Ugh.

He frustrates me because I'm pretty sure he went on a date tonight. Then when I got there he was awkward beyond belief and then tonight when I asked him about Galapagos, he started texting me about tomorrow morning and if I'd be up watching the boys.

How the tables have turned.

Today was fucked. Number twelve came and brought me a coffee this morning and I think it was the most satisfying thing in the world for me and the most earth shattering thing in the world for him.

Torn.

I am so incredibly torn right now. I cannot decide whether or not I want to absolutely experience Galapagos and allow my sister's ideas to guide my trip or to maybe pull back a little bit and save some of the money for a down payment.
I am so torn. I texted J and said, "do you think I should be a responsible adult and invest in my future or take full advantage of the blessing of my trip and the experience as an investment in the soul? I am incredibly torn. "
He texted back, "travelling is the only thing I don't feel guilty about spending money on... but money in the bank is nice too. So I'm no help."
I was like yeah that was not helpful and sent him a picture of Ozil to show him my disapproval of his response. I am a highly indecisive, overly analytical human being so as I explained to him, this trip has become more about what my sister wants specifically than what I want. And it's not that I don't want it, it's that I am less assertive than her. I told her to tell me what she'd like to do and she did. And honestly, it all sounds wonderful. And they've booked the trip based on that and it's really very incredible and I'm so excited. If there is anyone in the world I don't mind spending money on, it's her.
There's a part of me though that looks at it and wonders, should I spend this money on the trip or on my future. I could cut out some stuff and probably spend much of the money saving for a house or going to an Arsenal game.
At the same time, a part of me is thinking you're not spending it all so you already have more than before... enjoy the experience.
Thoughts?

Look Who's Back.

"In retrospect, perhaps using golden swastikas as tree decorations was a touch excessive".
- Timur Vermes

FUCKING EXCITED

I AM OFFICIALLY GOING TO GALAPAGOS!

Love this book.

"Are you swift as a greyhound? Tough as leather? Are you hard as steel?" 

"I...."

"No, you are not. You are as slow as a snail, as fragile as an old man's bones, and soft as butter". 

Anomaly.

We are just a whole new level of fucked up. Or maybe we are so normal that it's mind blowing. Or both. Or neither. 

Last night I talked to him most of the night at ME's birthday in the party bus. Then today they celebrated his birthday in his family even though it was 2 weeks ago. So we spoke the other day about me working out there tonight because the gym would be closed and I thought he'd be working. So last night he told me it was still good for me to come there but I felt bad in case I was interrupting his day off. And he said no it's no problem. So I went there and worked out and played with Duke while he was upstairs building his bed and it is just so normal. He's not like do you need anything he just let me in and asked me about my day then we did our stuff then when I was done he comes down to talk to me. I don't know anyone else in the world with this type of relationship. I said thank you and that I like working out at his house once a week because I do different workouts than I would at the gym and he's like okay whenever you want!

He showed me his birthday presents and joked with me about Ozil. It's just so normal. And that's what makes it not normal because we're not in a relationship. But if we were, I don't think much would change other than sexually and perhaps we would hang out a little more but it wouldn't be all that different in terms of what he does for me or what I do for him.  

This is how he gets me every single time.

A girl can dream, right?

So yesterday I was getting ready to leave and he said, "AUGUST 8!!!" And I said, August 8th what?" 

He said, "8am my house. Arsenal party! West Ham." 

When I told him I was away for a wedding that day he said well now I have to go downtown. 

So was it really an Arsenal party or was t just you and me going to watch the game and you're planning it a month in advance? 

It's stuff like that that I don't understand. Like he literally thinks of future plans with me. He invites me to things he knows I can't say no to. I lack so much understanding about him. 

Lately though, I've been thinking about him in a very different manner. I had kind of shut off my physical attraction to him. Not entirely of course because that's impossible. But in the sense that I never really allowed myself to go there. I wasn't like thinking about how attractive I found him anymore because I had put all thoughts about the possibility of us at the back of my mind. More and more lately I'm letting them permeate. It's silly really how different it's been and the ridiculous conversations I make up in my head as to how to go about it and where to go from here. 

In fact this morning I thought, perhaps I just work out only in my sports bra tonight then hope he just comes down and drunkenly finds me irresistible and takes advantage of me because I'm sure he will have indulged during his birthday celebration prior to my arrival.