
without finding themselves."

-marilyn monroe

please go to sleep brain.

i feel nauseas. i spent 12 hours at the university. sooo long. and i also have a test in 7 hours and 11 minutes. i am so exhausted but i cannot sleep. i am so weird.

not impressed.

i am wide a-fucking-wake.

it doesn't make you a good person.

"what you did doesn't change who you are."

love it.

"i won't always say the right thing,
but my heart is always in the right place."

in case you were wondering.

also, i deleted about 400, 600 pictures of  myself today.

they say it's not the same, but to me it will never change.

when i see the lights of my home town,
i feel like the world stops spinning 'round;
everything makes sense.

most disrespectful bbm status ever.

"work will set you free."

i'm making some changes in my life.. if you don't hear from me, you're one of them.

in case you were wondering, my friends list has been dwindling as of late and in the last 10 minutes it dropped from 459 to 416.

unfriended.

i also just went on a major facebook friend delete sesh. it felt fantastic fyi.

wish i'd never grown up, it could still be simple.

here's the issue. once i get sad, i can't get unsad. i start thinking about all the shitty things in my life and then i just get even more sad and depressed. i start thinking about number 12 and how much i miss him and how much i miss my niece and the rest of my family. i hate not being home for birthdays and such. i just get into this rut and have a pathetic little pitty party for myself for leaving rd to get a higher education. i hate it. i need to grow up but i just don't want to. i want to be able to go wherever i want, whenever i want.

did i ever tell you you're my hero?

so it's my sister's birthday today. and i tried to have a good day and be happy for her but now i'm just really sad i'm not there. my entire family and her closest friends are all out for dinner and i'm not. and it makes me so sad. moving away to school sucks so much. i want to be there so bad and now i'm making myself so upset that i'm in tears. i just want to be there. my sister is my best friend and i love her so much but i feel like i'm letting her down. i know it's unreasonable to drive home 4 hours for a dinner but i wish i could. i hate this so much. i'm such a baby. now i'm crying and upset and gonna be depressed for the rest of the evening.

you might think i'm bulletproof but i'm not.

after everything, i must confess
i need you.

if this were a movie, you'd be here by now.

i said leave but all i really want is you,
to stand outside my window, throwing pebbles
screaming, "i'm in love with you".
wait there in the pouring rain,
come back for more
and don't you leave 'cause i know all i need
is on the other side of the door.

picture perfect.

i created a new background for my laptop and i absolutely loveee it. it's all the pictures of the people most important to me. both parents, both sisters, bil (brother-in-law), niece, and number twelve. it's perfect. it's a combination of all my favorite pictures. like one of momma and i that we got taken a while back and then a family one, then the four kids having a leaf fight, then me kissing princess s, then dad and i at grad and number twelve and i at grad, then b, daddy and i in mexico and number twelve and i on new years last year. it's all black and white and it's perfect.

don't you think i was too young?

"hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand
dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul."

-marilyn monroe.

when love and hate collide.

divided we stand, baby united we fall.

i wish i could get A's without studying.

soo i was at the university at 7:45 am and just left about 10 minutes ago. it was a longgg day. but it was good i think. i don't understand how people don't spend any time studying... like how do you feel satisfied with a 'C' when you know if you tried a little you could do waaay better. i can't comprehend it. i don't understand paying thousands of dollars for a barely passing. also, kines students do not count because getting marks for working out or playing basketball or dance class should not count towards your gpa. it drives me insane. like school isn't even two weeks in and i'm behind already.

def leppard.

can't stop the hurt inside,
when love and hate collide.

i don't wanna grow up.

i just realized everything i have
is someday gonna be gone.

i see it all now that you're gone.

i'll look back and regret how i ignored
they said, "run as fast as you can".

i liked it better when you were on my side.

this is looking like a contest,
of who can act like they care less.

sunny days seem to hurt the most.

and sometimes,
i wonder
who you'd be today.

i've got time to kill down in broken heartsville.

"here's to the past they can kiss my glass,
i hope she's happy with him.
here's to the girl that wrecked my world,
that angel that did me in.
i think the devil drives a coupe deville
i watched him drive away over the hill.
not against her will, i've got time to kill
down in brokenheartsville. "

brokenheartsville.

all i can say is bartender pour me something strong.

lee brice.

be a best friend, tell the truth, overuse 'i love you'.
go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense.
never let your praying knees get lazy, and
love like crazy.

speak now.

horrified looks from everyone in the room,
but i'm only looking at you.

end of story.

i'm in an extremely fucked mood today.

the best is yet to come.

sooo i worked out today for the first time in forever and oh my gosh i'm gonna be sore tomorrow. i just know it. it felt good though. i forgot how much i enjoy working out. i absolutely loveeee cardio. just knowing you're burning calories and as a girl it's just the best way to get in shape. the pronghorn gym is freaking beautiful. today was my first step inside. but yeah it's super nice. i feel good though. that's what's important.

life makes love look hard.

don't you worry your pretty little mind,
people throw rocks at things that shine.

don`t tell me `cause it hurts.

i am trying to study but i can`t stop staring at him. i know i have to go home soon. and then i can`t lay in his arms and feel okay again. then i have to be strong. and i have to cry alone. and i just am sad i have to go home. i`m sad i have to go back to reality. i`m sad have to go back to real life. i`m sad i can`t stay in this perfect world. this apartment where there`s just us. and we do homework and cuddle and have sex and sleep. i have to go now. we`re going to the mall before i go home. wish me luck.

love me like you used to

when you come back,

love her like you used to.

it`s okay.

and she deserves it.

no use crying over spilled wine.

we went for supper with my daddy last night. it was so good. there`s this pizza place called famouso and it is to die for. we also had two bottles of wine. one of which i spilled half all over number twelve`s favorite new shirt. i feel so bad and of course he knows it was an accident and he isn`t mad. i just feel bad.

i didn`t just stop loving you.

i feel a little bit better. i bawled in his arms for probably a good two hours last night. it was weird though. i found out his parents know and i`m really uncomfortable with that. i don`t want his family to think less of me because i made a mistake one night. and he tried to convince me that they don`t, that they know me and they know i wouldn`t ever intentionally hurt their son. then we talked for soo long just about everything. i don`t know i guess bawling in the arms of the boy you love while he tells you it`s okay is a good way to spend a saturday night.